photos by Troy Conrad

The energy in the room tonight is pure fun. On the judges’ table is Sam Jay, Jamar Neighbors, Rick Glassman and Jeff Ross. Sam and Jamar perfectly balance each other the whole night. Jamar is wild, Sam is calm and cool, and both are hilarious. Rick Glassman is being his goofy-self, doing a Bourne Identity themed bit the entire night. Jeff ends up in the wave somehow. First, the night kicks off with Rob Smallwood and Alister Konrath. Rob and Alister seem ready to go, even though they don’t have much experience battling. The judges have not arrived yet, but the crowd is ready. Rob starts.

“Rob played semi-pro football and was really, really fast. Unfortunately, he wasn’t fast enough to catch his mom as she ran out on him.”

“Alister is not well known in the comedy community; actually, Tig Nataro’s Breast Cancer has more credits than this guy.”

“There’s a lot of pressure on Rob tonight- from his family- to not let the white man beat him, But who am I to fuck with tradition?”

“Alister has the face of a guy that has one beer and then brings up that he sucked a dick one time in college.”

“Rob’s old girlfriend had a miscarriage at 3 months. It’s sad, but true, right? But apparently, 3 months of Rob’s comedy is all that kid could take.”

“The one thing I know about Alister is that he was hit on his bike a year back and received a settlement. He then took that settlement and bought hair plugs. It’s just unfortunate that he only had enough to make him look like the middle picture in the hair restoration process.”

Rob starts swagging out. After Alister’s second joke he says, “take a look in the mirror, that’s what it looks like to bomb,” in reference to his opening line of the battle where Rob had a similar line. The judges have not arrived yet for this one, but Moses turns to Pat Barker, who lingers in the back.

“I like Rob in this one. I like that he didn’t face the crowd. I’ve never seen anyone roast at a 45-degree angle before.” – Pat Barker

Rob’s jokes did hit harder than Alister’s and the win is obviously his, though to Alister’s credit he in no way got destroyed. Rob takes the win in a solid battle that kicks off the night and these two fine young gentlemen’s Roast Battle careers. After a block of stand up, we move into the general fight card. John Fahy and Aaron Pita take the stage. There is a struggle over who should go first; everyone in the crowd wants “the white guy.” Aaron starts:

“Guys, the first place John got kicked out of for drinking too much was his mother’s womb.”

“Thank you, bisexual Street Fighter character. Aaron loves drugs you guys, he believes in them for all types of reasons. For instance, right now he’s taking steroids so he can carry the woman he roofies.”

“Congratulations, because I heard your last set got you Just For Laughs… just four.”

“Thank you, Dolph Lundgren in a Britney Spears mask. It looks like you’re transitioning into a woman, but stopped after surgery on your face.”

“John does so much blow that my gums go numb whenever I suck His girlfriends dick.”

“I love you Aaron, and I’m so grateful to you for taking time off of your very demanding position of racism’s personal trainer.”

Sam Jay is the only judge here for this battle, she didn’t really see it, but she loves Aaron’s “Nazi nose.” If you’re not sure what that is, that’s because Sam made it up! The crowd can’t decide on these two. One more joke is called for as Jamar Neighbors shows up.

“Most of you know that John’s parents died of partying, but what you don’t know is that he kept the legacy alive because when he had to identify their bodies, he snorted up the outlines of chalk.”

“Aaron is very concerned about my parents. I don’t know why when his parents are the Third Reich in the gay agenda.”

These two jokes don’t really convey the energy that the rest of this battle has, and unfortunately for these two that’s all Sam and Jamar have heard so far.

 

“It felt like when I go to a dinner party at my white friend’s house and their parents get in a fight and it’s like, they fighting, but I don’t know why… whatever, I’ll go with Nazi nose again.” – Sam Jay

Our third judge and Roastmaster, Jeff Ross shows up to the judge’s table.

“I missed the battle, I feel bad. Neither of them won by the looks on their faces.” – Jeff Ross

This battle is decent and these two are on their way. John put up a good fight, but in the end, the crowd chooses Aaron “Nazi Nose” Pita. The fourth and final judge, Rick Glassman arrives as we move into the second undercard of the night, Brian McDaniel versus Casey Moran. After some shaky introductions, Moses turns to Jeff to see who he likes before the battle gets started.

“Nobody… These two look like they just rolled out of each other’s beds.” – Jeff Ross

Brian begins:

“Casey looks like the sad inner child that Artie Lange was trying to stab over and over again.”

“Brian has a podcast that’s so bad that before Eric Garner said “I can’t breathe,” he said, “I can’t listen.”

“If we’re talking about podcasts, Casey has a podcast talking about depression but he has to use all wireless mics cause the cables are too tempting.”

“Brian drives a Chevy Cruze…..and he’s a faggot.”

“Everyone’s worried Casey’s gonna eat a bullet, but it would be the smallest meal he’s eaten in a long time.”

“Brian’s wife is the head of daytime TV at CBS, Brian can’t get a part-time job at CVS.”

Brian had the upper hand in this battle. The judges and crowd unanimously agree, giving him the win. Brian McDaniel left Jamar speechless.

“I give it to that dude.”  – Jamar Neighbors

“Why, Jamar?” – Brian Moses

“Cuz… um… I ain’t never did this before.” – Jamar Neighbors

This is the second time Brian shines. Jeff Ross himself praises Brain for his joke writing. Sam Jay thought Casey went a little soft. Brain mentions having difficulty finding an opponent. Somebody get at this dude soon, before he slips through the cracks and Escobedo’s his way into the top twenty. The room is hot as we move into Kate Stark and Armando Torres.

“Armando writes rap music that’s so bad, his racist grandparents play in because they think it’ll keep black people away.”

“I didn’t know much about Kate, but I found out she’s a quickly aging anorexic with daddy issues. And that was just from the profile picture.”

“Armando looks like h3 has a bun in the same oven his Jewish grandparents were put in.”

“Kate’s had trouble giving up her smoking habit. I can see why, it’s the only thing she has that kills.”

“Armando has a tattoo of an orange on his wrist. So he can say that he slices healthy food.”

“Writing for Kate was hard. She didn’t give me much to work with so I know how her push-up bra feels.”

Sam Jay loves this joke. Right as the battle ends she just starts going:

“Little titties! Little titties!” – Sam Jay

She continues…

“He hit you with the little titties. I gotta go little titties.” – Sam Jay

Kate tries defending their size with no luck.

“It doesn’t matter, the way he came at you, I’m like, they little, I didn’t even look.” – Sam Jay

Kate retorts:

“Armando can lift up his shirt, it will be the same size.”

After Jamar inspects the size Kate claims to have, he gives Armando the win. Kate had some nervous, beginner energy, even though she won her last battle. She is still staying in the moment, like with the comment above, and when she said “why does it matter, it’s going to be amputated,” after someone yelled out that Armando’s tattoo was on his forearm and not his wrist. Both these battlers were great. Kate was just getting a little ahead of herself. Armando’s push-up bra joke killed. Jeff Ross and Rick Glassman both give Kate her well-deserved praise, but Armando clearly takes this one.

Before Fizaa Dosani and Eric Abbenante take the stage for the next battle, Jeff decides to join the wave and learn a couple dance moves from Willie. Eric’s intro is very fun, being carried in on a chair with “Hava Nagila” playing. The energy in the room is already great and this just continues the vibe.

“Fizaa Dosani. You’re named after a water bottle, but your people are why we can’t carry liquids on airplanes.”

“Eric’s grandparents survived the Holocaust and now Eric drives for Uber. They’re all used to having one star”

“Fizaa is a recovering sex addict with asthma. So anyone with a penis can take her breath away.”

“Eric’s tiny, but he can still wear magnums… as raincoats.”

“Fizaa will never get married. Because her name rhymes with RZA. And that poontang ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit!”

“Eric looks like a fun sized prison bitch. He’s five foot three, epileptic, and Jewish. He wouldn’t even survive the train ride to the Holocaust.”

This fight is fun. Willie breaks out the dance moves for Fizaa’s last joke. Jamar and Sam cannot seem to get over Eric’s size.

“Imma give it to Fizaa, cuz that nigga still owe me a pot of gold!”  – Jamar Neighbors

“He tried to say you’re a girl and a different race. And she was like you’re a gay faggot. And she won.” –Sam Jay

The only man on Eric’s side is Jeremiah.

“I like the guy who looks like Louis C.K.’s house elf.” – Jeremiah Watkins

Eric is decent, but Fizaa takes this one by a landslide, as we move into the much-anticipated cripple fight: Greg Roque versus Danielle Perez.

“Danielle does hard drugs. You can tell because her legs have track marks.”

“Greg is Mexican. He’s such a fucking stereotype even his feet don’t work.”

“Damn. That was a good one. I’m stumped. Actually, you are. Twice. Danielle is Dominican and she is a lot like her country… a large round mass that’s only touched by Haiti.”

“Greg hates when people call him special needs. The only thing special about Greg is he needs someone to change his diaper.”

“The only thing shittier than my diaper is your joke. Danielle has never been married. But she is considered separated.”

“Greg made his television debut on Roast Battle last season as the dolly they used to roll out Jeff Ross.”

Danielle, you’re so greasy and Mexican you should be served at the food truck that ran you over.

“Greg’s dad used to beat him, so did his mother, his sister, his brother, his cousin, aunt, uncle, another cousin, until all the candy fell out.”

“Danielle you remind me of my KFC leftovers. A neglected pile of breasts and half-eaten thighs.”

“I called Greg a lazy Mexican, but that’s not true, every weekend you can find him parked outside of Home Depot next to all the other forklifts.”

Greg’s rebuttals are on point! He really overpowers Danielle and shows his skill as a writer once again. Danielle is very good too. Her Jeff Ross/red carpet joke kills, but Greg comes right back. Danielle stumbles through her last joke. Greg’s KFC joke is the joke of the night.

“That KFC shit fucked you up.” – Sam Jay

The crowd loves this battle. Jeff loves these battlers. They both get enormous praise, but it is obvious that Greg takes the win. Great night, great battles, I’m gay, let’s roast!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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