by Keith Carey
Tuesday night is fast approaching, and with it comes the
weekly blood-letting we love so much, Roast Battle! This week is set to be a
big bag of surprises. We’ve got some returning favorites, an East/West main
event, some newbies, and an all porn-star battle! Let’s get into it.
First on the docket, Julian Fernandez squares off against
Tony is taking this fight to get revenge on Julian for
appropriating Jheri curl from the black community. Both of these guys have done
a few battles, and their results have been inconsistent. However, they have
potential, and perhaps this pairing of palookas will result in redemption. Or
maybe they’ll bomb and we’ll just shit on them for, like, ten minutes. Either
way, should be fun.
Next up, Kellianne Sattler gets nasty with Johnny Stewart!
These two look like a couple that just got married at a
Social Distortion show. Kellianne has the trailer-park two-toned hair thing going on, and Johnny is non-ironically rocking fingerless gloves,
so expect the white trash levels to be off the charts for this fight. These
battlers come from the Inland Empire, the godless wasteland that gave us Roast
Battle icon Connor McSpadden, so there’s some precedent for a strong fighter to
come out of their neck of the woods. Hopefully one of them can rise to the
The hits keep on coming as Fizaa Dosani takes on Mike Gamms!
I dare you to prove that “Fizaa Dosani” is not a La
Croix-style knockoff beverage. Like, it tastes like lime and piss and it’s
exclusively consumed by boring women in yoga pants. That being said, Fizaa’s
last outing at Roast Battle was a moderate success, so it’ll be interesting to
see if she can replicate it or if she falls into the dreaded and all too common
sophomore slump. I don’t know Mike Gamms but based solely on his face and
haircut, fuck this dude.
In one of the most interesting match-ups of the evening,
Nicole Becannon steps into the ring with Jeff Danis!
Nicole has become a Roast Battle regular, and is one of the
most endearing fighters on the roster. While her results have, admittedly, been
scattered, she always brings a buoyant energy to the room, and she’s a scrappy
little underdog you can’t help but root for, like a more bangable Rudy. Well,
not THAT much more bangable, Sean Astin is kind of sexy. She’s up against Jeff Danis, a Comedy Store legend of “Danish and O’Neil” fame. While this is Jeff’s
first trip to the ring, he has written for other roasts and is a savagely funny
son of a bitch, so this could be a really exciting match.
In the night’s final undercard, it’s porn star vs. porn star
as Silvia Saige attempts to hate-fuck Wesley Woods!
These competitiors, both seen here with dicks up in ‘em, are
new to the competition. Truthfully, I’ve never heard of either of them. But
after exhaustive Googling, I am now a fan, and also might be completely out of
cum. Silvia has a slutty MILF quality that makes you feel like she’d pick you
up from soccer practice in the Bang Bus. And Wesley looks like everybody I’ve
ever wanted to blow in a beach bathroom. Will they have jokes? Almost certainly
not, but who cares because this show is madness and of course this is
In the first of two main events, heroin hero Dan Nolan trades
blows with the blonde bombshell Sarah Keller!
Dan Nolan, fresh off a phenomenal battle with Kim Congdon,
is quite possibly the hardest working man in Roast Battle. He takes an
incredible amount of fights, and with each one further refines his unique, goof-ball
charm. Sarah Keller has far less experience in the ring, but is not to be slept
on. Every time she’s done this show, she’s lit the room up. Roast Battle can
inherently be biased against very attractive people, but Sarah’s looks are
nothing compared to her writing and delivery. A win against Dan Nolan would be
a huge jump up in terms of reputation for her, and could open the door to
battles against more top 20 brawlers. Don’t miss this one, kids.
In our final fight, prodigal son Quentin Moscaritolo returns
to Los Angeles to scrap with Anna Valenzuela!
Quentin was a promising Los Angeles battler who made a huge
impression in a handful of fights, notably his legendary dismantling of Madison
Sinclair, and then moved to New York. He’s a relatively new comic, but time in
the Big Apple can only have sharpened his skills, and he’ll need them at peak
performance against Anna. Anna Valenzuela went from being one of the most
underestimated names in the Roast Battle arena to scoring a dark horse slot in
the TV tournament. While she was knocked out in the second round by Frank
Castillo en route to his championship victory, she has proved time and time
again that those who don’t take her seriously will pay the price. Who will
emerge victorious? Show the fuck up and find out.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.