The crowd is a little lackluster this Tuesday night. The stand-ups worked their damndest to crack them, but the energy seems a bit down, even as Autistic Thunder shakes what Aspergers gave him on stage. Moses comes on stage to promote Julie Seabaugh’s book, chastise the crowd, and kick things off by introducing tonight’s VIP panel. Our scheduled judges – Jeff Ross, Cort McCown, and Matthew Broussard – are all present, joined by Saudi Prince, Tony Hinchcliffe, the Comedy Store’s newest paid regular Frank Castillo, and returning rapper Freddie Gibbs. Jeff speed-roasts the audience, loosening them up and setting the stage for the six battles on tonight’s fight card.
First up, Sacramento’s Wayne Broadway and Irvine’s Kenan Kaya take the stage. Wayne comes in soft when Moses asks why he wants to battle Kenan, but Kenan is here to play hardball:
“He’s a piece of shit! This dude cheated on his girlfriend with a dude!”
“That’s wrong. I cheated on my girlfriend with a trans woman, which is like… this is 2019, guys. Get woke, guys, c’mon.”
“He still cheated.”
After getting dogged for snitching, the battle starts with Wayne taking the first swing.
“Kenan’s done acid over 50 times in his adult life. But the trippiest thing about him is that he thinks he’s actually funny.”
“That was a good joke, Schoolboy LGBTQ. Wayne Broadway used to be a Jehovah’s Witness. He would always go door-to-door. Not because he’s religious, but because he’s looking for his father.”
“I don’t know if I can take this from DJ Khaled Sheik Mohammed, but… alright. I didn’t feel bad when I found out Kenan didn’t make the cut for the high school basketball team. In fact the only cut I wish he had made was down his wrists and across his neck.”
At this point, Wayne is clearly in trouble. His first joke didn’t land, his rebuttal faceplanted, and he hadn’t built up enough goodwill with the crowd to make such a hard turn into trying out a “kill yourself” joke. Things get tense as Kenan whips back around to face an increasingly deflated Wayne.
“Wayne, you sound like a nerd, bro. You sound like Jaleel Whitewashed.”
Wayne rolls his eyes but the crowd rolls into an applause break. Kenan continues:
“Wayne’s job was to spread the good word. But for Wayne, the good word was just a cute little nickname for his butthole.”
Kenan’s joke crushes. Wayne is completely demoralized at this point, and it shows.
“I can tell this is my battle to lose, but I just wanted to say, thank you guys for supporting Irvine’s Most Wanted. He’s a good kid. But, uh…”
Let me offer a tip to any new roast battlers out there: NEVER GIVE UP. This show, like any other comedy show, is about having fun. The only difference is that in battle, you know people are laughing at you instead of with you. Yeah, it’s easy to get in your head when that shit happens. We’re comics. We’re in our heads a lot. And if you start to waver and second-guess yourself out there, letting it show does not make you look cool and detached. It makes you look stupid and aloof. Give it your all, even when you’re floundering. Who knows? Maybe your next joke will actually land!
“I just wanted to say, Kenan’s dad is a political prisoner in Turkey, which is terrible. But, uh, for making me listen to five minutes of Kenan’s material, I hope he ends up in the final act of an ISIS video.”
“Thank you, Ashy Ketchum. Wayne’s had more dicks slammed in his face than the front doors of his neighbors’ houses.”
It’s not even close. Kenan takes it in walk.
“I thought it was like a SoundCloud rapper versus his producer.” – Cort McCown
“It’s all love, but you’re trash at this battle shit.” – Freddie Gibbs
“It was a good battle, it felt like a special needs re-enactment of an after-school special about not doing crack… normally I don’t get people to bomb this close to me without promising them virgins.” – Saudi Prince
The audience sides with the judges. Kenan takes home his first win as we move on to our second battle of the night: Galyn Nash versus Anthony Davis. Galyn gets a lot of shit for his name from Freddie Gibbs, then Freddie is doubly disappointed when he realizes the AD battling tonight is not the basketball player.
“I look different on TV.” – Anthony
“The camera adds seven inches and black skin.” – Moses
Anthony’s down-home Southern charm wins over the crowd right from the get-go, but Galyn is all smiles, too. If either of them are nervous, it doesn’t really show. Galyn opts to go first, then digs in as the bell rings.
“Anthony married an Asian. He figured the best way to make his dick look bigger is to get a wife that can’t see it anyway.”
“Had to give her a green card! Galyn looks like that person who’s just very upset that there’s not enough white people in Lion King.”
Things seem alright to start off, then Galyn tries to make a crack about not understanding Anthony through his thick accent that doesn’t land. Then, the awkwardness ramps up.
“Anthony posted that he hasn’t seen an afro in a long time –”
“No I didn’t.”
Galyn is clearly not happy with the interruption – which, to be fair, is in poor form. Though it’s totally understandable that a battler would be wary of someone making a joke about them that’s founded in falsehoods.
“It was three years ago on Facebook.”
“Oh, okay, that’s right.”
“Anthony posted that he hasn’t seen an afro in a long time. The last time he saw an afro was in his front yard hanging from a tree.”
Turns out the joke was not worth the flash of anger from Galyn. The crowd doesn’t budge.
“Jesus Chris, alright. That got dark as shit. Okay. The only thing you need to know about Galyn Nash is he’s not nailin’ gash.”
Anthony opts for the slow-burn here, and it pays off. Autistic Thunder chants “GASH! GASH! GASH!” as Galyn goes for his final joke.
“Anthony looks like he does Civil War re-enactments where the South actually wins and decides to enslave Mexicans too.”
“I would watch the shit out of that, to be honest with you. This is terrible. You look like the prettiest guy at a gangbang, you know that?”
Galyn tells his final joke like it’s the last line of his manifesto: cold, unsmiling, angry. It hits, but not as hard as Anthony’s does. The judging begins with Galyn getting a vote from Matthew Broussard, who also compliments Anthony. This starts a weird, hilarious back-and-forth between Anthony and the panel where he apologizes to and thanks the judges in equal measure. Eventually, we determine that Anthony is the victor, kicking off a winning streak and giving Galyn something to think about in future fights.
“I really liked this fight between two guys fighting over a parking space for a Bird scooter.” – Jeff Ross
After this, we move on to Rebecca Rush versus Josh Edelman. The crowd still seems fatigued, especially after a judging session that seems to take eons. Little do they know that they’re about to witness a beautiful Roast Battle moment.
Josh and Rebecca take the stage and start slinging barbs. Boca Raton’s own goes first.
“Rebecca’s tits are so abnormally large, it’s like the only men she lets inside her are Ben and Jerry.”
“Thank you, Gay-ve Attell. Josh became a magician because he already spent most of his time at children’s parties. He quit because he could only make his hair disappear.”
“Rebecca’s actually a magician, too. She made all her dad’s money disappear using just her nose.”
For the first time all night, the room erupts. Jamar hops on stage to take a selfie with Josh as the crowd applauds him. When things die down, Rebecca gets going once again.
“Thank you, Pauly Shorter. Josh’s dad is an eye doctor and he still can’t see that he’s a failure.”
“That joke was almost as bad as your back must be. Rebecca’s had so many abortions, Jewish day schools visit her vagina on field trips so they can never forget.”
“Josh looks like he can’t cum without apologizing.”
Rebecca’s last joke gets a big pop, but she can’t compare to Josh, who consistently smashed from the get-go. As Jeff Ross kicks off the judging, he is interrupted by a female heckler with a thick accent:
“SEXIST FUCK!” – female heckler with a thick accent
Everyone freezes. The vibe is like someone threw a dead gazelle in front of hungry lions.
“Which one?” – Jeff Ross
“Well there’s a woman on stage and everything is just…” – female heckler with a thick accent
“What are you, Christopher Walken?” – Jeff Ross
And with that, the bubble of tension that’s hung over the entire night bursts. As the angry accented woman continues to yell “SEXIST FUCK!” to no avail, the entire room laughs at her. The judges sink their teeth in.
“This is a wonderful example of why we don’t let women speak in my country.” – Saudi Prince
“Guys, guys, guys, stop! A white woman’s feelings are hurt!” – Frank Castillo
“This show is not sexist. It’s sexist, homophobic, racist… go to Meltdown if you want a less sexist show!” – Matthew Broussard
After flipping off the entire judges’ panel, the embattled heckler walks out. Jamar gladly slams the door shut behind her as chants of “BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE!” ripple through the room.
“She was right. Rebecca was talking a lot of shit about Josh being a man ‘n shit.” – Moses
“We haven’t offended anyone like that in a long time… WE STILL GOT ‘EM!” – Jeff Ross
The judges praise Rebecca for coming through at the end, but ultimately give Josh the nod. The audience follows suit.
It’s a good thing that lady left when she did, because shit is about to get a lot more sexist in here as Digits takes on Madison Sinclair. As Madison explains, this battle has some heightened stakes.
See, after initially reaching out to her about battling, Digits proposed a wager: if she wins, he’d get her name tattooed on him. If she loses, she has to go on a date with him.
“As fun as dodging punches in East L.A. sounds…” – Madison Sinclair
“You’d better pick a spot after, fool… where you wanna go, McDonald’s?” – Digits
After some negotiating, they agreed that Digits would tattoo Elizabeth Warren’s name on his body if he lost the fight. And with that, these two are ready to live battle-ly ever after.
“Digits wouldn’t tell me why he went to prison. But I found out it was for bank fraud. I’m just kidding, he killed a guy!”
“Yo, Madison’s been to prison too. For stealing jokes. Yo. Madison is so rich and spoiled, when she saw the little Mexican immigrants on TV, she was like, ‘aww, I want one!'”
“And your son’s really happy at my house now!”
“Joke’s on you, I hate my son!”
“Digits has been called every name in the book. So he’s gonna be pissed when he learns how to read.”
“Hey, yo, I may look like Carlos Mencia, but Madison steals jokes and uses them for writing her jobs. That is true.”
For the second time in this fight, Digits brings up Madison stealing jokes. As has been covered extensively on this blog in the past, joke theft and parallel thinking have been addressed time and time again on this show, to varying degrees of success. While it’s rarely a move that pans out well, a joke theft accusation is not the arrow worth pulling from your quiver when you are getting clobbered by your opponent. Digits learns that the hard way.
“Hey Digits, maybe you should try that sometime.” – Jeff Ross
Jeff’s joke clears the tension and knocks Digits down to size. He tries to recover:
“That wasn’t even the joke, fool. I may look like Carlos Mencia, but Madison steals roast jokes for your writing jobs. You stole more jokes than my fuckin’ Mexican family.”
“Do it again! Do it again!” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“How many digits were in that joke?” – Jeff Ross
The crowd and Madison are all practically giddy at this point.
“It’s a joke, not a Ford Fiesta. You don’t have to squeeze everything you own in it… it’s good Mexicans can dig. Because you’re gonna have to dig six feet if you ever want to see your homies again.”
“Hey, yo, Madison isn’t a racist. She supports the black and Mexican communities every Friday when she buys cocaine.”
It’s a no-brainer: Digits is getting an Elizabeth Warren tattoo. But since this show is about adding insult to injury, that’s exactly what the judges do.
“I’m going to give it to the one with tits and a vagina.” – Matt Broussard
“I would hate to hear your rap battle, man.” – Freddie Gibbs
“You were his hero!” – Jamar Neighbors
“Hey, man, I fuck with you. Buy my shit! Keep buying my shit!” – Freddie Gibbs
“He does rap? Don’t they call it burrito?” – Tony Hinchcliffe
The audience makes it official, and we move on to the first main event: Jewish-looking German Isaac Hirsch versus Nazi-looking Jew Jacob Trimmer. Isaac elects to go first.
“No matter what happens in this battle, Jacob should be proud being here at the Comedy Store, because it’s been his lifelong dream to be allowed in a building.”
“Isaac dates fat girls so he has something to hold on to when the wind picks up.”
“Jacob’s mom teaches special ed. Pretty crazy that she had Jacob and then thought I’m not getting enough of this shit at home.”
“Isaac looks like his biggest problem in comedy is older kids stealing his milk money.”
“Jacob, you piece of shit. You look like you’re most excited for the ‘napping’ part of kidnapping.”
“Isaac, the only way you’d look threatening is if someone used you as a weapon.”
“Jacob’s been in a lot of fights. He was actually just in a fight outside. But if you think he looks bad… you’re right.”
“Isaac wasn’t raised religious, but he still prays… on women that trust him.”
“Jacob is a lot like 50 Cent. He’s been stabbed, shot, been to prison, and still nobody gives a shit about what he’s up to today.”
“You know, we had a name for guys like you in prison: currency. Isaac’s like a lawn dart: thin, easily thrown, and has definitely killed a child.”
What a battle! Now, it’s no secret that they each had some duds, but this is a tight, solid fight from start to finish, with some judges calling for a draw.
“Thank God for two Jews who can’t ruin my career.” – Cort McCown
“You guys look like a before-and-after picture that went too far in either direction.” – Matthew Broussard
It’s too close to call, so the fighters go for one more joke.
“Isaac doesn’t drink or do drugs. His only vice is that potion that turns him into Tony Hinchcliffe.”
“Jacob somehow looks like a huge loser, and a scary racist. You look like you’d drag a black guy behind your 1995 Geo Metro.”
Isaac locks it up in OT, sealing his spot deep in the top ten of next month’s rankings – possibly even the top five. What a match. Can’t wait to see these guys back in the ring again.
Finally, undefeated Brett Erickson tests his mettle against Roast Battle hall-of-famer Omid Singh. With this fight, Omid officially enters the 30 Battle Club, joining Pat Barker, Keith Carey, and myself. But as we’ve learned, Brett is no stranger to achieving milestones, having run up a historic 10-0 record preceding this fight. The battle-heads in the room are on the edges of their seats.
Brett elects to go first.
“Omid, your face is like the first five minutes of a porn: mostly head. What, is your hair seeking asylum on your back? Doesn’t it know where all the good hair jobs are?”
“Brett looks like a gas station attendant that wants to tell you a long story.”
Even off of the first joke, the difference between these two fighters couldn’t be more stark. Brett, a strong writer, is trying to stuff three jokes into one volley, with diminishing returns at every punchline. Omid, however, comes in short and sharp. The stylistic gap widens as the fight goes on.
“If you’re filling up, you’ve got time… Omid is an Iranian Indian, which is the worst kind of both of those. If he were a liberal Congresswoman, Trump wouldn’t know which shithole country to tell him to go back to.”
“Brett is fifty-one. He’s seen thirteen World Cups, ten U.S. Presidents, and two kids taken away from him.”
“They weren’t that great of kids. Omid used to work in the Fashion District. Apparently, with his eyes closed.”
“Brett looks like a caterer that’s touched all the appetizers on his tray.”
“Omid is a Hindu. So he would never eat a cow. Unless she can keep a secret.”
“Brett looks like he says the N-word if other white people around him are saying it.”
“Omid is a very unique comedian. He’s the only comedian who could play cricket, and then play to crickets.”
“Brett’s a pescatarian, right? He doesn’t eat meat unless it’s fishy and stinky like Kerry Mitchell’s pussy.”
By the end of the set, both comics have lost steam. However, it’s evident that Omid still has gas in the tank while Brett is simply sputtering out.
“I was questioning your brown-ness at the beginning, man, but you’re brown. You’re James Brown. I fuck with you, my boy.” – Freddie Gibbs
“This was a great battle. Omid came out guns a-blazing like he was storming TSA.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“That’s definitely two towers down.” – Saudi Prince
“Brett, you’ve been consistent ten in a row, but you missed twice tonight… just keep going, man, you’re on the path to greatness.” – Jeff Ross
Omid Singh wins in his triumphant return, but Brett’s far from finished – in fact, he has a “Number One Contender” match coming up against Sarah Keller next month. But until then, we’ll see if this is the start of a streak or a simple hiccup on the road to a title fight.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.