A certain Roast Battle performer will no longer be on the show due to multiple instances of sexual harassment. I’ve spent the last few days struggling with how to approach this subject or whether or not to comment on it at all. It’s a complex and sensitive situation, but the bottom line is nobody deserves to feel less than. Nobody should have to feel scared to go out because they might see somebody who has assaulted or threatened them. Nobody deserves to feel weak or helpless or marginalized or uncomfortable. That is not what comedy is about, and that is not what this show is about. The only silver lining in this is that women spoke out, their voices were heard and actions were taken to protect them. I am proud to do comedy at a place that respects women and does not ignore their concerns.
With the exception of Jamar Neighbors, all the night’s judges are present and accounted for before the first bell rings. Earl Skakel, Jeff Ross, Jeremiah Watkins and Willie Hunter sit above the stage ready to pass judgment. Brian Moses brings up Cat Wright for the first fight of the night.
“You’re battling… fuck, Kelsey Lane. Why you battling Kelsey? Who called who out?” – Brian Moses
“It’s easy to forget her name.” – Cat Wright
Cat gets a good pop early on from a crowd that is thirsty for verbal violence. Kelsey Lane joins the party and Cat kicks off the carnage:
“Kelsey’s a musical comic who’s a self-proclaimed bisexual icon. More like a bisexual icon not be funny without a geetar.”
“Cat’s tits are so underdeveloped they remind me of my first abortion.”
“Kelsey reminds me of MTV2: She plays a little music and she’s never funny.”
“Thank you, Miss OCD: Obvious Cum Dumpster. Cat’s a pill-head with OCD, which is great because she’ll count her pills eleven times before she OD’s.”
“Kelsey is a chain-smoking, chubby-chasing, chuckle-fucker… who’s probably going to die soon. So I guess all I’m saying is, watch out Ralphie May.”
“Cat, I just want to say, I’m so sorry for your loss. And we will find the man that stole your eyebrows.”
Cat Wright has a consistent build to her one-two punch finale. Kelsey lands some solid blows, her second joke flopped and made a dent in her momentum. The judges give both competitors props, but Cat takes a decisive win.
Things are set to move on, but not without a quick run of honoring Ralphie May with some posthumous roasting. (And that’s the only time “quick run” and Ralphie May have been used in the same sentence.)
“Earl, first Tom Petty then Ralphie, these things happen in threes…” – Jeff Ross
“Well, Ralphie was big enough. It’s gonna be an open casket because they won’t be able to shut it.” – Earl Skakel
“Roast in peace, Ralphie.” – Jeff Ross
Mitch Burrow comes to the stage, walking right into some zingers from the Roastmaster.
“Who’s this, Ralphie Maybe?” – Jeff Ross
Moses tries to move things along, but Jeff Ross can’t help himself.
“Who’s this, Farty Lange? It’s not fair, it’s not fair. Bring up the next guy, sorry. Who’s this, Dane Cook-out?” – Jeff Ross
Mitch Burrow seems confident as John-Michael Bond joins him onstage.
“Firing Squad, who do we like in this one?” – Brian Moses
There is a long pause.
“We’re not used to talking.” – Willie Hunter
“These guys look like they’ve already battled.” – Jeff Ross
“…In a confederate war.” – Jeremiah Watkins
When asked who wants to go first, Mitch simply motions for the mic.
“John tried to join the army, but he couldn’t because of anti-depressents. Not the ones he was on, but the ones it would’ve taken all the other soldiers to put up with him.”
“Thanks, Ron White Lives Matter. Mitch Burrow, I’m glad that you wore a Halloween costume today: a country singer praying for terrorist attack to write about.”
“After sex John’s wife calls him Bond, the most disappointing Bond.”
“Mitch is an authentic Southerner. When he dies, he wants his body cremated and his ashes scattered, smothered and covered.”
“John’s dad is a preacher that tried to talk him out of moving to LA because he believed in the Holy Ghost, but not his only begotten son.”
“Mitch served in Iraq for five years and then moved to Hollywood to make it big. So that’s two missions not accomplished.”
Mitch has a blasé attitude. It just seems like he doesn’t really want to be here, and John-Michael Bond blows the delivery of his first two jokes. So overall, an underwhelming showing from these two, but John sticks the landing on his last joke and clenches the victory.
Next up, Movses Shakarian returns for a third week in a row to take on the first-timer Sharon Houston. After the judges, take some shots at Sharon, Movses begins the bout:
“Sharon’s last name is Houston, which explains why her life is a category five disaster.”
“Movses uhh… my dear friend Movses here, has had so much unprotected sex with strangers that his bed spread is now touring the country as the official AIDS quilt.”
“Thank you, Eva Long-whore-ia.”
“Said by somebody who cums hummus.”
This quick comeback makes the Wave burst into act outs from the judges’ section, with Jeremiah spurting water all over their usual seats.
“Sharon produces a show called ‘Wine Me, Dine Me’ because otherwise nobody fucking will.”
“Movses isn’t your typical Armenian, meaning he doesn’t always wear a track suit when he rapes you.”
“Sharon is like a cigar. She claims to be Cuban, but I know an overpriced Dominican when I see one.”
“Movses’ sex life is a lot like the Armenian genocide. Even though millions of people were involved, no one will publicly acknowledge it.”
Movses mostly gets light responses, but somehow maintains his composure like a pro and nails his last joke. However, it is too little too late, because Sharon really came to play. She owns the room from beginning to end. All her jokes were clearly in her voice, and she claims a much-deserved win in her impressive debut. Jamar joins the judges as we move into our first of two main events.
Rachel Mac enters the arena first, landing some solid off-the-cuff laughs in the pre-battle banter. She’s soon followed by Jeff Sewing, who employs his signature no-nonsense “Let’s get to the fuckin’ battle” attitude before jumping on the first joke:
“Hey Rachel, I’ve always wanted to ask you, when you pick your nose, do you still pick out like old Double Dare flags?”
“Jeff’s wife recently had a miscarriage and Jeff still hasn’t lost the baby weight.”
“Fun fact about Rachel, both her voice octave and her bra size, are A-flat.”
“Jeff had to quit his softball team because the other lesbians were too mean to him.”
“Rachel’s one of the only Christian comedians in the LA comedy scene. And I gotta say I really respect her commitment to being just as Christ-like as she can be… especially with her upper body.”
“Jeff looks like a pedophile that gets bullied by other pedophiles.”
“Rachel’s had a yeast infection for over two years now. Rach, I think you’re putting the body of Christ in the wrong hole.”
Jeff has a shaky third joke, but follows it with a banger punctuated by the Wave hopping out of the VIP section and onto the stage.
“Jeff’s wife works at a animal rescue shelter ’cause she has so much experience taking care of wounded little bitches.”
“Rachel’s husband is great guy, he actually works getting homeless people off the street. And this is why you should never take your home with you.”
“Some white people think that all lives matter. They have not met Jeff.”
One of the truest signs that a battle is going well is when Moses loses count of the jokes and pushes the battlers in unofficial overtime, which is what happens here.
“Rachel’s one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet in comedy, so long as you never try to take her precious.”
“Every six months Jeff says that he is quitting comedy, which is the only thing that ever gets him likes on Facebook.”
Jeff gets some of the biggest pops of the night, but Rachel is more consistent throughout the battle, getting some big pops of her own. It is a close contest and tough call for our judges. Willie elects to give Rachel his vote, Jamar chooses Jeff for his opening Double Dare nose joke and Jeremiah adds a vote for Sewing as well. It comes down to Earl, who gives the slight edge to Rachel, tying things up. The Roastmaster makes the official decision and rules the battle a draw. The real winner is the audience because both Jeff Sewing and Rachel Mac put forth top-notch performances to entertain this bloodthirsty crowd.
On to the last match, a three-round main event featuring two of the finest battlers in the game today, Doug Fager and Alex Duong. Alex comes to the stage first hitting a solid pre-battle blow, followed by Fager who lands one of his own.
“He’s good friend, very funny and he’s what we refer to in my culture as sum dum fuck boi!” – Alex Duong
“I just know he’s a great battler, he always brings the fireworks.” – Doug Fager
“This stage looks like a liquor store robbery.” – Earl Skakel
“This show racist, man.” – Jamar Neighbors
At this point, Earl climbs out of his Judges’ seat and reclaims the side-stage Haters’ section he made famous, as the audience bursts into chants of “Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!” He then rips down the “Saudis Only” sign with wild cheers from the room. Alex grabs the mic to start round one:
“Doug’s won two fist fights here at the Comedy Store, and zero fights everywhere else for his father’s approval.”
“Thank Kim Jong Eh.”
“You’re welcome, Fuck Norris.”
Doug’s first rebuttal gets a lot of noise from the crowd after Alex’s first joke falters, while his reply to Doug’s rebuttal is hardly heard over the crowd still giving it up for Fager.
“Alex has been a fame whore ever since he was little. He got his first big break running naked from his burning village.”
“Thank you Conan O’Balding. Doug has serious abandonment issues, but his hair line doesn’t.”
Alex’s fortune doesn’t change on his second joke, and it looks like the first round is going to be a slaughter.
“Alex uses both the standard American calendar and the Chinese calendar, which makes two calendars you won’t get booked on.”
“I find it ironic that I’m Asian, but you’re the one who looks like he still pays for karate classes.”
“Thank you, Bruce Least.”
“You’re welcome, Bill Blurry.”
“My preasure- pleasure. Alex had his choice of colleges. He studied at Baylor, but his parents wanted him to pick Rice.”
The last joke from Alex gets some love, but Doug’s last shot of racism secures a unanimous judges vote for Fager in the first round. It is revealed that we’re sitting in the presence of the recently arrived Rosario Dawson as Fager starts his three jokes for round two:
“Alex went to college for medicine, but he flunked out because the cure to everything isn’t ground rhinoceros horn.”
“Alex’s face is so flat his family used to play ping pong on it.”
“Alex might not be the best looking Asian man of all time or he might be, I don’t know, I can’t fucking tell.”
“Despite Doug’s look he has a serious weight problem. He can’t wait for women to consent. #MeToo.”
“The only hosting job Doug will ever book is when he invites hotter guys over to fuck his girlfriend.”
“Doug, you got a great smile. It reminds of the white picket fence your family won’t let white people cross.”
Alex has a bit of a better round two despite his last joke lacking, but all of Fager’s jokes hit hard.
“Yo, I’m gonna go for Doug because he has the better jokes.” – Jamar Neighbors
“I don’t, I don’t know how to do this last one. Uh, should I be angry, should I be excited or should I do an impression?” – Willie Hunter
“Be fast.” – Earl Skakel
“Doug looks like he subscribes to a magazine called Stepdads Quarterly.” – Jeremiah Watkins
“Doug, that was probably the best single round I saw tonight. Every joke hit. Congratulations.” – Jeff Ross
“I was just saying that I clearly didn’t miss much if that was the best you’ve seen all night.” – Rosario Dawson
“It’s almost as bad as you in, umm, fuck! I got lost in her eyes! I got lost in her eyes.” – Doug Fager
Doug blows his Rosario Dawson comeback after beating Alex Duong in two rounds, which is pretty much the polar opposite of his legendary takedown of Tony Hinchcliffe after losing to Toby Muresianu. Even though the battle has officially ended with Doug as the victor, the night closes with more round just for fun. Fager starts:
“Alex is half Vietnamese and half Chinese. His autobiography is called Charlie and the Nike Factory.”
“Doug is what we call a Wisconsin 10 and an LA 9-1-1 please help, he’s still in the house.”
“Alex, I don’t know how your face is so flat but your eyes are still on a slant.”
“Doug spent nine years in a failed relationship with a Filipino girl, he would’ve done ten, but his card got declined at the massage parlor.”
“When ever Alex date rapes a women he uses a Rufio! Rufio! Rufio!”
“Thank you, Blandthony Jeselnik. Doug is what happens when someone removes all the color from a Simpsons character.”
Doug’s second joke fails, giving Alex at least a chance to save face, but his face falls flat. Doug is given a second chance to take a shot at Rosario Dawson, but has nothing left in the chamber. All in all, a fun-filled night in the Belly Room. We’ll be back next week with more verbal violence.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.