It’s Tuesday night, and we got piping hot helpings of straight fire battles for ya! Tonight is a special night where battle rappers will take on roast battlers for ultimate shit-talking glory. That’s right, diss tracks will come to life tonight! Will it be as exciting as the beef between Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly? Let’s talk about it. Before we get into the matchups, let’s get to know our judges.
You know our first judge from Chelsea Lately, @midnight and Girl Code, Jessimae Peluso. Our next judge is featured in the new Eminem produced battle rap movie Bodied, Corey Charron. Who could forget Corey Charron’s debut at Roast Battle when he outshined Jamar Neighbors in a stellar first fight. Tonight, Charron is angling for his King of the Dot bretheren to come out on top, so let’s see how they fare. Here to bridge the divide is a man who loves roasts and rap, the Roastmaster General Jeff Ross.
First up, we have a double-virgin sacrifice with Daniel Dominguez taking on Evan Wronzy.
I couldn’t find too much information on either of these dudes. Daniel Dominguez is apparently from Anaheim and part of a group of rappers called Struggle Ent. The “Ent.” presumably stands for entertainment, but we’ll be the judge of that tonight. Evan Wronzy has the online presence of a serial killer. That is to say, none. There’s not even a picture that could be confirmed to be either one of them. So tonight we’ll finally see the faces of these faceless punks, as they get verbally violent.
Next up, experienced battler (and eater) Dylan Sullivan goes gut-to-gut with Digits.
I genuinely believe this will be a good battle. Dylan Sullivan is so likeable you can’t help but smile looking at him. Try it, it’s really hard. Look at his chubby cheeks. He’s adorable. Digits, on the other hand, looks like if ET joined a gang. After watching a few of his battles online, I’ve come to two conclusions. 1. Digits is actually pretty funny. 2. Digits is a terrible rapper. I’m going to make a specific prediction that Digits will call Dylan gay at some point and Dylan will say something to the effect of, “Yeah, I am gay. So what?” All in all, this match up has the makings of a fun fight.
Smack-dab in the middle of the card, Isaac Hirsch will contend with the unpredictability of Psycoses.
It’s totally insane that Psycoses’ name is plural. He’s not just crazy, he’s multiple kinds of crazy. Maybe he has multiple personalities and they’re all crazy. Psychoses hails from Green Valley, California. That’s fucking psychotic! Isaac Hirsch is simply one of the best joke writers in the game. He writes smart, clever, concise jokes. This battle lacks the likeability of the previous contest, but has the potential to be just as fun. Expect a lot of gay nerd jokes in this one. I give the edge to Isaac, but that of course depends on Psychoses’ mental health during the bout. I just hope it doesn’t get too wild. Isaac looks fragile.
In the penultimate contest, Vodka Gravas throws down with bartender Caesar Lizardo.
Vodka Gravas roughly translates to fermented potato of great importance. We’ll see if this important potato can roast. Caesar Lizardo had a disastrous performance imitating a rapper (or something) in his last battle, but has had many high-quality performances in the past. I can almost guarantee Vodka will make a joke about how Caesar looks like broke Drake. Caesar is well suited to face off with a battle rapper because he always brings a lot of energy, which is what we’ve seen from battle rappers in the past. The stakes couldn’t be higher, as this is a “loser-gets-deported” match.
In the final battle, Uno Lavoz steps into the Thunderdome with roast legend Alex Hooper.
I’m not sure why all these battle rappers sound like Mexican wrestlers, but hopefully they’ll be just as thrilling as Lucha Libre. I know that Lavos is the final boss in Chrono Trigger and Uno is a card game. The interesting about Uno Lavos is that in addition to battle rapping, he’s also done a little stand-up comedy. Alex Hooper was seen on the last season of America’s Got Talent roasting the judges. He was booed by the crowd and praised by Simon Cowell. The spectacle has earned him some attention online and a reputation for being a fearless roast comic. He often battles in flamboyant outfits as a high-status character, exhibiting a combination of creative joke-writing and fantastic antics. Uno Lavos has potential as a comedian and plenty of experience as a performer. We’re all looking forward to what is sure to be an enthralling high-wire act of a battle.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.