And we have arrived! A single elimination Roast Battle tournament! Just look at that bracket, packed to the brim with the best roasters we have. Might as well go over the rules? They’re still undercards so it will be one round but they’ll go for 5-7 jokes instead of the usual 3-5. It’s single elimination so once they’re out, they’re out. There may be some sort of backup situation applied, in case a battler can’t make a future round, but we’ll roast that bridge when we get there. The championship round will take place at some time in January, at a venue that reflects the magnitude of such a final match. We should have the online interactive tournament on the site soon but for now, you can send your picks to me and I’ll keep track. I’m also going to have a limited number printed out for some to fill out and keep. You only get one so if you lose it or try to cheat, you’re screwed. The winner of the tournament gets a prize from the Comedy Store. If you can honestly prove to me you honestly picked a perfect bracket, I’ll give you a spot on my next Hella Show. Messaging me your picks on Facebook/email or filling out a bracket before the battles start are perfect ways to prove your picks. I take this tournament and my show very seriously, so only a legitimate perfect bracket will win it for me. Good luck to roasters and bracketeers alike!
We’ll close with an unused Troy Conrad gem from last week.
“If I told you half the things I’ve heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you’d probably short circuit” – C-3PO to R2, in a veiled reference to Keith Carey’s Star Wars character.
And now…a preview?
Aww! How presh! Sklar pups! Is it just me or do they look like they have mustaches for eyebrows? More at 11. You all know the deal with these two. They’re the best judges we have and they have the Roastie to prove it. Here’s to hoping they stay true to form and show up for all five battles.
Well look what we have here! The former ladies champ, Ashley Barnhill (6-1, 10) makes her judges table debut! Ashley has been on absolute fire lately, headlining across the country, performing at the Oddball Comedy tour and, as you can see here, she made her first @midnight appearance! The show must always go on but I’d be wrong if I said Roast Battle was the same without her. She hasn’t roasted in awhile but she always stated how much she loved the art form. She hasn’t been back since her last loss so she’ll be ready. Hell hath no fury like a woman roasted.
Super stoked to welcome Don Barris back to the judges table! Don is one of my favorite people around the Comedy Store. He’s always got a smile on and is one of the funniest, most honest people in the joint. Can’t wait to hear what he has to say about the battlers, both new and old.
Our first undercard pits a Roast Battle virgin, Vanessa Gritton (0-0, UR) against izzy Salhani (1-0, 81)!
This will be a good one. Vanessa hasn’t been in the ring yet but is a funny comedian. She has prophetic thoughts on animal consumption which lead me to side with her. Izzy dominated her last opponent Paul Elia (0-2, 156) in her debut. She had great jokes and a collected stage presence that won the heart of the crowd, almost instantly. Vanessa has the chops to win in her debut but rookies don’t often beat Roast Battle veterans. The pic is Izzy. Fa shizzy. #yikes
In the second undercard, Michael Monsour (1-0, 36) puts on the gloves against Kenny Lion (1-0, 110)!
Last time we saw Michael, he has as good a Roast Battle debut as anyone could have. He undressed his opponent with jokes both hilarious and mean. After his closer, he dropped the mic and left the room. Upon his return, he planted a wet one on the lips of his adversary, Stamati A. (0-1, 132). He perfectly embodied the pro wrestling spirit of Roast Battle. Kenny? Well hell, none of us might be here if not for the little guy. His initial beef with Josh Martin (0-2, 150) is what planted the seed for one of the best shows in the country. Though Kenny’s roast blood runs deep, I can’t envision him emerging victorious.
In the first tourney undercard, Keith Carey (5-2, 6) squares up against Stuart Thompson (4-2, 8)!
SO. PUMPED. Quite the battle to kick off this Roast Battle Royale! Keith is shown here at the new “Burn Booth” show while Stuart is pictured accidentally, as are most of his photos. Keith leaves his reinforced seat at the Haters table and will provide hefty competition for Stu. He has his Haters table reps backing him up and he’ll need it because he is a mountain of a person and roasting material. It’s tough to pick these tourney battles. It’s crazy one of these guys is getting eliminated this early but such is the process of the Committee. I’ll pick Keith to move on.
Our second tournament undercard has Jerron Horton (4-3, 11) taking on Doug Fager (3-1, 15)!
Wow, I’ve never seen a dead man do comedy. Like Rocky did one too many times, Doug Fager comes out of retirement to step into the ring once more. His last loss came at the hands of Jay Light (7-4, 4) and it was a “Loser Leaves Town” match, apparently. You can listen to Doug talk about walking away from stand-up and leaving the door open for a return here. Jerron may have a few more losses but that can happen when compete more and don’t quit. Jerron’s roast jokes are always brutally clever. He also has never quit, so that’s nice. Look for Jerron to win, making Doug’s return as quick as he was when he ejaculated while making out with a girl.
Our Main Event places Brendan Cooney (1-1, 57) in the ring against John Mitchell (1-1, 46)!
This battle should pop off, despite the impression their pictures give. It has the benefit of feeding off the night’s energy and featuring two great battlers. Both are coming off close losses, so you know they’ll be battling with something to prove. Brendan barely lost to the great Pedro Salinas (1-0, 35) and John was crushed by Ali Macofsky (1-0, 34). Read about those and other great fight nights in the archive! This will be the first Main Event for these two, so it’ll be interesting to see the change in strategy. Battlers past, including myself, can make the mistake of using up all their good jokes before the third round. Both have proven to be worthy competitors but Brendan should take this in three.
I am 58-39 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow pod sponsor Living Extracts on Twitter and IG. Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.