Tragedy struck close to home this weekend. Some of us were affected personally. Some of us know people who were. I’m sure I speak for everyone at Verbal Violence when I say our hearts go out to everyone involved. The world can be horrifying and regardless of location, race, gender, or religious affiliation, evil is everywhere, but so is love. Every Tuesday night, we meet in the Belly Room to celebrate our differences, our pasts, our personal and public tragedies that make us who we are. We heal through laughter, love, respect, and dick jokes. We roast our friends and colleagues, in the best cases, out of admiration and acceptance, and this week will be no different. Now, let’s say some funny, mean shit.
Tonight’s firing squad will consist of two returning favorites and one new face. Moshe Kasher, of Comedy Central’s Problematic, is no stranger to the Roast Battle VIP section and you may have also seen him judging the Denver regionals on last season of Roast Battle. Kasher is quick on his feet and funny as fuck, so we’re happy to have him back. Joining Moshe will be Comedy Store paid regular and house favorite, Brody Stevens. Stevens is a returning judge as well and always brings a high, positive energy to the judges table and to pretty much everything else. We love him here! New to the judges table tonight is Sydney Castillo. He’s the head writer on 50 Central on BET and Comedy Central’s new show, Hood Adjacent.
Starting off the lineup is the night’s only virgin suicide, Raul Reyes versus King Hassan.
I’ve never seen either of these battlers before so I can’t speak to their comedic ability, but this looks like a fight that started at an Oakland Raiders game and it’ll end here with probably okay jokes.
Next up is newcomer Kelsey Lane versus flat-earther Darrin Chase.
Kelsey is often see with a guitar on stage, but tonight it’s just her, a microphone, and her jokes. It’s her first battle, but Lane has a stage presence and likability that bode well for her in a battle against Chase. In Darrin’s last match, he had a hard time connecting, slurring his words and it didn’t help that he was shoving pizza in his mouth throughout the battle. His advantage here is his experience in the ring. He knows how the show works and has put up some decent fights. Can Kelsey come out of nowhere and knock him out? We’ll find out.
Following that, returning battlers Kal Hamilton and Andrew Ryan Fox will take the stage.
Andrew’s last battle saw him defeat the aforementioned Darrin Chase in truly mediocre fashion. Up until now, Fox has been pretty solid and middle-of-the-road, but can he up his game now that he has more experience under his belt? His opponent, Kal also won his last match in an underwhelming battle that was saved by his last joke. Hopefully, taking the winner of two mediocre matchups will make for a slightly less mediocre fight.
I’m personally very excited for the next battle, Katrina Davis versus Zahra Ali.
If there’s one thing we love in the Belly Room, it’s two bad bitches being bad and bitchy. Katrina and Zahra have both put up stellar fights. Katrina delivers hard hits with a beautiful smile and an energy that’s been able to light up the room and start long dance parties. She is credited with one of the most brilliant answers to the question “Would you let the Wave smash?” She’s impossible not to love and the minute she gains consistency through experience, she’s going to be unstoppable. Her opponent is no slouch herself. Zahra’s taken on several formidable opponents in the recent past and battles pretty consistently. These two have the potential to sweep the room off it’s feet.
Rounding out the undercards in what could easily be a main event, Leah Kayajanian takes on rising star Movses Shakarian.
Something tells me this battle could end up going five jokes anyway. Leah is an old favorite and a staple here at roast battle. The former champion has been taking on battles with roasters who are quickly rising in the rankings. Her most recent win was over Caesar Lizardo who quickly went from one of the most unlikable battlers in the room to a well-respected top ranked opponent. Her next victim is Shakarian, who showed promise the first time he stepped on the roast battle stage and in his last match, he proved he’s ready for the big leagues. This could be the battle of the night and I think it’s safe to expect overtime in this Armenian on Armenian bloodbath.
In the first main event of the evening, beautiful, full-figured Amazon queen, Heather Marulli takes on beautiful, full-figured Amazon queen, Dan Nolan.
Heather is by far one of the most entertaining battlers in the game. With a personality as big as her tits and jokes as lean and mean as… literally nothing else on her body, she’s earned herself the title Unruly Marulli. Her last win over Paige Wesley may have been her best showing yet and if her upswing continues, Dan has his work cut out for him. Nolan hasn’t won a battle in a year now, starting with his loss to yours truly in October 2016. Just throwing that out there. However, don’t let his 9-11 record (lol) fool you. In this past year, Dan has put up some of the best fights seen in the Belly Room (See Kim Congdon v. Dan Nolan). Regardless of his slide in the rankings, he remains one of the best and most feared competitors in the ring with top-notch joke writing and inexplicable charm. He’s still a dumb junkie bitch-ass piece of shit, though.
Closing out the evening will be Joe Eurell and Galina Ravina.
Joe Eurell has become a darling of the Belly Room. His comebacks have been known to render his opponent’s jokes as useless as his own body. Win or lose, Joe consistently gives us memorable battles. Galina has been a little less consistent as of late, but when she’s on, she’s really on. Joe’s in a wheelchair, so all she really has to do to win is put her best foot forward. This could be one for the books.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.