The crowd is present, but distant, but the Roast Battle crew is ready to win them over. DJ Coach Tea is present, along with chant master Joshua Meyrowitz, corner hater Saudi Prince, and of course the master of ceremonies, Brian Moses.
Judging over the night’s battles are Roast Battle great Jay Light, along with judging luminaries, Jeff Ross and Cort McCown.
The first battle of the night is Hailey Hackett versus Kyle Daley. Hailey is brought up first and asked why she is battling Kyle.
“I always wanted my first time to be with someone special… needs.” -Hailey
The battle is ready to begin and Kyle volunteers to go first.
“Yo. Get this. Hailey looks like Topanga from Boy Meets World if she fell down Topanga Canyon.”
“Thank you undercooked Guy Fieri. Kyle’s parents are very conservative. They’re so conservative, that they only fucked once. And boy did they fuck up.”
“Clearly paid attention when I said I had siblings. Hailey, you’d be surprised to learn just based on her looks, that she’s part Puerto Rican, but once you learn that you won’t be surprised to learn that her dad was never around.”
“No he wasn’t. My dad was in jail. He may have been in jail, but the only things that belong behind bars are your teeth. Boy, do you need braces. Kyle’s in a relationship, but he still identifies as an incel because even he wouldn’t fuck his girlfriend.”
“I’m surprised you even know how to pronounce incel. Hailey’s from Maryland, which probably explains why she just loves giving everybody crabs.”
“Thank you guy who owns a pair of truck nuts and no car. Kyle’s really jealous of active school shooters… because they’re active.”
“Looks like Kyle is 0 for 2.” – Cort
“This battle looks like a girl who sells her nudes on Etsy and the dude who buys them. This was a great wikipedia page reading. A lot of facts” -Jay
Hailey has a solid first showing, while Kyle flounders. His “I’m surprised you know how to pronounce incel” comeback may have been the worst comeback in Roast Battle history and served more as a roast of himself than Hailey. Hailey takes a unanimous victory in her first battle.
Up next is Tokyo Kuntpunch versus Brandon Beaderstadt. Tokyo offers to go first.
“Sometimes Brandon wears a handlebar mustache, and by handlebar mustache I’m referring to bikers who put their ball sacks above his lips.”
“You’re fucking disgusting.”
“Thank you, Etch-A-Sketch Charlie Brown.”
“Tokyo nicknamed her pussy Charlie Sheen because it can fit two and a half men and it’s full of HIV.”
“The truth is I haven’t been tested in months, so I don’t know. When Brandon first moved to Los Angeles, he did a lot of background acting, and he still is, let’s give him a round of applause.”
“How about we give it up for incredibly Loose-y Liu. Tokyo’s great, to this day she’s still the only prostitute you can get on Groupon.”
“Thank you for taking a break from gang banging your three roommates to be here tonight. We know he’s a struggling model, he’s struggling not to eat, you guys. Looking at his upcoming list of shows is like reading a suicide watch press release. Have you seen his Instagram?”
“Thank you HPVietnamese. I recently found out I couldn’t even afford to have sex with Tokyo, because it turns out it’s super expensive to have AIDS.”
“His last name is beat her snatch, which you wish you would, but this guy sucks more dicks than me. Am I right guys? Calm down.”
*buzzer sound* – Coach Tea
“Tokyo, you’re a great target and a good sport… terrible at anything else.” -Jeff
“You two look like you have very different opinions on the Matrix trilogy.” – Jay
“When’s the ping pong ball show? This definitely looks like a battle that started in a LensCrafters.” – Cort
“Too bad it wasn’t JokeCrafters.” -Jeff
“It made me remember I haven’t seen Lost in Translation in a while” -Saudi
Brandon hits on every joke and has a great showing in his debut battle. Tokyo falters and struggles to get laughs, which seems to shake her and impact her delivery as the battle goes on. Brandon wins unanimously and the virgins start the night at 2-0.
Our third battle of the night features another virgin, but no winners as Ezekiel Echevarria takes on Paul Missirlian. Paul is brought up and asked why he’s battling Ezekiel.
“I just thought it was time Zeke picked on someone his own size, so I gained 50 pounds and cut three inches off my dick.” – Paul
“Alright Big Bald Oakerson” – Moses
Ezekiel volunteers to go first and the battle is under way.
“Paul’s girlfriend dumped him because she accused him of cheating, but it’s absurd to think that because her name isn’t diet.”
“I know, speaking of diets, Zeke’s shaped like a pear, but the only fruit he’s ever had is his girlfriend that turned out to be a lesbian.”
“Paul’s a renaissance man. He’s a musician, he’s a chef, he’s a comedian. He is so white and desperate for attention, I’m surprised he hasn’t shot up a school yet.”
“Zeke struggles with writing jokes. You know what he struggles with more? Not having a second plate of food and keeping a woman straight.”
“First laugh wins.” -Jeff
“Paul hates going to the bank for the same reason he hates going down on girls. Like as much as he eats, he never gets full.”
“Ezekiel is a biblical name, it means God will strengthen. Which for Zeke, hopefully it means any chair that he will sit on.”
“I really enjoyed Conner McDonalds, he brought the thunder against Suge Noche.” -Saudi
“That was terrible, but you guys tried. Sorry.” -Cort
“It was the biggest tragedy this week, honestly.” -Saudi
“I’d rather not talk about this because the whole Kobe thing hurts extra for me” -Jeff
“Because he owed me two thousand dollars” -Jeff
“Paul looks like he’s about to lie to a woman about how much an oil change costs.” -Jay
This was a rough battle. Neither battler was able to score any significant laughs from the audience. In the end, the audience is unable to declare either contestant the victor, and instead chant master Joshua Meyrowitz is crowned the victor as both Paul and Ezekiel take home losses.
Up next, we host some visitors as Zahid Dewji takes on Victor Tran for the best of Houston battle. This is the final of a massive Houston roast battle tournament, with the last two men standing squaring off. Zahid comes to the stage first.
“What are you doing without your backpack my friend?” – Saudi
Victor joins Zahid on stage. The battle is ready to begin. Victor goes first.
“Zahid is like a pedophile’s wet dream: a bald pussy.”
“Nice job eyes wide shut, you’re like the last kid I fucked. Victor, when I’m through beating you, your body’s going to look like one of the lakers, purple and yellow.”
“Give it up for nightmare before Ramadan. You look like Hack Skellington. They’re not laughing at your punchlines, they’re laughing at your hairline.”
“I’m just surprised you can pronounce your Ls. Victor’s parents actually own two small businesses, called expression and eye contact, named after Victor’s autistic personality. Look out for their next business their opening, its a gym called retard strength… Come on Hacky Chan”
“Zahid’s dad actually lost his job last year, fucking useless. Zahid’s a 32 year old open micer who lives with his parents and he’s still not the biggest loser in his family.”
“General So-So. Victor, I’d tell you to shut your mouth, but I know that cleft lip makes it impossible. If Victor’s lips were any further apart, he’d look like Ali Wong’s pussy. Because it’s sideways.”
“I really liked the bad guy from Bloodsport. I enjoyed it, speaking of enjoying it, I liked Brody Stevens leftover chromosomes as well. I give it 9 out of 11.” – Saudi
“The Daily Show correspondents are looking like shit these days.” -Cort
“It’s nice to see what happened to Short Round and that dude who stole that guy’s heart in Indiana Jones” -Jay
Both battlers hit big and got consistent big laughs. The judges vote is split, resulting in an overtime joke to decide the title.
“Vic’s dad actually left him as a kid. I think it’s because of China’s new one parent policy.”
“Zahid is from Houston, so he’s a big fan of the Rockets. He’s also a big fan of the car bombs, the beheadings.”
Zahid’s overtime joke hits hard, but Victor absolutely floors the room and takes the win and title for best roast battler in Houston. Both will be happily welcomed back to roast battle in the belly room in the future.
A large portion of the crowd leaves as the final undercard of Nico Dinisi versus Caesar Lizardo begins. Nico is brought up first.
“Debuting the new name.” -Moses
“Just came out as Italian.” -Nico
Caesar joins and the battle gets under way immediately, with Nico volunteering to go first.
“Caesar’s a good looking guy, you can tell just by looking at him that this guy fucks! But he cums too fast and too furious.”
“Alright, yeah. Give it up for Caitlyn trans-Jenner, sorry, Bruce trans, no wait, Caitlyn Bigender. Fuck, dude, I know. The artist formerly known as Robyn Blake. She changes her name and gender at least once a week, today she’s Nico Dinisi, tomorrow she’s Nico Dinephew. I mean, I can’t keep up, guys.”
“Thank you Aladdin Bin Laden.”
“You’re welcome Billie Guyish.”
“Caesar looks like Ice Cube came right out of an ICE detention center.”
“Nico refers to her pussy as her man hole, which is fitting because even from here it smells like a sewer.”
“Caesar’s just mad because I’m allowed in any bathroom I want, but he’s not even allowed in this country.”
“Thank you post-op Neal Brennan. Nico is bigender, bipolar, and by god she sucks at comedy.”
“I like Houston.” -Cort
“They cheated.” -Caesar
“You should cheat then.” -Cort
These battlers had strong jokes, but the crowd was out of sorts after the strong Houston battle, and many left while the others were distracted by the mass exodus. They both had strong moments, and deserved better, but Caesar had the more consistent laughs and takes home a unanimous victory.
“This is going to be a weird request, but can everyone in the back fill in the front seats, bring it in close.” – Jay
“This is what happens when door guys judge.” – Jeff
“If you guys pay $50 you can sit in this corner booth.” – Jay
The crowd moves forward and gets an electric “Battle!” chant going as the main event of Kelsey Lane versus Alice Hamilton begins. Both are brought up and Kelsey is asked why she’s battling Alice.
“She asked me, and I was like yeah, because she has huge totters.” – Kelsey
“Kelsey wants to suck my tits, let’s do this.” – Alice
The battlers have the crowd’s undivided attention. Alice volunteers to go first.
“Kelsey’s so butch, she doesn’t scissor, she clamps”
“You’ll find out later, if you’re lucky. You might recognize Alice as that chick who called the police on her own barbecue.”
“You adorkable dick softener. What can you say about Kelsey Lane that isn’t already on a t-shirt at Hot Topic? You look like you have baseball cards in your pussy.”
“That’s how you make it sound like a motorcycle.” – Jay
“I feel like if you tried to go down on Alice, her pussy would just start singing bible hymns.”
“Kelsey, you fucking PacSun general manager.”
“I have a job in this fake one, cool.”
“It’s not comedy. Kelsey’s pussy is so rancid, that if I fingered her, all my nail polish would come off.”
“Alice is so boring in the bedroom that every time she gets roofied, the rapist passes out.”
“I’m glad to see being raped has made you very funny.”
“Funnier than you, bitch.”
“Kelsey said she was raped, I don’t believe her. It’s not that there aren’t tons of rapists out there, I just can’t see Kelsey saying no to anyone.”
“To be fair you can’t say no when you’re sleeping. Alice reminds me of Garfield on a Monday because she’s also a pretentious cunt.”
“More of a statement than a joke. Kelsey, the only thing more uneven than your tits is your dopamine levels you sad bitch.”
“Alice, I almost forgot you were black. Alice wanted to be a black panther, but she kept letting the police dogs lick her on the mouth.”
“Kelsey, I’ve seen you before, always great. Alice, I hadn’t seen you, but amazing tits.” -Cort
“I like that everyone here stuck up for Garfield.” -Moses
“You guys both look like you got kicked out of Amish prom for different reasons.” -Jay
This was a phenomenal battle. Both battlers got huge laughs on every joke, and revived what was left of a depleted crowd. Truly, a great battle for both, they each receive heavy praise, but Alice edges out the judge vote 2-1 and takes home a victory.