Man, it’s good to have Jeff Ross back. Even with this new ‘Walter Weight” look he has going on. Every battle is worth seeing live. But when Jeff is in the building, things just seem to pop. That’s probably a nod to our fearless leader, Brian Moses, perfecting this Tuesday night roller coaster a little more every week. The battles were so hot that Jeff removed his shirt, Randy Sklar had to rehydrate and Theo Von fanned himself off like a true southern belle. They’ll only get better as the weather cools down and it’s not one thousand degrees in the Belly Room. Despite heat coming from every possible angle, Troy Conrad still manages to portray the show as one of beauty, grace and relentless entertainment.
“I’d like to make a request.” – Sarah Tiana (4-0, 1HR)
“Sure, anything.” – Pat Regan
“Tennis Shoes.” – Sarah
“I don’t know that one.” – Pat
“It’s not a song. I’m requesting you wear tennis shoes.” – Sarah
Out of context, this could seem strange. But you can trust that it crushed.
Jeff Richards and Kyle Shire, oozing passion before they go on tour. Seriously, these are just a glimpse into the photographic talents of one Mr. Troy Conrad. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram to see all of his work.
Tonight is the night! We roast genius! Head down to Meltdown Comics around 630 to see history’s favorite genius get roasted! Roast Battle favorites Keith Carey (5-2, 7), Dani Fernandez (1-1, 61) and Matt Broussard (0-1, 100) are on the lineup! Rye Silverman and Solomon Georgio will also be there. Reserve a seat now!
Alright, let’s get to the gd reviews!
The first undercard had Matt Cole (1-2, 90) totally redeeming himself against Erik Wargo (0-1, 115)!
Alright, maybe Matt didn’t totally redeem himself. His last two battles were pretty bad. But he did a great job of recognizing his failures in his previous attempts and improving for this one. His jokes were funny, to the point, and he had a comeback that probably sealed the win for him.
“Erik likes to dress up in cosplay as Professor X. Which makes sense since they both can’t do standup.”
“You have the face of a Nazi and the body of an Auschwitz Jew.”
“Erik, I might be fat. But at least it doesn’t take an entire improv team to carry my weight on stage.”
That’s what I call a “Wave mover”. This really was a fun battle. There were no bombs. The crowd was hot and the side shows, the Haters and the Wave, were having a blast and crushing it whenever they got the mic. Erik had good jokes! They just weren’t enough.
“Matt Cole’s never gonna make it big unless IT…is a sandwich.”
“Matt gives me a lot of shit for doing improv but you should see him “yes and” at Chipotle.”
“Matt is so racist he has “Resting Black Face’.”
Earl Skakel (3-1, 14) loved that joke. Can’t wait to see him roast!
This battle juuuuust misses the three ? rating. But ? ? / ? ? ? ain’t bad! #meatloaf #doyougetthereference
In the next undercard, Jeanne Whitney (3-0, 23) took down Tom Goss (2-2, 47)!
Is Moses wearing a Mama Whitney shirt? Is Jeanne’s real mom Barbara Streisand? Find out next week on Roast Battle! The answer is actually “no” to both. Great battle! It was so good Moses and Earl kissed at the end, settling months and months of sexual tension. Earl has kissed like seven people through the course of the show and countless others under the guise of helping their career. Tom admittedly flubbed one of his jokes but the rest were really funny. If not for the bomb, we might have seen a joke-off.
TOM ON JEANNE
“Jeanne applies makeup by headbutting clowns.”
“When Jeanne’s not doing comedy, she rents out her chin as a bike ramp.”
The strange thing about his jokes is that he would deliver them, then the crowd would catch up and give the joke the reaction it deserved. He bombed once though. Jeanne was consistent the whole way and that was the difference.
JEANNE ON TOM
“Tom Goss looks like he just got cast as Chris Farley’s dead body.”
“Tom Goss looks like the type of guy that would shoot up a school if it didn’t take so much exercise.”
? ? / ? ? ? is what I rate this! Jeanne? It’s time for a Main Event.
The final undercard was Adam Feuerberg (2-0, 47) defeating Jeff Sewing (1-1, 84)!
This was a really fun battle. The battlers made some poor outfit choices but wardrobe is not on the grading scale we use over here at the report.
“Nice cuffed shirt. Where’d you get you outfit? Ross Dress for Less pussy?” – Jeff to Adam
Great pre-joke Jeff but you two are wearing almost the same thing. Old Navy pattern Denim. Glasses and a watch. It’s the “husband in a green card marriage” starter kit. Undercards are tricky beasts. You get five jokes at the absolute max to get the crowd on your side. Comebacks are crucial, as we learned in Matt Cole’s battle. A well-placed comeback can win an entire match for you. So can an excellent joke, as Jeff did with the Disney one.
JEFF ON ADAM
“You look like the kind of Jew (that) Walt Disney would draw.”
“I’ve never seen you this dressed up. You look like the possum that does all the other possums taxes.”
Both of these jokes got huge reactions from the crowd. Adam had well-written jokes but they weren’t mean or bigoted enough. The less racial or religious background you opponent has, the harder it is to roast them.
ADAM ON JEFF
“Jeff you survived a murder attempt from you own father. You owe your life to the fact that failure runs in your family.”
“In high school you were a successful hip-hop dancer. Now you look like a white hip-hop dancer’s racist father.”
Congrats Jeff! Another ? ? / ? ? ? kind of fight!
And in another fantastic Main Event, Leah Kayajanian (2-2, 28) and Olivia Grace (4-1, 7) ended in a draw.
This doesn’t happen often. A tie. A draw. No winners here except for the entire fucking room. I don’t want to keep declaring battles as “the best” like I did with Alex Hooper (7-1, 2) versus Keith Carey (5-2, 6) last week. But our last two Main Events really set the standard for what Roast Battle is all about. It’s great comedians writing excellent jokes for a frothing crowd that’s ready to explode. These jokes are crazy mean too. You know the things that got said to you in elementary school? The wildly accurate insults that only kids can come up with that make you cry in bed? Just me? Whatevs. Well that traumatizing childhood experience is a sport now. It’s called Roast Battle and this Main Event was as mean and entertaining as it gets.
LEAH ON OLIVIA
“Olivia’s mom pays her rent because it’s lower than her grocery bill.”
“A few people told me I shouldn’t make fun of Olivia’s weight, but hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. And then stay out, for like more than a couple minutes.”
“Who did your lipstick? You, or the chimp they tested it on?”
“You look like your pussy secretes clinical depression.”
“You had a cocaine habit, a DUI, and you suffer from depression – it looks like you’ve had every rich white girl problem except for anorexia.”
HOLY FUH. The chimp joke could be the best joke I have ever heard at Roast Battle. I had to leave my seat, gather myself, and get ready for the next joke. It spawned a few minutes of roast battle improv between the Haters and the judges. That joke is the reason we roast. Now, how about Olivia’s jokes?
OLIVIA ON LEAH
"Leah you bird-faced twat, I would be skinny too if I had to regurgitate everything to feed my young.”
“Leah plays softball. She has a collection of bats. If you don’t believe me, you can fuck her and watch them fly out of her pussy.”
“Leah’s fucked a lot of comics. The only thing more horny than Leah is the goat her dad tried to sell her for.”
“Leah’s retarded brother shot himself, it’s too bad his helmet wasn’t bullet proof.”
“Leah’s dad had Parkinson’s, which means her shaky writing is hereditary.”
Ok wtf. So, so good. Jeff Ross was right when he said the second round was a perfect round. There were no bombs. They both had fun on stage which lets the audience have fun despite jokes like the “retarded brother” and “depression pussy” making us question humanity. It was gonna be hard to top last week’s battle. I don’t know if this one did but it game damn close. If anything, we know who the early favorites for ‘Battle of the Year” are.
? ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? and it almost got a seventh ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Who did your lipstick? You, or the chimp they tested it on?” – Leah Kayajanian
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Leah plays softball. She has a collection of bats. If you don’t believe me, you can fuck her and watch them fly out of her pussy.“ – Olivia
I am 52-34 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.