After a rare week off, Roast Battle is back, and you can tell the crowd is ready. From top to bottom, this is one of the most consistently entertaining nights we’ve had at the show in a while. Some unexpected surprises, some bold “artistic” choices, and a never-ending supply of black jokes anchor a full-tilt evening of verbal violence.
Kicking off the action is a virgin suicide between Richelle Meiss and Peggy Sinnott!
Richelle takes the stage, owning her quirky vibe with some anti-joke riffs that the room actually enjoys. It’s always fun when somebody can get the Roast Battle crowd interested with an energy besides cocky bravado. Peggy joins her, looking like everybody who ever wrote a letter about how to deal with their first period to Teen Vogue. Richelle opts for the first joke as the bell rings:
“Okay you guys, by day, Peggy sells closets. And at night, she keeps her husband in one.”
“That nigga gay.” – Haiti
“Richelle thinks that her career in Hollywood is going to work out. You’re so stupid. Richelle, you’re as dumb as the 10,000 people trapped in their houses in Houston right now.”
“Peggy is so flat-chested her cup size is double masectomy.”
“Richelle takes Zoloft and also Xanax at night. Partly to help with anxiety, but mainly to help her forget she’s on a musical improv team called ‘Kaboom Box.’”
“Peggy wants to get pregnant ASAP. But there’s no way she’s gonna carry a baby to full term. Neither her boobs or her jokes are fully developed.”
“Richelle’s sister has cystic fibrosis, which means she may not live past the decade, which is tragic because she’ll never see Richelle get a legitimate TV credit.”
Both performers do pretty well. The audience is forgiving of some stumbles and long-winded set-ups, normal issues in most first-time Battlers. Peggy starts on wobbly footing, as the bold strategy of “call a bunch of hurricane victims idiots” shockingly turns the crowd on her a bit. But she picks up steam, and a weak final punch from Richelle evens the playing field, forcing the battle to overtime:
“If you’ve seen Richelle’s act, you know she has a lot of jokes about being unfuckable. You’re not unfuckable. I mean, you’re awkward. You have a very bad sense of fashion. Your boobs are sub-par. Oh, wait, yeah, you are unfuckable.”
“Thank you, Jewish Squidward…”
Richelle winds up for another joke, but the Jewish Squidward (Yidward?) joke pops hard, and she makes the wise decision to leave it as it is. Richelle narrowly takes the victory in a fine debut for both of these funny ladies.
After a chunk of stand-up, the crowd gets riled up for the main chunk of the show. The judges arrive, ready to talk some shit. Moses excitedly announces that the night is full of black battlers, drawing cheers from the crowd (and presumably, somewhere in Bel-Air, a loud “BOO!” from Earl Skakel). With the room primed, Moses introduces Andrea Guzzetta and Rob Smallwood!
Andrea seems flustered, but it lends her an adorable “golly gee” energy that’s more charming than off-putting. Rob takes the stage and very confidently delivers a dogshit opening joke.
“You know what would be funnier than that? If we took a picture of this and sent it to Andrea’s father. ‘WHAT DID LOS ANGELES DO TO YOU, HONEY?!?!’” – Mike Lawrence
“This battle looks like it was raised by Mr. Drummond on the Upper East Side.” – Luis J. Gomez
“No matter what happens, he’s leaving with a rape charge.” – Kim Congdon
Russell Peters enters the panel just in time for the opening blow, dropping a Little House on the Prairie slavery riff just before the opening bell:
“Rob, you ratchet Keebler Elf. You look like a 14-year old boy AND the dad who walked out on you.”
“Andrea’s jokes are so bad, even after sleeping with a door guy at the Comedy Store she still couldn’t get stage time.”
“WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?” – The Wave
“I’m not allowed to name names.” – Rob
“DO IT NIGGA!” – The Wave
“Some people say Rob has a Napoleon complex, but Napoleon actually accomplished something.”
“On the regular, Andrea likes to make fun of the way I dress and my dating life. I think she’s just mad I’m the only comic in LA to read the Yelp reviews on how wack her pussy is.”
“Rob, you prison-bodied polio victim. Honestly, I’m not surprised your ex-girlfriend had a miscarriage because none of your material works.”
“Andrea dresses like a 70’s cartoon character. The only thing more boring and predictable than her outfits is her personality. I bet during sex her safe-word is ‘Jinkies.’”
“Damn, I thought we stopped killing unarmed niggas.” – Moses
“She tiki-torched your ass.” – Mike Lawrence
Shit goddamn, Andrea is no joke. Her cutesy, “I’m just happy to be here” vibe gives way to a savage delivery that belies her lack of experience. Rob can’t catch a break, although his last joke gets a bit of love. All three of Andrea’s punches land hard. She makes a big impression and takes an easy win, but Rob gets a good shot at redemption:
“I was gonna say you lost the battle, but you’re a black dude whose last name is ‘Smallwood’, so you just lost at everything.” – Russell Peters
“So I’ve been up here for three minutes, and you spent the whole time thinking about my dick?” – Rob
Rob gets a big laugh as Andrea takes the victory, and Roast Battle recovers from watching the potential birth of a star.
Next up to the plate are Alfred Konuwa and everyone’s 4th favorite member of the Wave, Haiti!
“You look like if the last guy was blasted with gamma rays.” – Mike Lawrence
Konuwa takes the stage, as is traditional, to the sultry sounds of Tom Jones as he and the Wave do the Carlton. Haiti is brought to the stage by a steel drum player, because I guess that’s the only thing the nation of Haiti is known for besides earthquakes and…I don’t know, executing gay people, I assume.
“Leave it to the guy from Haiti to come in with a guy playing a trash can lid.” – Tony “Knobby-Knees” Hinchcliffe
“I’m just terrified to find out which one is going to try to fuck my girlfriend.” – Luis J. Gomez
“That ugly bitch? Nah.” – Haiti
“He tried to and I blocked him on Facebook.” – Kim Congdon
“EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO FUCK, WHY NOT ME?!” – Haiti
After listening to Haiti talk some very impassioned, uncomfortable shit that is theoretically in English, we’re shaking off the rapey vibes as we get into the fight:
“Haiti is built like a football player, but his only tackles come against women trying to escape.”
“Thank you so much, only nigga at a Cracker Barrel. Alfred is 6’6” and plays no sports. He remind me of Africa; big and black and useless.”
“This reminds me of your bodybuilding career, where you get all that stage-time without telling a single joke.”
“The only difference between me and Haiti is I was the only black kid in my 3rd grade class and he’s the only black man in his 3rd grade class.”
“That was a very smart joke, you non-union ape. What’s your name, Alfred Kolooga or somethin’?”
“Why? You’re not going to pronounce it right.”
“What’s your name, bitch?”
“Alfred motherfuckin’ Konuwa,”
“It’s like your first name is segregated from your last name.”
“Haiti is homophobic. The closest he comes to LGBT is when he’s trying to spell his name.”
“Alfred, you look like the only African that eats other Africans.”
“I feel like I’m gonna get renewed to Wild ‘N Out after watching this.” – Corey Charron
“It’s fun watching a Roast Battle where I can’t quote any of the jokes.” – Mike Lawrence
The jokes are hit and miss, but this battle is a whole bucket of fun. Jamar steps into the Hater’s seat and makes a plea for black unity, which is pretty roundly ignored in lieu of a bunch more black jokes.Then shit gets weird, Alfred gives an old man a lap-dance, Jeff Ross whips his shirt off and joins the Wave for a dance party, and the room totally loses control.
“This is why we don’t have all-black battles.” – Moses
“That just became a cookout I wasn’t invited to.” – Mike Lawrence
“WHO MADE THE POTATO SALAD? WHO MADE THE POTATO SALAD?” – Jamar Neighbors
Haiti walks away with the win, but the whole room is feeling the love.
The battles keep on coming as Los Angeles’ own Billy Boondocks takes on David Lucas.
Billy is a battle-rap champion, and carries himself with a swag that can best be described as “autistic R. Kelly.” Like, he believes he can fly, but he prefers trains. David lumbers up next, and Mike busts his balls for his pre-show intensity. Jeremiah Watkins somehow finagles his way to the Hater’s Table:
“It’s like, he looks like he sings about ‘Broccoli’ and the other guy looks like he’s never eaten it.” – Jeremiah Watkins
“That motherfucker look like a dolphin.” – David Lucas
Jeff Ross jumps in to wrangle the room. Then it’s time for blood:
“My nigga, you fat as fuck. I mean, niggas like chicken, but damn, you had to be shaped like one. Skinny at the bottom, big up top, drumstick-ass nigga.”
“That all you got? You ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’-ass nigga. This motherfucker look like a cross-dressing vampire. That nigga’s vampire name is ‘Count Hit-You-From-The-Backula.’”
“Nigga, you ain’t seen your dick for as long as you ain’t seen your daddy. And the irony of the slim chance you have of seeing both those dicks again amazes me.”
“I seen my dick last night when I dropped off a 12 piece to yo momma’s house, nigga.”
“How much of that 12 piece did you eat, nigga?”
“Nigga, with the nose-ring you look like Dennis Rodman’s son. You the type of nigga to catch basketballs with his ass.”
“Bitch, you never played basketball. Dude, you reaching for your dick and pulling it out on the first try is equivalent to someone pulling a blank out of a Scrabble bag. Luckily for you, they make backboards for toilets so even if you ain’t got no aim, just hit the back and it goes in.”
“Ain’t nobody understood that educated-ass joke.”
“Most negroes aren’t educated.”
“This nigga look like a homo thug-”
“Your chains look like chokers.”
“This nigga look like a homo thug. He got a pistol full of toenail clippings and glitter.”
“Why you got on jeans that breath ventilation to your legs when they sweat?”
“Nigga, why you got on ripped khakis?”
“Nigga, I bought ’em at the same place you got yours!”
“This nigga got a Volkswagen seat-belt buckle on his dick.”
“Everything you got on is elastic.”
“This dude looks like his maid is Justin Bieber.”
“Hold on…let’s get it-”
“If you don’t get your ass outta here with them skinny-ass eyebrows, nigga. This nigga’s sideburns on Slim-Fast.”
“Nigga, you got a sweat release button on the back of your neck so your clothes don’t get soaked. You so fat you can masturbate rubbing your thighs together.”
“This nigga got on velvet shoes. He looks like the hood Easter Bunny.”
“I got a thousand dollars on my feet. Them shits was released three years ago.”
“You got a thousand dollars on your feet and live in Compton, nigga.”
Finally, the bell comes. I’ve never seen a battle deteriorate so hard and still be so solid. Billy started out strong but made the terrible mistake of going off-book with David Lucas, who is one of the fastest minds in the game. David takes the victory and cements his growing reputation as a stone-cold killer in the Roast Battle arena.
The crowd is hot fire as we move into the first of the evening’s main events, a Jew-on-Jew slap-fight between Dave Sirus and Toby Muresianu!
This is the physical opposite of the fight preceding it. Both combatants come in hot when asked why they took the fight:
“A lot of our friends said it would be good because we’re such similar people, and honestly, that’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.” – Dave Sirus
“It’s autism awareness month and I wanted to make him aware he has autism.” – Toby Muresianu
After Jeff makes it very clear that he does not understand which of these people is which, two of the finest writers in Roast Battle take it away:
“Toby hasn’t eaten meat in 22 years, unless you count pussy. Then it’s 33 years.”
“Dave ran a psychic hotline. But you know it’s fake, because he saw a future in comedy.”
“A lot of women in comedy have called Toby creepy. And Toby has called them…while masturbating.”
“Dave name-drops people from SNL faster than SNL dropped him from SNL.”
“The only time you work on a Saturday night is because that’s when Uber pays the most. Sex with Toby is like going to see his live podcast. If you came, you were probably thinking of someone else.”
“Dave’s single. He’s looking for a nice girl to lay eggs in.”
“Toby says he’s against cruelty to animals. But only when you ask him if black lives matter.”
“Dave says he’s a ghost-writer, but he’s really just a regular writer who’s invisible to women.”
“Toby’s sort of ethnically ambiguous. People don’t even know he’s Jewish until a child describes his penis in court.”
“Dave wrote for Triumph, the Dog. And Failure, the Person.”
Both fighters are in fine form. They earn praise from the judges, and are pushed into overtime:
“Dave was an illustrator who ran a psychic hotline and had a mob family. So he overcame the odds to be boring as fuck.”
“Toby’s so boring, women fall asleep before his roofies kick in. Toby’s favorite movie is ‘Apollo 13.’ It combines his love of space travel and his love of things that are 13.”
“I don’t know what makes Dave cum. I just know it’s horrifying.”
Toby takes it in double overtime, but both fighters hold their heads high with one of the most impressive fights in recent memory.
Just like that, we’re at our final battle, a three-round throwdown between Leah Kayajanian and Caesar Lizardo!
“I want to join your gay boat cruise.” – Mike Lawrence
“Caesar looks like he’s going to a gender reveal party.” – Kim Congdon
Caesar reveals he’s expecting a baby daughter, which is really chilling news if you think about it, but before we can get too bummed out Leah joins him onstage, and we’re into round one:
“You look like you display your empty cologne bottles on a lit-up shelf in your living room.”
“I’d like to address the elephant trunk in the room. Leah looks like she’s always telling a lie. Her nose is so big when she floats on her back, people think there’s a shark in the water.”
“Thank you, Spring Break Drake.”
“You’re welcome, Sandra Bulldyke.”
“Caesar told me he went to the same school as Earl Skakel, which makes sense, since that’s his best credit.”
“Leah’s a huge Foo Fighters fan. She named her dog Dave Grohl so that she could say she fucked Dave Grohl.”
“Caesar used to be a fat kid. He lost the weight but we all still wish there was less of him.”
“Leah’s kind of manly. She looks like he favorite pizza topping is extra testosteroni.”
Mike Lawrence is very upset at Caesar’s shark act-out and casts his vote to Leah out of spite. The Luis J. Gomez vote goes to Caesar for his Dave Grohl joke. Cory Charron goes Leah as well, and Kim follows suit. With Leah up one, we move into round two:
“You look like the DJ at a Fast and Furious premier party. Caesar told me he wants to own a nightclub. I was like, ‘I know, I can see you.’ If I was to guess your next three career moves by looking at you…”
“Leah’s from Oklahoma, where she spent most of her time being the state bird. She’s really dangerous around airplanes, not because she’s brown, but because she can get sucked into a jet engine. Ironically, the only way you can catcall Leah is with a dog whistle. Just kidding, you can also go “CAW CAW CAW!”
Mike is infuriated by Caesar’s reliance on act-outs and bird references:
“You’re the Transformers movies of Roast Battle. It didn’t work before, why the fuck are you still doing it?” – Mike Lawrence
The judges all agree, turning on Caesar. He’s on shaky footing as we step into the third round:
“Leah looks like she can always smell what the Rock is cooking.”
“Caesar looks like he has four ‘Wedding Crashers’ quotes on his Facebook page. Also, CAESAR HAS FOUR ‘WEDDING CRASHERS’ QUOTES ON HIS FACEBOOK PAGE.”
“It’s a great fucking movie. It’s weird that she goes by Princess Leia because I heard her pussy is super hairy and goes (shitty Chewbacca impression).”
“Caesar, you look like the dude the gang sends out to get lattes.”
“Leia exclusively dates comics, because her tits are Flappers and her pussy is the Ice House.”
“Caesar’s not concerned about Trump’s immigration plan, because roaches can scale walls.”
“That’s okay, that’s just how she bombed on Comedy Central.”
“At least I got on Comedy Central.”
Caesar gets a stern talking to for his goofball antics, but also gets some begrudging respect for his writing skills as well. Ultimately, Leah wins the battle, and so ends another night of bloodshed and carnage.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.