Another Tuesday night in the Belly Room, and another bloodthirsty crowd ready to pass judgment on thirsty comics. Speaking of judgment, Mike Lawrence, Willie Hunter, Earl Skakel, Jamar Neighbors and Tony Hinchcliffe are all in formation and ready to fire. Let’s Roast!
Our first bout pits Seattle’s own Erin Ingle against OWN Network subscriber, Natalie Holt.
“They look like they’re auditioning to play one of Seinfeld’s girlfriends.” – Mike Lawrence
“[Erin’s] tattoos look like kindergarten bullshit!” – Jamar Neighbors
Erin volunteers to go first, and we’re off.
“What’s up, LA? I’d like to introduce you to Natalie Holt, if you’re wondering what happened to the girl from high school theater who was fucking an adult man.”
“Erin Ingle, you know she didn’t have the talent to be a rock star, the looks to be a pornstar, but her comedy career will take her all the way to Coinstar, so…”
“I don’t know, ya know, Natalie and I compete for the same shit, but ah… the real problem is I think we look alike, ya know? And when get in my head, my friends are like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“Erin, ah, Erin is very touchy-feely, which is hippie talk for sexual harassment. She also produces comedy, so she’s kinda like Harvey Weinstein without the connections.”
“And you’re like Oprah, but with nothing to offer. I’m actually kinda envious of Natalie, ya know, she’s got that ass that won’t quit and that mouth that won’t either.”
“That’s ok!” – Jamar Neighbors
“Erin looks like Suicide Girl who sadly didn’t go all the way. And she’s been searching for that perfect tattoo that’ll bring her dad back.”
The bell rings, and the regulation battle should end here. However, Erin has more gas in the tank and refuses to let it lie.
“All I was gonna say is that like Natalie’s a man-hating feminist, ah… ya know, but it’s mutual.”
“Ok, I don’t feel like I have to take that from somebody who thinks the #MeToo movement is who gets the next joint hit. Erin is a feminist, ya know, unless there’s like a cool dude around.”
“Overall, this is the most aggressive Silver Lake PTA meeting I’ve seen.” – Saudi Prince
After many comments about the women’s looks, Natalie speaks up.
“Can you guys remind us who’s famous so we know who to fuck?” – Natalie Holt
Natalie Holt gets a good pop with that last line, as well as with all her jokes, and she walks away with the win.
Our next match-up sees Beowulf Jones taking on John-Michael Bond. After a few shots from the judges, Beowulf agrees to start it off.
“No matter who wins or loses tonight, I would like to raise awareness for the real loser, John-Michael’s poor wife, Emily. They’ve been together since 2002, she makes more money than him, she’s smarter than him, she’s more talented than him, she’s hotter than him and she’s definitely sick of him. Turns out the only thing worse than 12 Years a Slave is 16 years with John-Michael.”
“Welcome to word economy battle. Beowulf, it’s incredible to be here, I’ve been a big fan of you ever since you shot John Lennon.”
“John-Michael, when you smile your face looks like a disfigured clitoris with the voice of a Republican shaming Parkland High students for not being brave enough to get shot.”
“Thank you so much, Dennis Miller. Beowulf is an incredible storyteller, he tells easily the saddest ghost stories I’ve ever heard. If you ever wanna hear one, just ask him to pull up his Tinder.”
“John-Michael has the same last name as British super-spy James Bond. Unfortunately, the only thing he and 007 have in common is that everybody wishes that John-Michael would fuck off, and get replaced by Idris Elba.”
“Is this battle your master’s thesis?” – Saudi Prince
“I’d happily watch my wife get fucked by Idris Elba. Who would not? If you guys don’t like Idris Elba, that’s really on you guys, I’m just telling you who I am. Beowulf, you look like a cum sock that got a second job as a sound guy.”
Judging by the way John-Michael replied to that last joke, Beowulf’s wordy rambling on appears to be contagious.
“I really enjoyed Peter Jackson if he cast himself as the hobbit.” – Saudi Prince
“Just because your name is based on an epic poem, doesn’t mean your jokes have to be.” – Mike Lawrence
“His style was unique. Sure, there were no jokes in there…” – Willie Hunter
“I think the real winner here is loose-fitting clothing.” – Alex Hooper
John-Michael Bond handily takes the W, as we make way for the main event.
In a three-round contest, Sarah Keller goes head-to-head with Pat Barker. After some pre-roast banter, Pat claims first joke.
“Sarah does a little bit of everything: she’s a comedian, she’s an actress, she’s a singer… the only thing she’s not is good at any of those things.”
“That’s funny coming from a Lyft driver, whose rating is “can’t.”
“It’s true, I’m fat, my dad was fat, that’s just genetics. The only thing Sarah has in her jeans is the loosest pussy in the comedy scene.”
“Pat, you look like your entire body suffers from erectile dysfunction.”
“Thank you, Dukes of Brazzers. Sarah’s whole gimmick is that she’s a proud Southern redneck, but she was actually born and raised up in Minnesota. But it makes sense because if yer to stupid to know where your state is geographically located, you might be a redneck.”
“I know Pat does not consider his comedy career to be his baby. Because if that were true it would have died before it began.”
The Dukes of Brazzers line gets one of the loudest crowd responses of the round, followed by Pat’s Jeff Foxworthy impression, which gets one of the softest responses of the round. Sarah Keller gets the judges’ votes and wins round one. Pat defers to Sarah to begin round two.
“Pat has a very unique style, I would describe it as moist.”
“Pat plays slow pitch softball, which is what his wife Tiffany called trying to get pregnant.”
“To be fair, Pat and his son are a lot a like. The only difference is, after his son was born he stopped leaching off Tiffany.”
“It’s true, I have a baby at home. Sarah says that the horses she trains are like her babies. So it’s nice to know that in a few years my son will be in kindergarten using glue made out of Sarah’s kids.”
“Sarah’s father was a long haul truck driver, and she’s following in his footsteps by taking giant loads all across the country.”
“Sarah has a ton of white trash tattoos: a Harley Davidson logo, the word Freebird, a Marilyn Monroe quote. Sarah, how is it possible that your heroin addict father has been more successful around needles than you have?”
Pat Barker makes a comeback in round two, and gets the judges’ votes to prove it. This is shaping to be quite a fight, easily worthy of all three rounds.
“This does look like a battle between Courtney Love and the hard life she’s had.” – Mike Lawrence
Pat has to weather more miscarriage jokes from the judges before moving on. It’s all tied up, and Earl Skakel chooses Sarah to start the third and final round.
“To find Pat’s circumference, you have to multiply the radius by 2 pi, which Pat has said is not enough pies.”
“Thank you, Little Whore on the Prairie. Sarah, you look like your future husband is gonna have a back tattoo that says, “If you can read this, the bitch fell off.”
“Pat’s wife won’t swaddle their baby, she’s too afraid he’ll mistake it for Chipotle.”
“I do love Chipotle, what can I say? Sarah once attempted suicide – and I swear to God this is true – by throwing a giant rock in the air and then walking underneath it. Sarah, your never gonna succeed in this business if your biggest comedic influence is Wile E. Coyote.”
“Pat’s son recently walked a block, raising suspicion that Pat isn’t the real father.”
“When Sarah was fourteen she dated a twenty-five-year-old man, who is now in jail for possession of child pornography. Finally, somebody used a Sarah Keller headshot to get booked for something.”
Barker stumbles a bit on his last joke, but overall it’s a fairly even battle. If we’re going by crowd reaction, Sarah has the bigger hits.
“I’m glad she overcame that suicidal moment by confronting the boulder that almost fell on her.” – Mike Lawrence
After giving both battlers props for their writing and performances, Sarah Keller gets the votes from the judges to win the battle. It is a great match, but in the end Sarah Keller reigns supreme.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.