We’re back, folks! The holidays are officially over, and comedians are right back to where they should be: with a microphone in their hands and hate in their hearts. After visiting their families to re-open childhood trauma wounds, I’m sure they will be eager to use comedy to cope! We have six great match-ups of the next generation’s finest.
Your panel of judges tonight will be very talented comedians who will oversee the debauchery, give their comedic opinions on such, and cast their votes for the winner. The fun part? Their votes won’t count until the main event. That’s right. By a round of applause, the audience will choose the winners and seal the fates of these poor saps. Spearheading this carnival of carnage will be your Roastmaster General Jeff Ross. He will be joined by Roast Battle favorite and current writer on Lights Out with David Spade, Connor McSpadden. So, let’s get into who the heck is going to be getting verbally violent.
Our first battle of the night features Steve Lardner (1-0) and debut battler Alex Farivar. Steve looks really ready to tell you about the benefits of the keto diet, while Alex looks like he hides in women’s bathrooms with an “out of order” sign on it so he can watch you pee. Steve’s first showing at Roast Battle was just fine, and gave him a great jumping off point. Some first time battlers come in with a figurative jumping off point from a very tall building. Let’s hope that’s not the case for Alex, whom we don’t know much about. Although, he looks like he just said something really misogynistic and that’s the face he makes before he gaslights you. Since these two OC comics are inexperienced battlers, this battle could go either way, as they probably both do sexually. I feel like this battle started when Steve talked over Alex’s share at a meeting for chronic masturbators anonymous. Who will win? Do we care?
The next battle is Paulina Combow (0-2) going against A-Won (0-1). We’ve seen Paulina come in and fight hard, but unfortunately does not have a win to her name. She has lost her first two battles, but I will say she is very funny for a flight attendant holding a microphone. She looks like every murder victim on The First 48, which is also the most amount of time she will let elapse before taking a Plan B pill. You have to be careful. Last time A-Won battled he couldn’t score a-win. We haven’t seen him since he was caught making out with Jennifer Lopez in Selena. He looks like he’s making a documentary about skateboarding shot on his iPhone 6. Both opponents are up-and-coming comics that are still growing, so I say this battle could go either way.
Next up, Sarah Fatemi (7-4) is taking on Sam Brilhart (2-3). Sarah, or as others know her, “Cousin It with boobs,” is a comic we’ve seen major growth in. We unfortunately did not see that in her last battle against Greg Roque, which in her defense, took place last minute. It was a fumble, but that’s okay because her hair looks like the bottom of a bathtub after Sasquatch shaves his pubes. Then we have Sam, who looks like his dick is always apologizing. He was really busting out duds at the beginning, starting with a 0-3 record. However, he seems to have got his footing as a stronger comic, because he won his last two with pretty well written jokes. Another impressive thing about Sam is that he looks like he teaches improv using only an acoustic guitar. If you love an underdog story of a young black man overcoming diversity, this battle is for you.
Our next battle pits Rebecca Rush (5-2) against Anthony Davis (4-0). Rebecca, who looks like Brittany Murphy now, is returning to us with a 5-2 record, which includes her battles at Roastmasters in NYC before she moved to LA. Anthony is undefeated in this game, and so is his character in World of Warcraft. You might recognize Anthony from his role in James and the Giant Peach as the giant peach. This is a great match-up since both battlers have shown great prowess in the world of roasting. Logic stands that this should be another wonderful showing for them both.
Our next battle has Lou “The Suit” Misiano (7-5) going joke for joke with Miss Fielding Edlow, making her Roast Battle debut. Talk about the cards stacked against you. It’s a ballsy move for a newbie to take on anyone that has battled twelve times, so hopefully she comes prepared. Although, I did listen to a bit of her comedy and she does have a very roast-y vibe. Hopefully that will work in her favor. Also, she looks like Jane the Virgin if she was too “midlife crisis” to get pregnant. So, she has that going for her. I think she dropped her age right there on her Madonna shirt. These two look like they met at a Starbucks when Fielding asked Lou to explain what a Tiktok is. Lou Misiano is the heel of Roast Battle, and looks like a model for GQ if G.Q. stood for Giant Queef. Whether you love to hate him or hate to love him, Lou always comes in with dope jokes and exciting theatrics. For example, during his last battle, he kissed the hands of the women in the front row and gave out signed copies of his headshot. He always has you wondering what will happen next, and also looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt if the movie 50/50 was about the chances of contracting syphilis from him. This should be a very fun battle you don’t want to miss.
Our main event is Albert Escobedo (8-4) versus April Lotshaw (6-4). Both battlers are making a return to the ring for the first time after losses in October. Albert was the first comic in Roast Battle history to start with a record of eight wins and zero losses, but he hasn’t won one since. To reference How I Met Your Mother, a show that has been off the air for seven years, some people freak when they “see the belt”. This simply means that sometimes when you’re under pressure, that pressure can crush you. The question remains: will he continue to be crushed like a pancake or will this frail Mexican emerge as a beautiful diamond? I’m sure after four losses, this guy giving a Ted Talk about AIDS is hungry for a win. His opponent, this burger-eating bisexual bison, comes with a bite. April is a creative writer who hasn’t held back since her Roast Battle debut. She looks like Courtney Love if love was something she never got from her father. So, basically, Courtney Love. This should be an amazing battle between two competitors who pack mean punches and show no mercy. Who will win? ET if he couldn’t afford a bike or Forrest Frump?
Find out tonight, perverts.