It’s about time everyone got to know Roast Battle’s hottest new star, the Saudi Prince. I was able to get in a Facebook chat with him as he was in between weddings and beheadings.
JW: How did you hear about Roast Battle?
SP: I hear about the Jew store from my driver. He say there is a show where I feel at home. A safe vestige of racism here in the heart of the city. It is my type of speakeasy.
JW: Oh nice. The word is getting out. Do you have anything similar to this show in your country?
SP: Yes. My whole country is like that room. Except we are not joking. We laugh. But in a bad way.
JW: I’m glad roasting is a worldwide practice. How did your family attain it’s riches and royal status?
SP: Yes. We roast the homosexuals and women too. Sometimes we stone them or behead them as well. It’s fun. Much like your “Beverly Hillbillies”, we also have black gold. We also control American and European politics and dabble in drug trafficking. But shhhhh…That’s just a secret.
JW: Sounds great. Thank you for your time, prince. Last question; what’s next for you?
SP: I have to get get back to the Beverly Hills mansion to put some water in the sex slaves’ dishes. Then I don’t know. Maybe raise gas prices? Who knows? The day is young. (insurgent war cry)
I wanted to dig deeper but as I started asking personal questions, two white BMWs arrived outside of my house, the driver’s of which I could smell all the way from the street. I thought it best to cut the interview short. Ok, one more Troy Conrad beauty and we’re out.
It’s all just one big party amongst friends here.
In the first undercard, Quentin Moscaritolo outmatched Kyle Gridley!
Great start to the night. These two had very funny and mean jokes. Both battlers had intros that would help set up their roast jokes, a veteran roaster’s strategy. I did not believe Kyle would stand a chance. His constant cuddling of the microphone after each punchline was unsettling but the jokes themselves didn’t bomb.
KYLE ON QUENTIN
“Quentin is tall but bad at basketball. The only rim he’s ever touched is when he makes his dad cum.”
“Quentin’s best friend is now dating his ex-girlfriend. Here’s a tip. Wanna be Quentin’s best friend? Just fuck his girlfriend.”
“Quentin has a tattoo of his dead friend on his back. That dead friend’s name is ‘comedy career’.”
These are great jokes that are mean and personal to Quentin. Battles are always better when they’re buddies and it seemed like these two were good friends. It was another case of one battler being good but another being better.
QUENTIN ON KYLE
“Kyle’s mom recently went to Tijuana to put down their dog. Which is weird because her last medical procedure down there clearly didn’t go well.”
“’No means no’ is something Kyle hears both in the bedroom and at the buffet.”
“We all wish Kyle would treat comedy the way Kyle’s dad treated him and just give up and leave.”
The “no means no” joke is a JOTN nominee but it’s packed field tonight so we’ll see. Especially with the Prince dropping gems like this after the “dead dad” joke.
“Nothing funny about someone who tries to kill themselves and not take anyone with them.”
I’m feelin’ generous. ? ? ?/? ? ?! But it’s owed a little bit to the Prince.
In the second undercard, Alfred Konuwa notched an easy debut win against Ellice Lin!
“That’s my fetish yo!” – Josh Meyrowitz
“Any fuckin’ pussy is his fetish.” – Earl Skakel (2-1, 25)
“Hey, Linsanity, how are you? – Moses
“Hey, I need to pick up my shirts on Wednesday instead of Thursday.” – Al Madrigal, to Ellice
“Is Alex Duong battling twice?” – me (2-2, 32)
I don’t think any other rookie battler has sparked so much pre-battle heat. SHe probably said five words in between all of that. Her jokes had the right spirit of the roast but just way too much setup.
ELLICE ON ALFRED
“Alfred challenged me to this roast battle; you’d think he’d pick on someone his own size. Obviously, he fantasizes about beating on Asian women because he has a small dick.”
“Alfred writes about pro wrestling for Forbes magazine and he does taxes on the side. You can’t get any more white than that. He’s a black guy who doesn’t even have AIDS, who does he think he is?”
“The last time Alfred was seen with a black woman, he was coming out of one!”
Ellice probably had the joke of the round with that last one. Alfred’s delivery was hilarious. You’d think he was trying to intimidate an asshole bouncer who wronged him in high school, not roast a petite Asian woman.
ALFRED ON ELLICE
“Ellice likes her sex the way she likes her dinner; doggy style.”
“If Ellice ever brought me home to parents, they’d be disappointed in me.”
“You’re an awkward Asian woman who’s not funny. I feel like I’m battling Steve Byrne.”
Whoa! Two weeks in a row a debut battler has taken a shot at a judge! Kids these days! Roast-spect your elders!
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In the third undercard, two streaks continued as Mike Schmidt won and Eric Carter lost!
“This reminds me of George Bush versus Al Gore with an extra chromosome on both sides.” – Saudi Prince
This really was a hot night. A bunch of friends talking shit to each other with a microphone. Eric continued his trend of improving with each battle but had one bomb mixed in with some bangers.
ERIC ON MIKE
“As a lawyer, Mike has fucked more black people than Jim Crow.”
“Mike has been happily married for seven years. And his wife has been dead for five.”
“Mike Schmidt looks like an Atheist Ned Flanders.”
The “Flanders” joke got the room moving. Mike’s first two jokes set the room on fire and probably won the round for him before we got to a third joke.
MIKE ON ERIC
“Eric’s father didn’t give him the sex talk until he was twelve. It went, ‘yeah, you like that, don’t you’.”
“How are Eric’s last seven sets like his mother’s pussy? He ate it.”
“Eric Carter, you are so stupid, you called a rape counselor to find out what bushes to hide in.”
The last one probably deserved a little more than the crowd gave it but it didn’t matter. Mike had the win sealed already.
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Oh man. In a train wreck of a battle, nobody won and the crowd lost after Jono Zalay’s and Zach Sherwin’s battle!
Hopefully this remains the only nominee for Worst of the Year. I chose this picture because the Wave deserves credit. Without them, this would have been seven minutes and thirty-nine seconds of silence with maybe one punchline. Between both battlers. I have been dreading listening to this. Fortunately, I had some LA Speed weed candies delivered and I still had a great time. #plugcity #signuptoday
JONO ON ZACH
“Zach raps about not having street cred, which is true. If you see tear drops on his face, it’s because he’s a soft bitch.”
This was the first in a series of jokes, demonstrating Jono had no idea how the show worked. Zach was no better. He was like a hybrid of Adam Ray and Amir Blumenfield and removed all traces of humor.
ZACH ON JONO
Jono has a PHD in neuroscience, that’s true, and part of the work in his studies used to involve administering cocaine to rats, also true. The conclusions of those studies? The only more compulsive, desperate and animalistic than those rats on cocaine is Jono on Tinder.
Omg terrible. He might still be up there setting up jokes. If you have time to use the word “administering” in your set up, you’ve got no time left for a punchline. That joke got a few laughs. Maybe it could have been a few more if removed twenty-two words. I almost vommed listening to it again but I had an LA Speedweed joint to help with the nausea.
New scale! ? ? ? / ? ? ?! Record-setting performance on the Poo Scale guys! #thisisnteasy #thisisaroastreport
In the night’s only tourney action, Leah Kayajanian (2-0, RBR) upset Keith Carey (1-1, RBR)!
Great picture of Leah here. Shout out to Troy for always capturing the best moments. Even as madness erupts around here and Jamar does gymn-ass-tics, Leah remains as cool, calm and collected as ever. It stuns me the she’s lost twice outside of tourney play.
LEAH ON KEITH
“Judging by your gut, you are something before you came. And judging by your teeth, it was a bag of rocks.”
“Why do I feel like if I hug you, poop will come out of your mouth?”
“Keith, the saying is ‘break a leg’. Not ‘lose one to diabetes’.”
“You look like a Macy’s Day Parade float of Jon Favreau.”
KA-BLAM. Keith is one of the best we have and Leah won with relative ease. Keith’s jokes were fantastically funny and mean. You know you had an all-timer when the crowd chants “THIS IS AWESOME” right after the bell sounds.
KEITH ON LEAH
“Leah’s nose is so hooked that after she loses they can use it to drag her off stage.”
“Leah Kayajanian pays respects her dead relatives by having a pussy that smells like a thousand corpses.”
“Leah has a bit about shitting her pants. Or as Armenians call it, bathing.”
“Leah has resting bitch face but you’d be mad too if every time you wanted to masturbate, you had to put your arm hair in a ponytail.”
Thank Moses for switching it up and putting this as the penultimate battle. We needed something, anything to cleanse the palate of the previous battle.
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In the Main Event, we went all three rounds with Alex Duong claiming a win over Brendan Cooney!
Congrats to Alex! He’s the first person to wear two collars in public and still come out as a winner of the night! This was a great Main Event. Nearly every joke hit and the vibe was hot throughout all three rounds. Both battlers seemed to have their roasting style down and it showed. Brendan has a hot first round but had a major bomb in the third round that lost the crowd and the battle for him.
BRENDAN ON ALEX
“Alex is proof that not all Asians look alike. Some of them are ugly as fuck.”
“My girlfriend’s a hot stripper. I don’t know what his long-distance girlfriend does except live in Texas and not fuck him.”
“Even I can admit that was a good joke. Alex likes to think outside the box. Specifically, the one his family was shipped here in.”
“Alex lives in a dump in Loz Feliz with four other terrible comedians. It’s kind of like a homeless shelter but more sad.”
“Alex’s last name is Duong, which is Vietnamese for ‘ant penis’.”
“His jokes in the first round were poorer quality than the DVDs his dad tried to sell me in the parking lot.”
This battle could have gone either way. Alex, intentionally or not, had his best jokes come in the second two rounds. That and Brendan’s one bomb won the round for Alex.
ALEX ON BRENDAN
“Brendan looks like he’s got good credit and shoots anyone with street credit.”
“You look like a low resolution Bill Burr.”
“You can catch Brendan on tour this spring called ‘Amber Alert’.”
“You white fuck, I bet if they put your sperm under a microscope, they’re all choking an unarmed black man.”
“Merry Christmas, Asshole. You look like an unbaked gingerbread man.”
“You’re what happens when a fat orangutan falls into a bathtub of Nair.”
Big win Alex! Duong’s actual translation is “hot, light, male”! Niiiiiice!
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WRITER’S JOKE(S) OF THE NIGHT
“’No means no’ is something Kyle hears both in the bedroom and at the buffet.” – Oscar Mosmndhbhg on Kyle Gridley
“Leah has resting bitch face but you’d be mad too if every time you wanted to masturbate, you had to put your arm hair in a ponytail.” – Keith Carey on Leah Kayajanian
“Eric’s father didn’t give him the sex talk until he was twelve. It went, ‘yeah, you like that, don’t you’.” – Mike Schmidt on Eric Carter
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Why do I feel like if I hug you, poop will come out of your mouth?” – Leah on Keith
I am 77-47 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.