by Jay Light
The revolution is going to be televised. But this past Tuesday, in the attic where the revolution began, the bar for what Roast Battle is capable of was raised another notch.
The leader of this comedy revolt, Brian Moses, takes to the stage and spends no time whipping the crowd into a frenzy loud enough for Louis C.K. to hear as his show wraps up downstairs. He’s one of the only comics who’s managed to avoid checking in to the Belly Room’s VIP balcony. Though when you have a show this good, who needs another plain ol’ white guy in the room?
The first battlers of the night, Nicole Becannon (0-1, Unranked) and Felicia Folkes (1-0, Unranked), take the stage, their nerves showing through plastered-on smiles. As soon as they spit their first jokes, they prove to themselves there’s no need for nerves:
“Felicia has a special place in her heart for her one full sister, nine half-siblings, and all Quarter Pounders.”
“Before I met Nicole, I didn’t know lazy eye could spread all over your whole face.”
“Felicia’s never been laid. There might be more ash in her pussy than on her elbows.”
“I may be a virgin, but at least I didn’t get fucked by genetics.”
“I axed a lot of jokes that weren’t good enough for this battle. Clearly Felicia didn’t because the only thing she’ll ax is you a question.”
“Nicole goes to UCLA, but her eyes go to community college.”
It’s about as dynamite of a debut as any new battler could ask for, with almost every joke bringing the Wave out of their seats. The judges offer both girls their fair share of praise:
“Nicole, your jokes were very well structured, but the subtlety of ‘lazy eye that is spread all over your face?’ That’s an observation of humanity. That’s beautiful.” – Guy Branum
“Felicia, I loved your genetics joke. I haven’t seen a joke that good since Tommy tried to add himself to Mitzi’s will.” – Shawn Pelofsky
In the end, Felicia takes the victory by a nose, kicking off one of the best nights Roast Battle has seen in 2016. (???/???)
Next on the fight card: Leah Lamarr (1-0, Unranked) and Christina Myers Hepburn (0-1, Unranked).
“For some reason, I feel like this battle started at a roller derby rink.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“Or a Whitesnake video.” – Shawn Pelofsky
“Is it Bring Your Embarrassing Stepmom To Work Day?” – Hater Keith Carey
Our own Earl Skakel once said there’s no one who’s got it harder in the Roast Battle ring than a beautiful woman, and this bout proved him right. Leah seemed poised and prepared, while Christina, hand rarely leaving her jean jacket pocket, collapsed like a house of cards in a tornado. She couldn’t even form an answer when Moses asked her how she knew Leah. At best, her jokes could be described as abstract. At worst, they could be described as violently unfunny.
“Leah used to work in finance…doing bukkake.”
“Christina’s from New Orleans. She doesn’t go to church, but she did fuck all the Saints.”
“Leah’s fancy. She uses designer bags when she puts her finger down her throat.”
“Christina is half Colombian. The other half’s cut with baking soda.”
“Leah’s like a horse: great hair, sturdy legs, and tiny men ride her hard and leave her wet in a barn.”
“Christina should have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Her face is already covered in trash and cum.”
“Leah’s like the Holocaust Museum shoe pile. She’s dead inside, but always on display.”
“Christina’s pussy is like Hurricane Katrina: hundreds of black men have drowned in it.”
After the judges do some requisite shitting on these ladies’ looks, knocking Christina’s hair and Leah for looking like Janice from Friends, they turn on the obviously unprepared Christina:
“Leah, you had the only decent jokes in that entire round.” – Guy Branum
“A few of your jokes made absolutely, 100% zero sense…there’s no reason a bukkake accounting joke would make any sense, in any way. I’ve thought about it a hundred different ways. Same thing with matching the bulimia thing with the handbag. Why would she have a handbag if she was puking? Literally no sense!” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“You’re trying to apply logic to a woman who for sure cannot read.” – Hater Keith Carey
Just before Moses calls for a vote, Tony wishes the girls well at their inevitable future audition to play Monica Lewinsky.
“Can I play the cigar? – Hater Earl Skakel
No, Earl, looks like you’ve got to compete against the Wave first:
Leah wins the battle. The crowd gets schlonged. (??/???)
The final undercard, Nick Petrillo (3-1, #42) versus Jeff Amaral (1-2, Unranked), has a
giant dick hill to climb. They try their best to top the insanity we’ve already seen tonight:
“Nick, I don’t know why they call it a second chin because it’s the very first thing I see when I look at your face.”
“Jeff, you look like a hobbit who left the Shire to work at an Urban Outfitters.”
“Nick was adopted as a baby by white people who completely screwed him up. Nick, I’d say you turned out like one of Iggy Azalea’s freestyle raps, except those are funny.”
“Jeff has a tattoo that says ‘no weak moments,’ which is what his dad wishes he’d thought before he fucked his mom.”
“Before Nick got into comedy, he was in real estate. They called him The Flipper. Not because he was good at his job, but because all the women he fucked immediately became lesbians.
“Jeff, you look like a middle-aged Cabbage Patch Kid who molests other Cabbage Patch Kids.”
“Nick used to deal drugs. He sold a lot of tainted molly at crappy nightclubs. Nick, you’re responsible for more dehydrated retards than the Flint water crisis.”
“Jeff’s dad is English and German. And his mom is Danny DeVito.”
The judges lay into Jeff, whose jokes look okay on paper but came out in the wash shrunken and faded.
“You are currently losing so badly, I encourage you to ask Carly Fiorina to be your running mate.” – Guy Branum
“I want to fuck both of you guys just so I can give you the diseases I have.” – Jade Catta-Preta
Nick earns the win. (?/???)
The crowd clamors for the final match of the night: a main event battle between Toby Muresianu (5-3, #12) and Doug Fager (4-3, #15).
“This is like the battle of the Yachting Club.” – Hater Earl Skakel
“It’s the battle of a man with no personality versus a man with no chin.” – Hater Keith Carey
A battle for the ages unfolds as two of Roast Battle’s whitest competitors go joke-for-joke in a three round massacre. All targets are hit, from Toby’s creepy looks to Doug’s dead brother.
“Toby’s a political comedian. Which is why he’s only funny once every four years.”
“Doug’s moving back to Wisconsin to manage a Chili’s. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
“Toby’s so boring he date rapes women using small talk.”
“Doug doesn’t keep track of how many women he’s slept with. The courts do it for him.”
“Toby has degrees in psychology and computer science. Because how else will he create a robot to love him?”
“Doug’s last battle was this morning, with the clerk who wouldn’t let him buy vodka with food stamps.
“Toby, you chubby autistic. If your body were a temple, it would be Temple Grandin.”
“Doug would make a mold of his penis, but his dick couldn’t get cast in anything either.”
“Toby has a thousand yard stare because legally that’s as close as he can come to an elementary school.”
“I look like I could be Doug’s brother, which is great because I hear there’s an opening.”
“Toby, you look like the type of vegetarian that still likes to watch animals die.”
“Women should watch their drinks around Doug. Because he’ll drink them and then rape you the old fashioned way.”
“Toby has a dad bod and a ‘dad, what are you doing in my room?’ face.”
Toby wins in regulation, with the duo’s darkness being praised by all parties:
“What fun rape accusations!” – Guy Branum
“I like both these niggas!” – Deon Cole
“I love it any time anyone goes for anybody’s dead brother.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“You guys have something in common. You both know what it’s like to bury one of the Fager boys.” – Hater Keith Carey
Though the judges unanimously agree that Doug faltered in round three while Toby shined through, Doug proved that he still had some fight in him by taking on the Golden Pony himself:
“Doug, you’ve been through a lot, with your brother dying and everything, and for him to still be haunting you like this…out of all the jokes you did tonight, the only person rolling was your brother, in his grave.”
“Tony shouldn’t be so mean. My brother was the only person who saw his Netflix special.”
“I’m just kidding. Nobody saw Tony’s Netflix special.”
Doug drops the mic and the audience collectively drops their jaws.
“I’ve never seen a loser win so hard.” – Moses
In the end, Toby gets the win, but it’s yet another night that proves the whole point of Roast Battle: come hard with your best jokes, and you’re gonna walk out feeling like a winner no matter what happens in the ring.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.