Should auld acquaintance be forgot, may new enemies be made. It’s a new year, and some new verbal violence is happening in the Belly Room.
Bruce Jingles is the only judge confirmed for the show so far, but you never know who might show up to witness the carnival of comedy carnage. Let’s roast!
Our opening bout features two vulgar vatos, Johhny Roque and Martin Rizo.
Johnny Roque looks like Lou Diamond Phillips during his DUI arrest. He’s like Lou Cubic Zirconia Phillips. And Martin Rizo looks like his fourteen year old illegitimate son who keeps waiting for him to come back to the small town where La Bamba banged his mom. Johnny has done a battle or two, but not many and not consistently. This may be Martin Rizo’s first battle but one thing is for sure, he’s not important enough for me to know that for sure. These guys seem to be friends, which usually makes for a good fight. If it’s not a good fight, they will promptly be deported.
The second undercard pits Timothy McGorry against Victor Martinez Jr.
I feel sorry for the stage that has to hold these two… because they’re morbidly unfunny. In spite of that fact, Tim is coming off a big win, freezing the hot streak of one of the competitors in tonight’s main event, Zach Stein. Victor is extremely likable and has had many good showings here at Roast Battle. He’s been steadily improving each outing, even though he had a recent misstep losing to oft-defeated Johnny Stewart. Tim is also likable despite his awful face. He’s kinda like an alt-comedy Rodney Dangerfield. And by alt-comedy I mean unfunny. Well, he’s kinda funny. We’ll see if he’s funny tonight.
In our main event Joel Walkowski comes all the way from New York to face Zach Stein in a one-round, five-joke bloodbath.
In this pic Zach Stein looks Hunter S. Tommy Hilfiger. It also looks like he hallucinated Joel Walkowski after drinking a ton of rum, popping amphetamines and dropping acid in a psychotic weekend that he later turned into a convoluted novel. It’s like Fear and Loathing in the Midwest. Walkowski is a mainstay main eventer in New York, but he’s so white and boring I totally forgot that I have seen him battle in the Belly Room before. He is charmingly silly, has a great sense of fun onstage and should be a worthy opponent for Zach Stein. Zach is a deadly combination of clever and sadistic. With his devil-may-care attitude he never pulls any punches. These two look like they may just call off the battle and blow each other instead. Either way, we’re in for an entertaining night.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.