by Tony Bartolone

The dust has begun to settle after New York invaded the
Belly Room last week, and there are a few things we now know to be true: 

  1. The
    New York battlers are generally genuinely good people. 
  2. The New York battlers
    love LA. 
  3. Roast Battle is the best weekly live show in the world. 

Roast
Battle brings people together. It has literally brought people together, but
even beyond that. There’s a unique bond between battlers that only people
who’ve been on the inside can really experience. The weekly schadenfreude
parade alleviates the pain and shame of a rough life. Comics carefully craft
jokes about the worst moments of their opponent’s pathetic existence. 

In today’s world where the average person’s worst fear is to be publicly shamed,
such behavior is not only welcome here, but it’s encouraged. When somebody
makes a packed room of bloodthirsty fans explode into laughter at something
stupid you’ve done or something horrific that’s happened to you, it’s
empowering. Roast Battle is like some new extreme, experimental therapy, but
it’s fun. And it works. When you are forced to own the most awful things about
yourself, and volley back similar sentiments toward your fucked up foe, it
makes you feel better. In turn, it makes the people who watch and laugh feel
better too. We all have to suffer the slings and arrows of this cruel, cold
world. But when you weather the storm in the thunder dome, you come out a
stronger person. Roast Battle is what comedy aspires to be. It transcends
comedy and becomes art. Who cares!? Let’s meet our judges!

We got two staples of the Belly Room judges’ dais. The first
is season one Champion and one of the fastest draws in the West, Mike Lawrence.
Mike is known for his fearless and fierce wit, going after anybody in shooting
range. He can be absolutely merciless in his mercenary judging style. It
doesn’t hurt that he’s one of the most hilarious comics working today. Rounding
out the firing squad is The Sultan of Smack, The
King of Zing, The Insult Incinerator, The Trash Talk Terminator, The
Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Let’s Roast!

Up first, we got two fresh-faced virgins making their Roast
Battle debut when Nathan Mosher verbally assaults Matt Duckett.

Both of these kids are holding a mic in their profile pictures,
so rest assured, they are comedians. Here we see Nathan ditching Saturday
detention to do a show and Matt speaking before student counsel about the
epidemic of detention ditchers. Kidding aside, this is actually a photo of Matt
explaining the symbolism of “Pepe the Frog” moments before being punched in the
face. Matt looks like a lackey for the alt-right. The enforcer of White
Nationalism. The exact opposite of The Bear Jew. However, you probably
recognize him for his mid-90’s stint in the NBA and his role in the 1998 Billy
Crystal classic, My Giant. Nathan
Mosher is solid young comic and it’ll be fun seeing how his stand up skills
translate into battle. Kudos to these crazy kids for stepping into the squared
circle for the first time tonight.

In our next bout, recently vanquished Tom Whalen goes flab
to abs with recently victorious Kevin McNamara. 

Here we see Tom getting diagnosed with some sort of life threatening cardiovascular
disease, while Kevin is playing the doctor who’s banging Tom’s nurse. That’s
right, Kevin is an actor. Currently he’s playing the part of an LA-based
comedian. I imagine Kevin is the kind of actor who says dumb shit like, “my body
is my instrument” and “you have to become
the character” and “Hey, wanna suck the dick of a series regular of the popular
Yahoo original Suit Up?” Remember the
show Suit Up? Nobody does. Kevin
looks like a model, and is as dumb as one too. If you go to his Instagram or
Facebook you’ll see a barrage of hellacious hashtags next to every picture of
his obnoxiously symmetrical face. 

#art #artist
#live #dream #believe #FuckFager It’s as if he’s doing an impression of
somebody who just moved to LA. #fakeit #makeit Tom
Whalen is a classically trained opera singer who hosts a weird livestream show
about ghosts or haunted youtube clips or some silly hipster shit. Fun fact:
Whalen is what the fisherman who’s always trying to catch Tom calls always
trying to catch Tom. They are both battle tested and ready to spit. Kevin is
coming off an impressive main event victory just two weeks ago. We’ll see if he
can keep the wins rolling in when he whales on Tom Whalen.

In our third battle, the unroastable Mike Schmidt demolishes
the unwinnable Terrence Newman.

Pictured above performing in his own backyard in Echo Park, Terrence Newman has
not won a single battle. You can see him above saying, “No wait, there’s a punchline
coming, I promise.” Either that or this pic was taken right before he got
cuffed and thrown in the back of a cop car. Adversely, Mike Schmidt is
photographed taking absolute joy in delivering a non sequitur in the backyard
of a coffee shop in East LA. #WhitePrivilege
Schmidt has won every battle he’s been in. He’s decimated women, struck fear
into the hearts of men and given Jamar Neighbors a run for his money with some
of the outlandish outfits he’s worn while doing it. He’s one of the most
brutally talented joke writers in the game today. Terrence certainly has his
work cut out for him and if I know Terrence, he won’t put in the work. This
match up is oddly personal for me, as Terrence was my first opponent and Mike
is my next one. I’ll be taking notes on Schmidt and hoping that Terrence has at
least brought his notes. Whatever happens, this is sure to be an entertaining
fight… or slaughter.

Fourth but not last, miniature Jew Eric Abbenante attempts
to take down normal sized white girl Sarah Keller.

You can see the mic
stand next to Eric for scale. If Sarah were to let him eat her out, which she
never would, he wouldn’t even need to bend over. Eric is at prime vaginal
height. This photo of Sarah was taken right after he made a similar joke about going
up on her. This is like the battle between Beauty and the Beast if the beast
was just a nebbish rodent. Eric is a short ugly Jew, what you might call a menschkin.
He’s like a Jewish leprechaun, but his pot is full of pennies. He’ll haggle
with you over the price of a four-leaf clover. His lucky charms are nose, stars
and dreidels, bagels and lox, broken glass, the torah and the holocaust. His
opponent looks like one of those exploited little girls in beauty pageants trapped
in an adult body. Sarah “The Killer” Keller was last seen in the Belly Room taking
out Dan Nolan in a one round bout. With such a remarkable win, Sarah is looking
to walk all over Abbenante on her way to bigger and better battles. Eric would
love nothing more than to halt her momentum, making a name for himself in the
process.

In our final undercard of the night, Prodigal Son Hormoz
Rashidi returns to make some noise with Josh Waldron.

The last time Hormoz battled was nearly a year ago when he
took a loss to Stuart Thompson in an undercard. Before that, we last saw him
getting knocked out of the 2015 tournament at the hands of Pat Barker, who
would lose in the final round to Leah Kayajanian. It’s nice to have another
Middle Eastern dude around so Omid Singh doesn’t get all the ISIS jokes. Josh
has been battling occasionally since being fired from this blog that he
created. These are two old school battlers that have been in the Belly Room
pretty much since the start of the show. Hormoz looks like he’d beat the shit
out of Josh in the name of Allah. He also looks like he wears way too much of
the cologne that Josh bottles in his studio apartment. He also looks like he’s
kicked Josh out of his club for selling molly. Speaking of clubs, Hormoz used
to work at a strip club. Not as a dancer, but as a bouncer. Josh looks like he
could be performing for Hormoz’s former employer after a few more hormone
treatments. Josh has been milking his appearance on America’s Got Talent for
the last few years, but tonight we’ll see who’s got the goods and who’s going
home defeated.

In our momentous main event, Keith Carey wages war on his
butt boy, Connor McSpadden. 

This looks like the battle of the clown from Spawn versus Hitler’s vision for
mankind. Connor looks like he keeps doing Roast Battle just so when he says
something racist he can claim Brian Moses as his “black friend.” Be there no
mistake about it, this modern day Laurel and Hardy is going to go hard on each
other, but not in the way Keith wishes. These two have been friends for years,
host a podcast together, and have open-mouth kissed for our entertainment on
more than one occasion. They’ve even battled before. A little over two years
ago, these two monsters lit the Belly Room up, and we’re genuinely jacked the
fuck up to see a long awaited rematch between these buds. If you’ve never
listened before, check out one of the legit funniest podcasts available, The Mean Boys podcast. For all intents
and purposes, these two are a comedy team. So it would be as if during the
classic “Who’s on First?” routine if Abbott called Costello a faggot or
Costello called Abbott a cunt OR if Abbott made fun of the time Costello witnessed
his junkie mom get brutally raped by two dudes. In other words, it would be
incredible. This punch-out slugfest promises to be a slobberknocker, mostly
because Keith can’t look at Connor without slobbering.  

Look
at the look on Keith’s face when he’s about to kiss Connor. He’s smiling like
he just found a new buffet. His eyes have boners. Regardless of the fact that
Keith wants to buttfuck Connor in his baby bottom, these are two of the
greatest Roast Battlers, and this will be one of the greatest main events of
the year. Come down to the Belly Room to witness the filth and fury of these Mean Boys.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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