It’s Tuesday, which means we’ll be getting verbally violent in the Belly Room of the World Famous Comedy Store tonight.
Two out of our three confirmed judges are a couple of our favorite Jeffs. Jeff Dye, hilarious comic, Last Comic Standing finalist, and bundle of pure joy, will be joined by the Roastmaster General Jeff Ross. The final member of the judges’ panel tonight is a mystery, but you can expect some top-tier talent. For example, Dave Chappelle has popped in quite a few times, always unannounced. Maybe Roseanne will come judge. She needs a new gig anyway. Maybe she’ll call Michelle Obama a cunt, or maybe Samantha Bee will pop in and apologize for all the battlers. If you didn’t know, last week Roseanne went after former senior advisor to President Obama, Valerie Jarrett. On Twitter, Roseanne compared VJ to Planet of the Apes:
Wanda Sykes, who was a consulting producer and writer on the Roseanne reboot, tweeted that she will not be returning to the show, presumably because of the racist joke. In an unrelated story, Wanda Sykes also said she’d never return to Roast Battle, presumably because of the racist jokes. ABC then announced that the show was canceled. In all fairness to Roseanne, she did compare the African American Jarrett to the most woke group of apes to ever grace the silver screen. Roseanne went on to blame her racism on Ambien, and the makers of the sleep aid pill replied with a tweet of their own:
That’s not the best burn I’ve ever seen, but that might’ve been the best comeback ever from a large pharmaceutical company on social media. Finally, the president himself weighed in on the Roseanne controversy:
I just popped an Ambien and washed it down with a few Bud Lights, let’s roast!
Up first is the latest edition of two boring white dudes, when Micah Bleich takes on Jonathan Flanagan.
This is a matchup between two virgins, and I don’t think they’ve ever battled before either. Micah Bleich looks like a member of the Geek Squad got bit by a radioactive grizzly bear. Micah’s last name is the noise a woman makes when he asks her out. Micah does look like virgin despite being married, but Jonathan Flanagan looks like Revenge of the Syphilis in this photo. The loser of this battle loses their white privilege. I’m just joking, you can’t take away what God has given. #Blessed
Next up, in the battle of the blondes, Andrea Guzzetta goes airhead-to-head with Zach Stein.
So far Andrea Guzzetta has shredded through the competition in her short battle history, but Zach Stein is her most challenging rival yet. Whoops! I wrote that wrong. I meant he’s her most challenged rival yet. Besides having killer jokes, one of the reasons Guzzetta has been so dominant is her general appearance. She seems to be a sweet wholesome little peach who would never say anything mean to anybody, but once the bell rings she unleashes the cold hard bitch lying dormant under her Candy Land exterior. It’s like she goes from being Princess Lolly to Lord Licorice at the drop of a hat. Zach Stein has mixed history in the Belly Room, but he has potential for greatness. Well, maybe not greatness, but goodness. He also looks Kevin McCallister if all his booby-traps where to catch girls he has a crush on. That’s probably the reason he’s battling Andrea in the first place. Then again, she looks like she could be his sister. Which is definitely something he’d be into, the sick fuck. If Zach’s in top form tonight this will be fantastic fight, but if he’s not he will simply be fed to the human wood chipper that is Andrea Guzzetta.
Tonight’s main event is going to be a one round blood-bath between “Rampage” Paige Wesley and “Needs-a-Ramp” Greg Roque.
Greg Roque is unable to move his legs due to a spinal chord injury. What happened was, his opponent sat on him. While Paige Wesley is one of the most feared fighters, Greg has taken the wheel chair lift straight onto Comedy Central. These two have a lot in common. They’re both experienced battlers, they’re both trying to raise their profile in the Belly Room, and they both have a hard time getting up stairs. Greg will probably take an Access van to the show, and Paige Wesley will arrive in whatever giant utility vehicle is responsible for lugging her around. I get the feeling Paige has trouble fitting in… most doorways. Paige is honestly one of the best battlers currently climbing the ranks, while Greg is one of the best battlers who has to climb to see over counters. Paige Wesley has a great presence and an even greater mass. Greg really has his work cut out for him… every time he has to take a dump. This will be a brutal battle between two of the fiercest fighters in the game today. We’re all excited to see the fat lady make fun of the cripple kid and vice versa. It all happens tonight!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.