Tuesday night featured about nineteen stand-ups before the four battles commenced, however, the room was still full of energy and ready for verbal carnage.
Dylan Sullivan has never batted before but seems comfortable on the Belly Room stage. He matches Malcolm Hatchett’s confidence who has battled once before and often performs stand up with pure charisma and likability. This battle is strong all the way through starting with Dylan’s quick and simple joke.
“Malcolm looks like he celebrates his birthday at 7/11.”
“Dylan’s fat and gay. That’s selfish, pick one…”
Already Malcolm’s set up hits and the audience is ready for more.
“Dylan didn’t come out of the closet, he came straight out the pantry.”
Malcolm acts out a gay saunter out of the pantry.
“Thanks, Malcom X-tremely poor. Malcolm’s so poor, his version of fast food is driving through a soup kitchen.”
“Dylan’s lazy. The only time he works out is when he does Stand up comedy. As you can see, he is not committed.”
“Thanks, Malcolm in the Lower Middle. Malcolm’s fathered when he was five years old, which is I’ve years longer than anyone expected him to stay.”
“When Dylan gets in my car, the check engine line comes on. Dylan lives in a two-story house. He tried to hang himself from the ceiling and it became a one-story.”
This was a fantastic way to kick off the night. Malcolm’s energy and delivery electrified the room, but in the end, it was Dylan’s stellar writing that earned him his first Roast Battle win. I hope we see more of him in the future. Roast Battle could always use more fat and more gay.
Spence Griffeth walks on stage and is immediately confronted about both his man purse and his face. Ashley Johnson is brought up and is surprisingly hit on by both female judges, however, I guess anyone would look handsome and nonthreatening next two Spence. Ashley takes the bullet and uses Spence’s vibe against him.
“Spence is so creepy, his Tinder profile lists his turn-offs as puberty.”
“It’s hard to make fun of you. You’re a beautiful man. He’s lost a lot of weight this year. He doesn’t look like a raindrop with legs anymore. He looks like a stack of mismatched pancakes.”
“That joke was not good. It’s hard to make fun of sense because he looks like he’s one overdose away from haunting a public library.”
“He’s not just funny, he’s also an accomplished musician. He plays jug in the chuck e cheese band.”
“That was your joke? Spence hosts a show at the VFW because he’s only comfortable when he’s not the only person who’s murdered children in his life.”
Ashley’s birth weight was eleven pounds but before you feel bad for his mom, think about the guy who lost an arm training the bear to fuck her.”
The battle is pretty one-sided up to this point but Spent finally lands one on his last joke. Ashley is voted the better joke writer and the less creepy of the two, taking an easy win.
Paige Wesley and Armando Torres take the stage and it’s immediately clear these two are friends. They host a podcast together and are able to riff back and forth off the top, which usually foreshadows a great battle and this time is no different. Paid starts us off.
“Armando’s never been in a gang, but he did get shot when that kid fell into his cage.”
“Paige doesn’t have a lot of sex. The only time a guy would get up in those guts is to escape the freezing cold of the planet Hoth.”
“Mando’s only jealous because he’s never got a girl wetter than his back.”
This joke gets the biggest pop of the battle and Armando gives Paige her props with a high five.
“Paige is a film major because when she saw that boulder chase Indiana Jones, she thought ‘Hey that could be me!’”
“Mando’s mom is Jewish and his dad is Mexican so to compromise, they circumcised him with a weed whacker.”
There wasn’t a dud in the bunch but Paige’s jokes hit the audience a little harder and a little more consistently, giving her the victory in an incredible battle.
The undercards were in top form tonight, keeping the crowd hot and setting Keith Carey and Sarah Keller up for a successful main event. In the spirit of equality, both were asked if they would let the Wave smash and if you drew a Venn Diagram of both their answers, in the middle would be “Jamar could get it.” Pretty standard. Keith volunteers to go first- to tell a joke, not to fuck Jamar.
“Sarah has suicidal depression, no self-confidence, and is obsessed with My Little Pony. It’s like you got the personality that was supposed to go in this body.
“That’s funny because you look like you throw your back out farting.”
“Sarah’s dad is a trucker and her brother is in a motorcycle gang. If your family tree was any more white trash, Moses would be hanging from it.”
“Coming from the guy who would order meth as his last meal. Keith is an Atheist, but that’s fine cuz no one believes in you either, Keith.”
“Sarah attempted suicide once. Why bother? You’re a model in Hollywood. You’re life’s gonna be over the minute you turn 35.”
“Keith is 5’5, but his driver’s license said he’s super fucking fat.”
The energy fizzles out a bit on their last jokes but overall, it was a solid round. The judges give Sarah round one and commend her on a hilarious farting joke. Keith defers to Sarah to kick off round 2.
“Keith, you look like you lose your breath while masturbating.”
“Keith twitches for every time his father should’ve pulled out.”
“Keith, you look like you poop entire tacos.”
“Sarah’s mother is actually in the audience tonight so at least someone in your family knows their place in a comedy club.”
“Look, I’m not saying Sarah’s racist but she does call her cutoff jean shorts David Dukes.”
“I’ve seen Sarah without makeup and that shit is ghoulish. Your face is a lot like your dad’s drug problem, it’s all smoke and mirrors.”
Keith’s last joke doesn’t quite connect but the other two hit harder than all three of Sarah’s and he edges out round two to send it into a third round. Before this round starts, however, the Wave has a question for Sarah’s mom.
“You have to explain what smash means first.” – Sarah Keller
“Ms. Keller, would you let the Wave have sexual intercourse with you?” – Brian Moses
Sarah’s mom respectfully declines the offer and Keith starts off the third round.
“Sarah’s body is like a bluegrass band, washboard abs, a couple of jugs and when she was a kid her pussy got fiddled.”
“Keith is great at rolling with the punches. See, Keith you DID take after your mom.”
“Sarah used to date a guy with a retarded son so at least we know who’s been writing her act.”
“Keith has almost reached his goal weight of ‘needs handicapped parking.’”
“Sarah’s only credit is making out with me on Comedy Central. How sad is it that you took all those bikini pictures and the only tights that got you on TV were mine.”
“He’s very fat. They say fat people are just more to love. Someone please tell Keith’s mom that.”
Both were consistent throughout this round. Keith arguably edged this one out but the battle as a whole was closely contested and the audience is hungry for more, causing the judges to contemplate overtime. Keith makes the mistake of pleading with the judges.
“Please don’t. I never win in overtime.”
There it is. We are notorious assholes here at Roast Battle so the minute someone doesn’t want to do something, we’re gonna make them fucking do it. The battle is pushed to overtime and if I was into that manifestation bullshit, I would say Keith created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“God made Eve out of Adam’s rib. God made Keith out of the McRib.”
“Sarah Keller is a lot like Helen Keller – fucking dumb.”
Keith’s joke is met with silence and makes it very clear he is ready to get off stage. With that, Keller takes the win in overtime and has officially defeated two Roast Battle stars in a row. This girl is on a roll and shows no sign of stopping.
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