The crowd is hot and ready, like a little caesar’s pizza. The judges have joined the table, we have the Legion of Skanks – Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez, and Dave Smith – next to Roast Battle’s own Kim Congdon, and rounding out the judges’ table is Cort McCown.

The first match pits Lou Misiano against Justin Etheridge. Lou enters the stage wearing a suit and tie, a bold move in the Roast Battle ring and is immediately lambasted by the judges for his pretentious style choice. On brand with his overly cocky outfit, Lou volunteers to go first.

“Justin, you pube-faced fuck, between your beard, complexion and career you look like a Hollywood terrorist, except you’ll never blow up.”

“That took him a while to write, Lou, my man, you know Lou asked me a while back if it was okay if he said the n-word, and I said “yeah, it’s okay” he said “You don’t have a problem if I say the n-word? Why?” I said “Because I like salt on my crackers.'”

“Dude, you live with your girlfriend, you go to UCLA and you’re a failed director, you’re whiter than I am.”

“You look Ben Affleck fucked Casey Affleck and fucking Christopher Reeves corpse and then curled it.”

“This is going to be easier than your dad deciding to leave you. Believe it or not, Justin is a worse director than he is comedian, at his last movie premier, the police showed up, but instead of shooting another unarmed black man, they just watched his movie and thought, “nah, he’ll kill himself.””

“I tried to type your name into google and it just said, “Who…the fuck?””

Lou is the undeniable winner by a landslide. Justin would have been better off not showing up. Justin has either never seen a battle before, or just didn’t care if he looked like an ill-prepared, rambling fool. In the words of Luis:

“Justin, let me explain to you how bad you were. The guy in the suit is the most unlikable human being, no one wanted this guy to win, I wanted him to break his fucking neck on a stool, you were THAT bad. He beat you so badly it was embarrassing. You didn’t even write any jokes, you have to at least try.”

Lou had an impressive showing in his first battle, and I doubt it will be the last we see of his stupid fucking face.

The crowd is alive with the energy off the last match and Moses brings Kelly McInerney to the stage followed by Ashley Johnson. Ashley gets in a quick zinger when asked why he accepted her challenge:

“I figured I owed her that much after she escaped from my basement…you owe me for a padlock and a door, by the way.”

The crowd loves the self-deprecation and it’s a smart move on Ashley’s part by taking away a potential joke from Kelly. Ashley makes Kelly go first:

“Ashley’s 33, but that’s actually 63 in dog fucker years.”

“Kelly got rejected by Doug Benson, proving not enough weed in the world makes Kelly worth fucking.”

“Ashley’s dad is gay, and that makes sense, because when he was a little kid he would ask Ashley what color belt he wanted to be beaten with.”

“Good one every school shooter’s ex-girlfriend. Kelly’s an alt comic who delivers weed for a living. How did your brother die two years ago, and you’re still your parents biggest disappointment.”

“It’s really easy being the golden child when your brother is dead. The only time Ashley believes in time’s up is when his knees give out when raping a girl.”

“Kelly has such a weird face and mouth she looks like Doctor Suess wrote a book about gentrifying Whoville.”

It’s a fine battle by both, but the judges are unimpressed. Kim gives Ashley the edge for his timing, and the rest vote the match a draw based on how boring it was. The crowd is evenly split and ask for one more joke. Normally, one more joke is left to draws that are too close to call, not draws that are too boring to call, but we get one more joke from both.

“Kelly lives in Echo Park, which is hilarious because that’s what the locals call her cavernous pussy.”

“Ashley looks like what happens when you accidentally spill Rogaine on your dick.”

Ashley’s last joke is reminiscent of many we’ve heard before, and Kelly’s doesn’t make sense. The crowd votes Ashley the winner.

The next battle is Movses Shakarian vs. Kelsey Lane. Kelsey comes to the stage first and is met immediately with ribbing about her sexuality and outfit, the best quote coming from Kim and inspiring the title of this article:

“She wore the most pussy eating outfit ever.”

Movses joins Kelsey on stage, and volunteers to go first.

“Kelsey actually has her father out here tonight, and they have a lot in common, she fucks people with a strap-on, he fucks people with his parenting.”

“Movses looks like a gay chipmunk that eats ass with a bib.”

“Thank you Peg Bundy. Kelsey nice flannel, here’s a shotgun put yourself in Nirvana.”

“You know, Movses recently tied the knot, now we’re just hoping he hangs himself from it.”

“Kelsey, you remind me of the game pogs, you flip over on your back while being slammed and no one’s cared about you since the mid-90s.”

“Movses’ husband married him to become a citizen. He calls Movses his H-I-Visa.”

Movses jokes hit more consistently, him not having a miss until his last joke. While Kelsey’s first joke misses, her last joke prompts an “H-I-VISA” led by the chant master, always a good sign. Big Jay weighs in and asks Kelsey if she’s more of a lesbian than a bisexual, to which Kelsey responds, “It depends on who’s in my mouth.” The audience loves the candid response and Kelsey begins to win their favor after the battle.

The final shift towards Kelsey comes after her father is brought on stage, despite her not having the better jokes, her performance and after-battle antics garner her audience favor, and it’s too close to call. They go into overtime:

“Movses recently got circumcised. As an Armenian, it’d be out of character to leave a tip.”

“Kelsey Lane sounds like she’d be the daughter of Stormy Daniels, but actually she was named after the street her mother should have aborted her on.”

The crowd loves Kelsey’s racist joke, and can’t get on board with Movses’s abortion joke, probably because they know her dad is in the audience. Kelsey takes it in OT.

The room is buzzing after watching Kelsey’s dad dance and show everyone why she’s a bisexual musical comedian. The last undercard is Robin Tran vs. Evan Cassidy. Evan is brought on stage and comes out swinging.

“Why are you battling?” – Moses

“We have more in common than you think – we go way back, we went to the same school, we have the same birthday, we’re both dudes.” – Evan

The crowd loves it, and Robin joins Evan on stage in her signature subdued manner. Not one to miss an opportunity for a joke, when asked why she’s battling she responds:

“Well, I’ve battled most of the top-tier battlers, so I figured I’d start working my way through the mediocre middle.”

The judges are speechless, and Robin volunteers to go first.

“Evan doesn’t like to be called a straight white male. Okay, what about boring white fag?”

“Robin proves that women can come in different shapes and sizes, or with balls and a receding hairline.”

“People are always telling Evan, “Great set man, that was really funny!” Sorry I said that wrong. Evan produces a lot of comedy shows.”

“Robin got in trouble at work a couple years ago for sexually harassment – I don’t know if she’s transgender or just trying to lay low for a while.”

“Evan’s dad is a doctor and his mom has Parkinson’s, which means they’re both constantly shaking their heads at his comedy career.”

“My mom does have Parkinson’s, but it’s not debilitating, like I don’t have to call her a different name or pretend she’s a different gender.”

It’s a great fight by both these experienced battlers, and the crowd is salivating. The judges cast their opinions, unanimously agreeing it was an excellent battle, Dave and Cort give it to Evan and Kim votes for Robin. Before the audience can vote, Saudi Prince arrives and steals the limelight from the battlers with his usual racist, sexist, horrifying charm. After the audience gets back on track, they vote Evan the winner.

The room is raucous and ready for the title match, Jeanne Whitney vs. Toby Muresianu. Jeanne comes to the stage first and starts off rocky responding to the “why battle” question:

“Well you can’t really roast Toby, because he’s a tin man, so you can really only heat him up.”

It doesn’t hit because it doesn’t really make sense. Toby comes to the stage to lackluster applause, probably based on Jeanne’s dud of a starter joke, and not because of their opinion of Toby. Toby has a better response to the question:

“Well, Jeanne might not do roast battle anymore, she says it’s really awkward being around someone she’s slept with, which is also why she doesn’t go to any Roscoe’s in LA.”

It’s a great first joke and introduction of information about Jeanne. The judges and Saudi Prince comment on the blinding whiteness on the stage, and the past relationship between Moses and Jeanne. Moses asks who’s going first and Toby doesn’t miss his chance to get in another joke:

“I thought you went first, Moses.”

The crowd explodes and Toby is off to a commanding lead before it even begins. Moses tells Toby to go first:

“Jeanne took a DNA test that said she was 2% African. But that’s because she did a cheek swab.”

“Hey Toby, you should try fucking a black person because the only rhythm you’ve got is algorithm.”

“There’s nothing wrong with blowing black dudes. Jeanne’s just done it so much she contracted the lips.”

“Toby is a successful attractive doctor, sorry that’s Toby’s girlfriend. Toby is a piece of shit.”

“I don’t want to slut-shame Jeanne. I mean, she’s a slut, but she has so much more to be ashamed of.”

“Toby, aren’t vegetarians supposed to be in shape? How are you buff, fat, and scrawny all at the same time?”

The first round was exactly what we wanted and expected, well-written, smart and mean as hell jokes. While Jeanne put up a good fight, Toby was mercilessly vicious and shows why he’s the current LA champion. He takes the round with unanimous votes from the judges. Jeanne defers to Toby for the second round:

“Jeanne gave away her dog to focus on her comedy career. Which is another way of saying she gave away her dog for no reason whatsoever.”

“Jeanne’s her middle name. Her first name is Recessive.”

“You look like the only person who smoked meth because you believed in the healing power of crystals.”

Toby’s second round is good, but not nearly as fire as his first, Jeanne has a chance at tying things up if she gets meaner than the first round.

“Toby was a really cute kid, whenever he’d say something in class his teachers would go ‘awwwwwtistic’”

“A lot of people say that Toby is retarded, but that’s just because he’s super retarded.”

“The only difference between Toby and a manila envelope is that those actually go somewhere.”

Jeanne has an okay round, but it isn’t enough to edge out Toby. Luis votes for Jeanne, saying that Toby edged her out, but it was entertaining enough that he wants to see the last round. Kim says she wants to vote for Jeanne, but can’t because it wasn’t close enough and gives it to Toby. Cort follows suit voting for Toby. Dave gives it Jeanne, tying it up, so it comes down to Big Jay to break the tie, he votes for Toby, and Toby adds another W to his long list of triumphs. Before Moses can announce it’s over, Jeanne asks to do one more round for fun, and the audience enthusiastically agrees. Toby starts off the fun round:

“Jeanne’s parents bred dogs. Obviously.”

“Toby has never eaten pussy, but he has sipped it like a hot tea.”

“Growing up people spread a story that Jeanne had sex with a horse, which was believed by hundreds of kids. And one horse.”

“When I get rusty I need an open mic, when Toby gets rusty he needs WD40. Toby looks like his frat brothers ran trains but they made him hold the whistle and be the conductor.”

“Jeanne, why do you look like Heather Graham after 10 seconds in the microwave? Jeanne Whitney. You know Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, so you both fucked every black guy in the south.”

“Toby has never even been to the South, not because he isn’t well-traveled, but because we don’t allow faggots there.”

It was a great last round, with some of Jeanne’s best and meanest jokes, but Toby dominated the first two rounds and secured his spot at #1 for the foreseeable future.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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