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by Keith Carey

The vibe at Roast Battle is almost always pretty friendly. For all of the hateful things we say on stage, we’re a big dumb family, and we all (mostly) love each other. So there was an air of community pride around the proceedings as we watched our esteemed photographer Troy Conrad unveil his new exhibit. Troy has captured the energy of this bonkers show in photos that are sure to become iconic in the future, and his now-legendary series of hallway photos is now a permanent fixture in the Comedy Store’s Main Room. 72 paid regulars hang on the wall, all captured by Troy’s expert lens. Congrats to Troy, and here’s to him one day being too successful to fuck around at Roast Battle!

Enough love, let’s get to the fights! The night’s six battles were a roller coaster ride of quality, viciousness, and gay boners. The show began with San Diego’s own Tommy Lucero taking down Cody Morley.

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Full disclosure: I didn’t see this battle, so instead I will present some of their jokes, as sent to me. What I do know is that Cody lost, Tommy is a stoner, and I am a shitty journalist.

“Tommy recently lost 100 pounds, thanks to a steady diet of eating shit on stage.”

“Cody, your act is more disappointing to audiences than your adult life is to your family.”

“When people call Tommy ‘slacker’ they’re talking about his skin.”

“I smoke weed in hopes that I’ll forget the last time Cody was on stage.”

“Tommy’s girlfriends are disgusting. He’s fed more fat, ugly white women than Jezebel.”

“Cody’s dad left faster than the front row at one of his shows.”

For what it’s worth, I really enjoy that Jezebel joke, but apparently the audience did not. (?/???)

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In undercard number two, Mike Devore went Godzilla on Nic Flair’s ass for an easy win. As far as first battles go, this was a clinic on both how to win and how to fail. Mike had concise, sharp jokes that were mean and well-honed. Nic muttered material that was lazy and inarticulate. The crowd massacred him. Hopefully he’ll come with heat next time, because this time? Oof.

“Nic’s real last name is Japanese. Which explains why his face looks like Hiroshima.”

“Mike is Filipino. He said he was hungry before the show. Anybody know where the nearest dog pound is?”

“Nic had cancer. He’s the first comic to exit stage left and enter stage 4.”

“Mike, is that a mole on your forehead or is it herpes from being in the Navy?”

“Nic was exposed to so much radiation, Captain America tried to recruit him.”

(??/???)

In our third undercard of the evening, Becky Klueger triumphed over Kevin Fard!

This was a fun one. Becky and Kevin are both lawyers in addition to being comedians, which led to the Sklar Brothers making easily a hundred legal system puns. It also led to Coach Tea dropping the “Law & Order” theme during the intros and detonating the entire room.

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“You guys are both lawyers? Who’s Moses, the defendant?”- Hater Earl Skakel 

Kevin had exactly the swag and energy you’d expect from a man who looks like everybody you’ve ever met named Chad. Becky came up with the mousy, quiet energy of a preteen boy concealing his first boner, but as the battle unfolded, she found her footing and her confidence:

“Give it up for Becky. She’s currently transitioning into your 12-year-old brother.”

“When Kevin says he’s going to get off your conviction, he means he’s gonna jerk off while you talk about the girl you raped.”

“Becky’s a lesbian Jew. You can’t see her horns because she cut them off to use on her strap-on.”

“Congratulations to Kevin on his role in the upcoming film, Scumdog Million-Hairs.”

“Becky eats so much clam it’s not kosher to smell her breath.”

“I wanted to say the same about Kevin, but I don’t know what little boys’ dicks smell like.”

That rebuttal sent the Wave into a frenzy and lit up the room in a big bad way. Roastmaster Jeff Ross pushed this battle into overtime, but the audience had already made up their mind, and Becky took the win with little crowd resistance. (??/???)

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In our next battle, Erik Escobar lost to Justin Matson!

This fight was a clusterfuck, top to bottom. Justin is the strangest shaped fat person I have ever seen. Imagine a gay butter sculputure that’s juuuuuust starting to melt, throw in some buggy Ray Romano eyes and the fanciest shirt you can buy at a Ross, and you’re in the ballpark. Erik seems like the kind of guy who knows where to get black market horse pills. They both approached the stage with a very hesitant energy, which is usually a bad sign. But unlike Becky, who was able to turn the tide, these two went down early and never really made it back up.

“Erik still lives with his parents. Or, more accurately, his parents still live with regret.”

“Justin used to have anorexia. I guess you are what you eat; nothing.”

“Erik does improv. Whenever people ask for a one word suggestion, people shout, ‘SUICIDE!’”

“Justin’s boyfriend calls him a cum-bucket. That’s not accurate. A bucket has a way tighter hole.”

“Erik’s half-Mexican and half-Filipino. He’ll steal your car and then crash it.”

“Justin, are you eyes Native American? Because they’re in-tents.”

The crowd violently booed that last joke. Even Josh Meyrowitz, our jiggly, lovable mascot, was screaming at the stage:

“SUCK A DICK IN HACK HELL!”-Josh Meyrowitz

“Both these guys were borderline terrible. You’re both sweating more than the Negro Wave at a spelling bee.”-Jeff Ross

“At least it looks like you really beat that anorexia.”-Thai Rivera

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Better luck next time, fellas. (?/???)

Luckily, the next battle saved the show, as Connor McSpadden made Jonathan Rowell bite the pillow of defeat!

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This fight is exactly what we’ve come to expect and love from Roast Battle. The jokes were mean, tight, and clever. The personalities on stage were big, from Jonathan’s wry smirk, to Connor’s smug scowl that makes him seem so unlikable that people get angry when he’s also the funniest person in the room. Here’s a taste:

“Jonathan got gonnorhea last year. In 5 years of comedy, it’s the only clap he’s ever gotten.”

“Connor, you look like somebody put your face in a microwave and pressed ‘Pizza.’”

“Jonathan’s a gay Mexican. When he told his parents, he came out of the janitor’s closet.”

“Connor’s such a bro, he chokes girls out with a puka shell necklace.”

“Jonathan’s the only Latino to be disowned for picking fruits.”

“Connor, you look like Sid from Toy Story grew up to be a sad P.A.”

“Jonathan is such a hipster he only fucks guys through a New Found Gloryhole.”

“Connor was molested by his 10-year-old cousin. Which was weird, because that was last year.”

“Jonathan is a wetback because he’s too ugly to fuck from the front.”

“Connor likes girls to fuck him with strap-ons. His ass has been pumped with more silicone than Thai Rivera’s face.”

Rowell put up a good fight, but McSpadden had him on experience and consistency. The important thing is not who wins or loses. The important thing is they mouth-fucked each other real hard after the fight and it made me feel some tingly stuff in my pants. 

Great fight. (???/???)

In our main event, Evan Cassidy knocked out rising star Tony Alfano.

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“What’s the prize tonight, a job at Guitar Center?”-Jeff Ross

Compared to other comedy shows, at Roast Battle, momentum can help or hinder you in a huge way. Tony and Evan had a well-built, solidly-performed battle that, on any other night, probably would have played very well. But between the glut of undercards and the fact that they were following the white-hot sexual intensity of Jonathan and Connor, these dueling bros had a hard time connecting in the first round. But as they loosened up, they started landing some big swings, and Evan in particular had a couple of jokes that brought the room to its feet and the Wave to a fever pitch. Let’s take a look:

“They say you should dress for job you want. That’s why Evan dresses like a weekend dad.”

“Tony does a lot of Mexican rooms. Hopefully he’s in one when we build the wall.”

“Evan likes to hook up with black girls he meets at comedy clubs because he’s used to underperforming in dark, smelly places.”

“Tony looks like he’s in the NRA for paintball.”

“Evan actually got fired from Uber. Now he just rapes girls in his car for free.”

“Tony is divorced which means there’s a sad woman out there with half of Smashmouth’s discography.”

“Evan is allergic to milk, almonds, and from the look of it, his HIV medication.”

“Tony has resting pool-cleaner face.”

“Evan looks like a leprechaun that leads you to a pot of Hepatitis.”

“Everything about Tony screams, ‘One day I’ll leave my kid suffocating in a Humvee.’”

(???/?????)

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“That’s Roast Battle, baby; AIDS, rape, and racism!”- Brian Moses

It sure is, Moses. It sure is.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Let’s roast!

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