Tuesday started off the night the way most typical nights of Roast Battle begin… with Boon Shaka Laka in drag doing a rendition of “Proud Mary”. Jeff Ross comes onstage during the performance and aids in background vocals.

Jeff Ross introduces Josh as they use both mics to introduce host Brian Moses in unison. Moses greets his panel of judges now: Bruce Jingles, Jeff Ross, Nicole Becannon, and Connor McSpadden, who is sporting bleached blonde hair. He mentions he’s been in the mental hospital and then makes fun of himself by saying, “Dear Slim, I wrote you but you still ain’t calling”. Moses has some fun and calls Connor Machine Gun Kelly, then introduces the Saudi Prince, who’s in the house, mother bitches. Moses references the recent missile attack:

“We almost had a whole war.” – Moses

“It’s getting sketchy in my neighborhood. Now I know how you feel.” – Saudi Prince

Our beloved host knows he has a night of six battles ahead of him and decides to go ahead and bring up the first battle for the night. Steve Lardner is called up first, and Moses mentions his previous win against Galyn Nash, before bringing up Roast Battle virgin Alex Farivar. When asked why they are battling each other, the two show they’ve come prepared:

“[Steve]’s Irish, so he should be used to getting beat by a drunk.”

“I’m trying to get my citizenship so I figured publicly shitting on an Iranian might help my case.”

There you have it! Alex volunteers to go first, and so starts the first battle of the Belly.

“Steve is a closeted homosexual. His Pornhub search is the same as his Netflix search: Irishman.”

“Thank you, Maz Jo-Scrawny. Alex likes to say he’s Persian, not Iranian, to let people know: he’s not a terrorist, he’s a chain-wearing rapist.”

“Good one, Shooter McFaggot. Steve was such an ugly altar boy, he couldn’t even get touched by the Holy Spirit.”

“In his twenties, Alex almost OD’d on heroin. He could have ended in the famous 27 Club but he was saved by having no talent whatsoever.”

“At least I look like someone that shoots up heroin and not schools. Am I right? Steve recently pissed himself drunk in his bed. His girlfriend wasn’t even mad. It was the first time he has gotten her wet.”

“That joke hit about as well as your country’s missiles last week. Alex has two sisters back in Iran. One is a devout Muslim and the other is a lesbian. It’s a shame they’ve grown apart but at least they’ll both die wearing strap-ons.”

The judges unanimously give it to Steve, but the audience is undecided, and are eagerly yelling for one more joke. After some indecision between the judges and Brian Moses, Connor asks them if they have another joke. Steve says that he does have a good joke, and Alex said his overtime joke would be so-so. With this, the audience twists their arm to let them do one more joke. Steve is up first.

“Alex first learned about Iranian missile attacks from his uncle, who regularly fucked him in the ass.”

“That was your good one?” – Saudi Prince

“Steve looks like the kind of Irishman who would call his roofies ‘me Lucky Charms.’”

There you go. Steve was so confident he had a good one, for one that pretty much fell flat. On the other hand, Alex was not so sure, but his joke went over great with the audience. With an overtime joke during his first battle, Alex has earned his first Roast Battle win.

Paulina Combow gracefully walks up to the stage looking sophisticated in her winter attire, although she speaks like she’s doing a Sarah Tiana impression. Moses brings her opponent up next by saying, “hey, this is everyone’s favorite steak sauce. Make it loud for Awon.” They explain that the last guy that beat both of them advised them that they should battle. Awon volunteers Paulina to go first:

“Ladies [first], you’re a lady, right?”

She obliges. 

“Awon can’t get pussy so he grew one on his face. When you burp, baby, it’s a queef.”

“Aw, Trailer Swift, that’s so cute. Paulina’s last name is Combow. Mainly because God prefers her as a side.”

“At least my eyebrows aren’t thicker than my biceps. Bless your heart. He tries to be a comedian, but his jokes are so weak and undeveloped that even Michael Jackson wouldn’t touch him.”

“With forearms like that, you could milk a potato.”

“I don’t even know where you’re from, I just hope it’s somewhere really Jafar away.” 

“It looks like where you’re from, you’re probably the one that put me in power. You ever look in the mirror and think, ‘damn, this is what Hitler wanted?’”

“Thank you Glendale’s Most Wanted. I’m sorry, his jokes are so bad the last time he got a real laugh was when a girl looked at his dick.”

“I know I should do better because you’re so committed to comedy, you can tell by how dirty your knees are. But Paulina is from Kentucky, which is a coincidence because her cunt yucky.”

It was a pretty flat battle for the most part, but it goes to the judges for deliberation.

“I liked cunt yucky and Jafar away, and that’s pretty much all I liked.” – Connor McSpadden

“You should have saved Trailer Swift for the end, the rest of it was shit.”- Bruce Jingles

Despite it being an underwhelming battle, Paulina Combow got more love from the audience vote, and leaves with her first Roast Battle win.

Sam Brilhart comes to the stage next, looking like he’s about to sit in the bleachers at a youth soccer game, but isn’t actually anybody’s dad. Sarah energetically runs up to Moses and shakes his hand.

“Alright, this isn’t the Price is Right. You’re so enthusiastic. So, who called who out in this situation?” – Moses

“I’m pretty sure I called Sarah out. I just wanted to do my part, get in on the war effort, and take down an Iranian.” – Sam

“His foundation looks great, but your skin is still as white as the coke your mom snorted when she was pregnant with you.” – Sarah

Sarah is wearing a skin tight pink blouse and black sweatpants, which make her look like a cheerleader at a sleepover.

“I love your fashion style, which can only be described as thermal underwear.” – Jeff Ross

Sam volunteers to go first and they’re off.

“Sarah looks like a hairball in a shower drain at a Motel 6.”

“That’s hilarious coming from someone who looks like Marc Maron if he was on How To Catch A Predator.

“Thanks, I’ll take them all home.”

“Sam is an aspiring actor, but the only trailer he’ll ever be in is the one he’ll be living in down by the LA River.”

“Does anybody have a trailer here down by the LA River? I’ll go home with you, I’m cheap.”

A little oopsie interrupts the flow of this battle now. It looks like Moses and Chantmaster Joshua Meyrowitz are whispering to each other and may have lost track of which joke they were on. 

“Last joke!” – Moses

“I only did one joke.” – Sam 

Moses now puts his hands up at Josh like he was the one that told him they were on their last joke. 

“I thought they were on the last round!” – Josh Meyrowitz

“You can go ahead and do a first joke.” – Saudi Prince

“This is a great rehearsal, you guys. Man, I wish Moses was here.” – Jeff Ross

“Sarah is too wide to be a plus-sized model. But, she’ll have a great career in the live action Trolls movie. Doesn’t she look like a Lord of The Rings Furby? She’s our generation’s Willow.”

“Thank you, My Name is Early Ejaculation. Sam used to be a bartender and says that being around so much alcohol turned him into an alcoholic. So then, how come being around so many comics still hasn’t made you funny?”

“Thank you, No Sex in The City. Every guy she’s been with has said Sarah is out of this world… because her face is covered in craters.”

“Thank you, Meth Maron. Sam, you’re a white burnout from the Midwest. You’re like the heroin epidemic except nobody wants to pay 3 bucks to see you.”

That concludes this battle. Saudi Prince begins to weigh in before the judges.

“Is she one of mine? How did you get out of your cage?” – Saudi Prince

“Are you reading off your phone?” – Sarah Fatemi

“No, I’m checking for terror alerts, bitch.” – Saudi

“Hey, don’t shame him for writing jokes. You should have done that six hours ago.” – Connor McSpadden

“In her defense, we don’t let them read or write.” – Saudi

There is an uncomfortable energy, which is undoubtedly fueled by how awkward Sam and Sarah are as people. However, the judges give it to Sarah Fatemi, and the audience agrees. Sarah wins! The two opponents hug and exit the stage.

Brian Moses brings up Fielding Edlow next using male pronouns. So, she says, “I’m a woman!” which is something I definitely would not admit up front. Let your opponent bring up the undesirable things about you, you know? Lou Misiano comes up next wearing sunglasses and a yellow scarf that looks like Burberry just spit it out of its butt. Per Lou’s tradition, he kisses the hands of the ladies in the front row, and does his “mirror check” and straightening of his tie in the periscope. This is a character the judges want to have some fun with.

“Saudi Prince, you should take Lou out on one of your yachts.” – Jeff Ross

“Yeah, we’re working on a sequel to Fyre Fest.” – Saudi Prince

Brian Moses asks Fielding why she is battling Ray Charles if he had no talent:

“I personally have always wanted to battle an even gayer David Blaine.”

“Well, Fielding is a lovely lady and there were no women nominated for Director Oscars this year so I figured, ‘Fuck it, let’s kick them when they’re down.’”

This gets a big laugh. Moses proceeds by asking them who is going first.

“Those streaks in her hair aren’t going to make her any younger, so I’ll go first.”

Lou begins.

“Fielding Edlow has the name of a Harry Potter character and the face of someone who has masturbated to a Harry Potter character.”

“OK, White R. Kelly. Lou looks like a chlamydia-infested Balki fucked an extra on Stranger Things and then birthed the most faggotized host of a bringer show in Bakersfield.”

“Fielding, that was good, but unlike your marriage, I’m not going to fail.”

“I hope it does.”

“Fielding lost her virginity to a lacrosse player, which is the most disgusting thing a lacrosse player has ever done with a woman.”

“The most traumatic experience I’ve ever had was watching Lou do crowd work at an open mic, and I’ve been in Theta Chi gang bang.”

“Fielding has been a comic for years. And being a funny woman is like being a smart feminist. They don’t exist.”

“In two weeks, Lou’s liver is going to fall out of his ass and he’s going to try to fuck it and upload it to TikTok.”

“My liver doesn’t work just like your actor husband.”

“He just did Meryl Streep, suck my dick.”

“Fielding, I thought you wrote some really great poems. But unfortunately, this is Roast Battle so I’m going to give it to Lou… and I mean this sincerely, fucking retarded what you did up there.” – Connor McSpadden

“Was your comeback that your husband fucked Meryl Streep? Why do you look like Polly Pocket on meth, though?” – Nicole Becannon

“Can we wrap this up? I have coke to do.” – Lou Misiano

Lou Misiano takes a win from the audience without a doubt.

Next up, Brian Moses introduces Rebecca Rush and Anthony Davis as the next opponents. They stand side by side as Anthony goes in:

“She’s got a nice face. I’m going to make sure it gets hurt in the ring. That’s it.”

“Nobody has seen her face yet. I’ve never seen a black see-through shirt before. That’s amazing. Becky with the good tits.” – Saudi Prince

The battle pretty much starts right away with Rebecca going first.

“Anthony looks like Michael Moore if he was only liberal with his use of butter.”

“Haha, I do love butter. Rebecca, you look like seasonal depression barbie.” 

“Thank you, Paul Funyun.”

“I do like Funyuns.”

“Anthony has OCD, so when he caught his girlfriend blowing his best friend, he had to shut the door seven times on the way out. It’s really sad, he was on his way to propose, but I guess they both planned on getting on their knees that day.”

“She did. She got on her knees, and I got an Xbox so, fuck her. Rebecca, you’re the daughter your father never wanted and the daughter your stepfather never wanted to touch.”

“Anthony looks like Roast Battle champ Mike Lawrence if he only roasted pork bellies.”

“Rebecca just had to do the twelve steps for sobriety after throwing herself down those stairs for the abortion she needed.”

What a great back and forth battle. Both competitors came in with great jokes and off the cuff rebuttals. The judges weigh in.

“Rebecca, I thought you were great, even though everyone can see your bad tits.”- Connor McSpadden

This starts a “bad tits” chant and every judge going crazy to chime in with their two cents about her tits.

“The tits are great, they’re just not young.” – Saudi Prince

“Anyone who thinks those are bad tits belongs in a mental hospital. I was talking about Anthony’s by the way.” – Jeff Ross

The judges and the audience give Rebecca and her great tits the win.

That’s it! After five other battles, we’ve finally made it to the final and only main event of the evening between April Lotshaw and Albert Escobedo. Moses introduces both battlers and asks them why they are battling. 

“Albert? He’s hella accomplished, he’s a veterinarian, he’s a teacher, and he’s mad funny, so I thought it would be fun.”

“I just wanted to battle a lady and my wife doesn’t like me talking to attractive women, so, April.”

Albert gets a laugh here, but April gets audible “aww”s. One could argue she also gets the crowd’s favor in this moment. Either way, Albert volunteers to first.

“Give it up for Acne Schumer over here. She got a tattoo of the solar system on her back to match the craters on her face.”

“Albert fucked a tranny, and for one night, they were both inside the wrong body.”

“The only difference between you and that lady boy is she actually looks like a girl. I went to April’s apartment and she asked me if I wanted to adopt her cat, but nobody wants April’s neglected pussy.” 

“Albert’s the least sexy Mexican. They should call your wife’s pussy El Chapo.”

“You’re talking about the way that I look. You look like guys ask you to put your shirt back on before sex. April looks like Justin Bieber if he thought everything was yummy.”

“Most serial killers move on from murdering small animals, but Albert made it a career. Veterinarian.”

“Yeah, I got it. Good job. What’s your job besides confusing people on what pronouns to use?”

 “April’s first DUI was actually a blessing in disguise because meeting that officer at the courthouse was the only time she’s had a second date.”

“I forgot my joke. Albert was a vet in Korea, and he always brought home leftovers.”

“April also has a tattoo of Charlotte’s Web on her neck, because she always wanted to be a famous pig.”

“From going up Mexican to going down on a tranny, Albert loves having butchered meat in his mouth.”

It is a main event, so it’s up to the judges who will win on this \one.

“[April,] you’ve got, like, a FUPA: a fat upper Prozac area.” – Connor McSpadden

Connor and Nicole both give it to April, with Nicole calling attention to when April forgot her joke and still came out with a zinger. Bruce Jingles has left the building, and Jeff Ross decides to give it to the large man in the front row. That’s enough for a decisive victory! April Lotshaw goes home a winner, but unfortunately home is still Orange County, so how much of a winner can she be?

We’ll see you next week!

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