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I had an interesting perspective for the show this week. Jay Light (6-3, 6) is out barely surviving the mean streets of the Big Apple, so I dove into the streaming fray with Periscope! It was pretty fun. I mean Jen Sterger (1-1, 49) was getting in my way the whole time and I think I did permanent damage to the joints in my hand but I would stream again! Jen’s stream did help with the writing of this recap. The real takeaway was the thirst of dudes on the streams. It just didn’t stop. Jen’s was full of “JEN UR SO HOT” and people introducing themselves for some reason. My stream through the Roast Battle twitter account was filled with stuff like ‘TRYIN TO F OLIVIA GRACE”. Quite the range, guys. Most everyone had a great moment in the show. Except Dean Delray, who is still trying to set up a joke.

“Dean, it’s a good thing you’re here to give the crowd a break between people saying funny things.” – Dom Irrera, when he wasn’t saying the n-word or complaining about the room temperature.

The return of the Roastmaster didn’t disappoint despite mixing up the battlers in the Main Event. Hey, sometimes you eat a pot brownie and forget what white guy is which. Tony Hinchcliffe, (1-1, 4HR) was flaming on fire every time Moses gave him a chance.

“That first undercard was like Moses’ eyeballs because one of them was lazy as fuck.

“Earl has thousands of dollars in his bank account and hundreds of pounds on his lap.”

“Let’s give it up for Jason Reitman, director of Juno! And keep it going for Jeff Ross, owner of a Jew Nose!”

That’s just a small sample of Tony’s best showing as a judge thus far. No one was safe whenever he had the mic and he crushed Olivia Grace (3-0,13) all night. He made like 7 jokes about her weight but I could only remember one because I was laughing and streaming so hard. It’s too bad this Tony wasn’t around to face Jesus Trejo (3-0, 1HR) way back when, right? I imagine an unexpecting Olivia Grace is less of a challenge than a fellow headliner. I would say go after someone your own size but Olivia’s got like four and a half inches on the Golden Pony. Oh well. Maybe those were all the jokes Ashley Barnhill (6-0, 3) didn’t want to use against Olivia.

Alriiiight! On to some reviews bruh!

Our first undercard had Joey Barone (1-0, 44) making short work of Shaelen Bowers (0-1, 96)!

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Not an even matchup but still a fun battle! The friend chem kind of saved Shaelen from a total bomb. Joey looks like he just woke up but that’s fair because he probably could have won in his sleep. Shaelen was a gracious loser and he didn’t totally shit the bed but his jokes lacked punching power. 

SHAELEN ON JOEY

“Joey is kind of a medical anomaly, doctors didn’t know if it was humanly possible to have eyes that close together and NOT have Down’s Syndrome.”

Joey finally answers the question what would Dave Franco look like if he were just a little bit gayer.”

Moses made a “Franco family” quip about Joey in the intros but that didn’t stop Shaelen from going back to that well. Take note future roasters…if someone does your bit then do a different bit. Joey, on the other hand, made Moses question who wrote his jokes.

JOEY ON SHAELEN

“Shaelan says he wanted to do the battle because he idolizes the great Greg Giraldo. He IS a lot like Greg. He hasn’t had sex or or booked a show in the last 5 years.”

“Shaelan actually has a tattoo for the band AFI, which stands for ‘A Fire Inside’. Which is exactly what his mom tried to start in her pussy when she found she was pregnant with him.”

Both of these jokes were room-rockers that inspired some incredible act-outs from the Wave. There was a fire inside the Belly Room Tuesday night and it was started by Joseph Barone. #kaboom

This battle gets ? ? / ? ? ? but it just barely makes it to two.

And in our Main Event, Pat Barker, (4-1, 8) outlasted Toby Muresianu (2-2, 41)!

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“If someone makes fun of my wife or my cat, I might lose it.”-Pat, during his intro.

“Fuck this guy’s cat!”-Toby, during his intro.

Now this is where we needed a #thatshowyouroastbattle. This was punch for punch, one of the best battles we’ve ever had. Jeff Ross has developed a mysterious scoring system that almost gave Toby the technical victory. He might have been right had too. This was a serious clash of roasting titans and roasting styles. Toby’s jokes and plain, matter-of-fact delivery landed almost every joke.

TOBY ON PAT

“You look like you’d beat your wife if it weren’t exercise.”

“Pat works the graveyard shift, so he can spend time with his career.”

“Pats wife is also fat, so its a shame sex marriage.”

“Pat’s so generic he just got signed by Kirkland Signature.”

Toby was like the quick, agile fighter who attacks in a flurry. Pat was the dense powerhouse who took the punches and countered with haymakers so vicious they incited the Wave into a white-bread spewing human centipede.

PAT ON TOBY

“You’re about to see Toby get whipped so hard, by the end of the battle he’ll be swearing his name is Kunta Kinte.”

“Toby’s really struggled since moving to LA. You’re like Aaron Hernandez, you killed a couple of times in Boston and now your career is over.”

“Hey, that was two jokes. You handled that like a true Boston comic. It was a marathon and it ended in a bombing.”-mega comeback

“Toby’s bio is a bunch of self congratulating bullshit. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen a pussy put itself on a pedestal.”

Pat was frothing at the mouth when the joke-off was announced. He jumped at the chance to hit Toby right in the mouth and there was no looking back. Toby’s immediate disappointment in his last joke was apparent and Moses lifted Pat’s arm to a shiny, new 4-1 record. 

This battle roared to a full  ? ? ? ? ?  /  ? ? ? ? ? flame emojis from the bell and didn’t stop till a 4th round!

A lot of jokes could have won JOTN. Joey could have won. A bunch of Toby’s could have. It should probably go to Pat’s comeback, which had the biggest reaction from the room. But specificity and originality rule the roost here at JOTN.

JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“You’re about to see Toby get whipped so hard, by the end of the battle he’ll be swearing his name is Kunta Kinte.”

See you next week, folks.

I am 39-23 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff. 

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