We’re all panting through the dog days of summer as Roast Battle returns with an eruptive jam-packed night of battles. Let’s get into it.
Our first battle of the night pits Andrew Van against Perry Grone. It seems we smell a virgin suicide. We are unfamiliar with these faces, just as their parents are because, why would you own up to these failures? It looks like the animosity between these two started at a Flappers open mic when Perry asked Andrew what kind of Chinese he was. Will Andrew be the “diversity slot” on the line-up nobody needed or will Perry find out what pixels taste like?
In our next battle, Paulina Combow and Ryan Nesen face off. I’ve never met Paulina, but she has “the police are on their way” face. She looks like she really loves Soup Plantation, but it’s mostly because she wishes there were still plantations. We’ve seen Ryan in the ring before, and he still looks like he just lost his dad’s yacht in a high stakes game of Fruit Ninja. This battle may or may not have started when Ryan asked Paulina on a date, and then made her pay for her own drinks that he roofied. Who will win?
In our next battle, Jasmin Leigh and Stacey Machelle go joke for joke. Jasmin Leigh is proof that if at first you don’t succeed, charm your way out of it and nobody will seem to care. Don’t get it twisted like a cheap weave: Jasmin has been battling a long time and Roast Battle fans have watched her grow. She’s always a ton of fun to watch, with her dancing and yelling. Tonight she’s facing off against Stacey Machelle, who we’ve seen come in and hold her own in the ring. I give the edge to Stacey as she has more life experience, but tune in tonight to find out. Either way, it should be a good battle!
Our next battle is the beginning versus the end of swipes on Her: it’s Stephanie Wain versus Robyn Blake. Stephanie looks like Eleven from Stranger Things, but instead of moving things with her mind, she just makes men that want to date her do it for her. If you’re not sure which pronouns to use for Robyn, don’t worry. Neither does they/she/he/turquoise! No, Robyn has made it clear that she doesn’t care what you call her, as long as you don’t reveal her true identity as Hulk Hogan.
It’s able bodied versus able minded in our last undercard of the evening. Having battled nearly 30 times, Joe Eurell is one of the best battlers the Belly has to offer. Los Digits, is a battle rapper. This poses many challenges for Digits as he is not only a newer battler, but it makes it very challenging to come up with new material about his opponent. It’s a high stakes battle for both opponents here. If Joe loses, his credibility is slashed as Joe is a main event battler whom has battled on the Comedy Central show. As Digits just started, he would walk away (no pun intended) as a legend. Digits loves Roast Battle so much, he tattoos his wins and loses onto his body. So, if he loses, he will have to remember that loss for the rest of his life, leaving his body permanently disfigured. Joe wouldn’t know what that’s like.
It’s inflated ego versus inflated body in our main event of the evening: Lou Misiano versus Paige Wesley. Paige looks like the chick that writes fanfiction about Lou. Lou seems like the kind of guy that makes his friends sing about him at bars like Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. “No one can vent quite like Lou, refuse consent quite like Lou, they can’t give HPV in a tent quite like Lou.” Lou stands tall in the top 40 rankings with 5 wins and 4 loses under his belt, while Paige has an interesting ranking (7-12). Although she has lost more times than won, she only battles other great battlers. If it isn’t going to be entertaining, it’s not worth it for her. She recently fell out of the rankings due to a loss to Doug Fager, one of the best battlers at the Store. As Paige has technically battled more, Lou is the underdog here. However, Lou has branded himself as Roast Battle’s villain, which then makes Paige the hero. Even if one wins over the audience’s approval more, the other may come with stronger jokes. Ultimately, the narrative doesn’t matter in a joke writing competition. You never know what can happen! What I do know is that these are two rock star joke writers and performers, making it a battle you won’t want to miss.
See you tonight, degenerates.