Hey guys! Sorry for the late report! A bit of a “holi-delay”. “Thanks” for “giving” me some extra time. It should be “gravy” from here. You’re all like my trypto-”family”. Ok, I’m done with those for now but ill have another helping later. Geez, what am I thankful for. Thankful for the battles. Thankful for Meyrowitz saving my seat all the time. Thankful for Cassie Dang, who stepped in beautifully in the photographer department! Happy Tgiv to all! I’m thankful for this tournament and all the battlers that took part Let’s check in on the bracket…
Ooh fancy! I’m bringing back tourney bracket! And since the first round was Upset City…I’m bringing back the contest! Send me the tourney bracket, filled out March Madness style, before the next tournament match and anyone with a perfect bracket can win a spot on a future Hella Show! Not the one this coming Friday, December 4th at 10pm in the Belly Room, but one in 2k16. I’ll be filling one out as well! I can message you think link to this image if you want to print it out! Good luck to all!
In the first undercard, Zane Pond (1-1, 103) fell to Jake Sachs (1-0, 113)!
“Zane looks like Zach Morris from “Saved by the Bell ate the rest of the kids.” – Keith Carey (5-2, 6 / 1-0, RBR)
It’s never a good sign when a Hater table joke is the best of the round. Zane bombed some pre-jokes and we were off!
ZANE ON JAKE
“Jake says he’d suck a dick for five grand. That’s how much he has to pay a woman to sleep w him.”
“Jake hates Muslims and abortions because his mom tried put a towel around his head and pull him out of the womb.”
?! Zane failed to ride the wave of his first win. These jokes look ok on paper but after each one, the crowd was left waiting for a punch that never came. Jake didn’t exactly set the room on fire either. He was one good Down’s Syndrome away from this battle ending in a draw.
JAKE ON ZANE
“I didn’t know Chris Farley and Lisa Lampanelli had a kid with Down’s Syndrome.”
“Zane’s really talented; he plays the piano. Which is convenient since he’s gonna have to be buried in one.”
Sorry guys. / ? ? ?!
In the second undercard, Rena Hundert (2-0, 52) made quick work of Johanna Petree (0-1, 137)!
I was wrong when I thought Rena hadn’t battled before. Let me remind everyone that if you spot a mistake, please let me know and I will politely ignore it. Thanks! Fun battle. Both ladies talked a big game, saying no one else would accept their challenge. Both ladies backed it up with great jokes!
RENA ON JOHANNA
“Johanna looks like the girl in the porn you feel bad for.”
“Johanna looks like the kind of girl that would lie about getting raped.”
At least she gets dick! No seriously, that was Johanna’s comeback to that joke. Problem is, it hit harder than her actual joke attempt. Johanna didn’t bomb but that’s not enough to get a win.
JOHANNA ON RENA
“Rena’s Jewish but her pussy’s like the Gaza Strip. Nothing goes in our out except through a foul-smelling tunnel.”
“At least Rena looks like a famous comedian; Gary Shandling.”
Rena moved to a spirited 2-0!
? ? / ? ? ?!
In the third undercard, Tony Bartolone (2-0, 48)) had his way with Mark Alexadndr (0-1, 133)!
This is cute. I wasn’t able to find a good pic of this one but here was Mark’s failed attempt a pre-battle heat. Love the idea, hate the execution. He had enough stage presence but the crowd showed no mercy when judging his jokes.
MARK ON TONY
“Tony, you’re fat. You can’t dance, you can’t act and you can’t sing. You’ re known in Hollywood as a triple bypass.”
“Tony’s such a poor, unfunny hack: he pays for his jokes with EBT.”
Second joke is decent! Mark showed a little fight but Tony had this crazy strategy of landing jokes. And I think that won it for him in the end.
TONY ON MARK
“Mark once told me it’s hard to have sex with a disable person. Yeah, when you’re gay as fuck.”
“Before Mark came out of the closet, he dated a a girl in a wheel chair, which was weird. I’ve never heard of anyone learning to be gay with training wheels.”
#thisisnteasy ? / ? ? ?.
In the first tournament undercard, Hormoz Rashidi (1-0, RBR) won one for the door guys against Jay Light (1-0, RBR)!
That’s right. After the night ended, Hormoz would be the last Comedy Store employee standing in this great tournament. And he won it legit fashion. Jay had a strong battle but may have still been weary from his loss against Kim Congdon (6-0, 3).
JAY ON HORMOZ
“You may recognize Hormoz from ISIS training videos as the guy falling off the monkey bars.”
“Hormoz has a bad back from carrying the dead weight of his failing career.”
“Hormoz is a nice old man who wears a lot of sweaters. You’re like Mr. Ralalalalalalalalogers.”
That last one could have hit more had Jay practiced his “insurgent yell” a little more. Hormoz, on the other hand, started off with strong with some pre-battle word play that pleased the crowd and set a tone for the battle. A tone of Hormoz having better jokes.
HORMOZ ON JAY
“Jay once dated a girl who was bi which means she was into both men and Jay.”
“Jay Light was in a frat where he ate a muffin covered in cum. He was also hazed.”
“Jay looks like a catfish that catfishes catfish.”
This was a classic case of door guy on door guy crime. The judges voted Hormoz unanimously and he moves on in the tourney to face Pat Barker and proved all the haterz wrong in the process.
? ? / ? ? ?!
In the second tourney match, Frank Castillo (0-1, RBR) was eliminated by Leah Kayajanian (1-0, RBR)!
“The one with the flowers says’I’m gay’ but the cowboy one says ‘I’m really gay.’” – Moshe Kasher on Frank’s fashion choices.
This was a great battle. Both battlers came to roast and it was even until the last joke of the round, which Frank bombed. Joke order is a crucial component of the Roast Battle process and Frank is left wondering if one of these jokes should have been the final one.
FRANK ON LEAH
“Leah’s nose is so big. When she crowd surfs, it’s parasailing.”
“Stay away from Leah’s nose. ISIS said they’d bomb the biggest bridge in the U.S.”
“Leah’s arms are so hairy that if we shaved them, I would have two new toupees.”
Loved the “nose” joke. Loved that Frank stayed away from slut-shaming or Armenian jokes. Loved Leah’s jokes way more. So did the judges and Leah would move on to the next round to face Keith Carey.
LEAH ON FRANK
“Frank’s parents are mechanics. They own the “Our Son Has a Disgusting Body” shop.”
“If Frank were an animal, he’d be an owl going through chemo.”
“Frank has a girlfriend or as I like to call her “the hero that fucks him so he doesn’t shoot up a school.”
Fantastic stuff! ? ? ? / ? ? ?!
In the final tournament match, Joe Dosch (1-0, RBR) outlasted Rich Slaton (0-1, RBR)!
“I love this battle. It looks like Charlie Sheen’s coke guy versus Charlie Sheen’s AIDS guy.” – Keith Carey, knocking another one out of the park.
Look out for Keith Carey, everyone. This was a great end to the first round. There were no pre-jokes. Only a mutual respect between friends and roasters that pleased both the judges and crowd alike. It’s a shame one had to lose but thanks to great jokes, the bottom came out on top.
JOE ON RICH
“Rich, you look like the guy they tested the first cargo shorts on.”
“Rich’s act must be Orthodox because it sucks baby dicks.”
“Look at you, Rich. You look like you designed Smashmouth’s first web site.”
So good. Rich may have won against any other person in the tournament. He was able to extend it to a second joke-off but ran out of steam.
RICH ON JOE
“Joey finally found a boyfriend. Which proves even gay guys like cunts.”
“Joe doesn’t have any tattoos because it’s hard to find a tattoo artist who will draw a rainbow swastika.”
“Every time I see Joe, he’s younger and gayer. He’s like the curious case of Benjamin Bottom.”
A second ? ? ? / ? ? ? in row. Good luck against Pete C (1-0, RBR), Joe!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“If Frank were an animal, he’d be an owl going through chemo.” – Leah on Frank
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Look at you, Rich. You look like you designed Smashmouth’s first web site.” – Joe on Rich
See you next week!
I am 73-44 in picks and my new tourney bracket is intact! Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.