Well, the holiday season is in full swing and in the spirit of charity we have a belt-loosening (or tightening, depending on depression level) night full of six servings of battles.
First up we have Jamario McClain versus Robert Zapata. I love the name Jamario McClain because it sounds like Bruce Willis’s bi-racial son in a Die Hard reboot about blowing up white privilege: “Die Hard 6: With Acceptance.” Anywhooo, in his last battle he had a solid showing in a loss against Mimi Pabon, so I’m excited to see the vengeance he brings against Roast Battle virgin Robert Zapata. Now when I think of “Zapata,” I think of turn-of-the-century Mexican revolutionary, Emiliano Zapata. Oh, you don’t? That’s cuz you’re an idiot. He’s got the name… but is he as funny?
Our second battle is a virgin suicide between first-timers Caroline Georges and Ryan Joseph. Caroline is a stripper/comedian, which I would rather see on a card than actor/comedian any day. On the Island of Misfit Toys that is the Comedy Store (Credit: Amy Hawthorne) she is certainly damaged enough to be funny, but is she funny enough to be funny? Who knows? But it will never cost less to see her on stage. Her opponent is Ryan Joseph, I don’t know where Ryan is from, but it looks like the opioid crisis hit there the hardest. I assume Ryan Joseph has a fuckin’ weird real last name and just uses his middle name to make things easy, and with myself having a not so easy last name, I can’t respect that. PROVE ME WRONG, Ryan Joseph! This one looks like fun.
Next up an exciting matchup between Belly Room regulars Sarah Fatemi versus Tim McGorry. Tim was last seen in a loss to rising Belly Room star Deirdre Devlin, so he knows and is the gravity of the situation. Tim brings a lot of charm to the stage so let’s see if that’s enough against Sarah, who has flashed brilliance in wins against the likes of Digits and the aforementioned Deirdre Devlin. These are the battles that get this writer hyped: people who are quickly moving past potential and into potent writers.
It’s always exciting having first-timers battle because it will either be surprisingly great or a total piece of car crash dog shit that we get to gawk at as we wonder if their confidence will get out alive: Jessica Inserra versus Gianmarco Soresi. It’s the classic matchup of East Coast gay Italian female vs East Coast straight Italian male. This battle is SO Italian… that it has a rich and storied history in art, literature, and cuisine. But will it be good gravy or will we fuggedaboutit? Will Jessica “massacre my boy” or will Gianmarco make Jessica “watch the hair!”? Or will I get a letter from the Italian Anti-Defamation League? We will find out.
Rounding out the night is the first of two main events: Julian Fernandez versus Deirdre Devlin. These two bring the fun and the raw to every battle they take. In one of Julian’s most recent battles he came out as non-binary, which I think means he can manipulate the Matrix now. Either way, I support him. Julian gets better every battle and his battles have been pretty damn good. Deirdre, on the other hand, is unabashed fun. She’s like the color yellow…she stands out, she’s bold, and when it works…it really works.
Closing out we have Greg Roque versus Josh Waldron. Greg has quickly moved into the echelon of elite battlers while Josh is like a journeyman boxer that you don’t want to fight because he might lay you out. We can expect top-notch joke writing, killer rebuttals, off the cuff fun, and two real pros. Here is to a great fight night, sports fans.