by Keith Carey

It’s Tuesday, which means we’re just a few
hours away from the weekly blood-letting in the Belly Room. Comedy Central’s
Rob Lowe Roast aired last night and featured a huge presence from some familiar
Battle faces. From fearless leader Brian Moses conducting the red carpet
interviews, to the Wave bringing Mr. Lowe to the dais, to the fact that many of
your favorite battlers got jokes on the show, our little fight club really
did have a seat at the grown-ups table last night, and you can expect that to
amplify the energy in the room tonight. Let’s get to know who we’re working with this evening.

Sarah Tiana returns to the judge’s table! Sarah’s a veteran
roast writer with a keen eye for joke structure, and she’ll be as funny as she
is probably drunk. Kirk Fox, another Belly Room favorite, has a sharp wit and
genius brain belied by the fact that he looks like the sound guy on every gay
porn shoot. And Michael Kosta will also be stopping by to preside over the
battles. Michael was the host of TV’s “The Comment Section”, “Crowd Goes Wild”, and
many other one-season wonders!

Our first undercard of the night pits Jose Trevizo against
Daniel “Caustic” Stefani!

Jose looks like every Mexican neighbor I have ever had. Caustic
is a battle rapper, one of two fighting tonight. After Corey Charron’s decent
debut against Jamar Neighbors, we knew the invasion might be imminent. I will
say that if the battle rap community spends half the time writing jokes that
they do making fake flyers and incorrectly telling people they’ve been on
Comedy Central, we’re in for a heck of a fight.

Next up, Kabir Singh throws hands with Daniel “Dirtbag Dan”
Martinez!

This should be an interesting one. Dirtbag Dan is the second
battle rapper on tonight’s fight card, and reportedly is a force to be reckoned
with. Kabir is untested in the Roast Battle arena, but is a solid, high energy
comic that could bring serious heat to this battle. These are two unproven – but
potentially explosive – elements set to collide, and I’m hoping for a serious
kaboom.

Undercard #3 features returning battlers Brandon Jeddi and
Izzy Salhani! 

This looks less like a roast battle and more like lesbian
divorce court. Brandon and Izzy are both undercard veterans who are looking for
a big pop to get to the next level. Both have had a mixed bag of a career, but
Brandon’s joke-writing has improved considerably with each fight, and after her
last battle became a massacre, Izzy is most likely hungry for redemption, so
expect some fireworks in this one.

Next up, Adi Gordon and David Neiker try their best!

I’m a big believer that if you don’t have something nice to
say, don’t say anything at all. Unfortunately, my editor isn’t, so here we go.
Adi and David are two of the worst battlers in the show’s history. The guy who
murdered someone on the patio last year got more laughs. The fact that they continue
to battle baffles me. Yet, in a strange way, I kind of admire it. It takes courage to attempt something you know you can do, but it takes a
bucket of heroism to run headlong at something you’re aggressively terrible at.
I’m busting balls because I love these guys, and nothing would make me happier
than to be proved wrong. Give ‘em hell, you beautiful idiots.

Our final undercard is Adam Barnhardt versus Jeff Husbands!

Christ, what an unpleasant looking pair of humans. Adam has
the face of a Guy Fawkes mask and the hat of everybody who’s ever bought a Guy
Fawkes mask. Jeff looks like David Lynch fucked Wayne Newton. I’m sure this
will be a decent battle, given that the two are close friends and run several shows around town together – including “Candy” every Sunday in the Belly Room – but just make sure you watch this fight in the reflection of the
mirrored wall so you don’t turn to stone. My eyes need a shower.

Our main event features heavyweight Doug Fager battling
heavy person Tony Bartolone!

This is a battle a long time in the making. These are two
very strong fighters with very different styles and careers. Doug was a
promising battler until a nasty loss to Jay Light sent him into
semi-retirement. Since then he’s appeared sporadically, but still consistently
whips out the strongest, strangest jokes the show has ever seen. Tony Bartolone – whose last name sounds like a pasta he ate too much of – became an overnight
sensation in the Battle community after his crushing victory over Quentin
Moscaritolo. With his strange sense of pageantry, subverted expectations, and
the jokes to back it up, Tony brought an alternative sensibility to the fight,
and it remains to be seen if he can push the limits of the format against Doug,
who is by a mile the strongest battler he has yet to face. Make sure you don’t
miss this one, everybody, because it’s got potential to be an all-time classic.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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