by Jay Light
After a week of tapings across the country, the Roast Battle is back home in the Belly Room, ready to bring verbal violence to the currently sweltering masses in Los Angeles. This heat wave is brutal, but not nearly as brutal as some of the jokes we can expect to see tonight in the ring. We’ve got four undercards featuring eight comics ready to tear each other to pieces, and in the main event, a top 10 battler gives one of the game’s bright young stars a shot at finally earning a W – as long as he doesn’t give it away in overtime once again. Let’s preview!
This week’s judges include two Roast Battle favorites: Tony Hinchcliffe and Moshe Kasher. Tony, the Golden Pony, consistently has some of the sharpest wit in the VIP section, and always manages to strike a great balance between being roasty and giving actual advice to the battlers. Moshe, fresh off of serving as a judge for Roast Battle’s New York City taping, is nothing short of vicious, and has wowed the crowd with his powerful jabs every time he’s sat behind the dais. Our newcomer tonight is Monique Marvez, who has her own radio show and a bevy of appearances on Showtime putting some wind in her comedic sails. She also a writer at DisneyToons Studios, so she definitely knows a thing or two about getting juvenile. Can’t wait to see what she brings to the table!
Our first undercard of the evening features the night’s only virgins: Andrew Pupa versus Stuart Ray!
These guys, natives of Orange Country, have big dreams and bigger noses. Stuart looks like he works security at the Urban Outfitters Andrew is on probation from working at after being caught putting cameras in the dressing rooms. Between the two of them, Andrew at least looks like he knows how to read, which may give him a leg up. If there’s one thing we can trust, it’s that, like the other battlers spawned from the OC, these two are pretty much guaranteed to put on a wild show to kick off the night.
The night’s next undercard: Sameer Suri (1-0, Unranked) versus Richie Gaines (1-0, Unranked)!
Sameer and Richie both came hot out of the gate in their initial battles, turning in memorable performances before quickly falling out of the official rankings due to a glut of more new battlers. Sameer is wily, with hard-to-top swagger and jokes as salty as the cum he swallows. Richie is brash and antagonistic, which, while definitely a bad way to make friends as a newcomer in the LA scene, is perfect for Roast Battle success. My question: who’s going to be the first to call their opponent a faggot? Tough call!
Third up, we’ve got Nat Baimel (0-1, Unranked) taking on Roast Battle veteran Sina Amedson (3-5, #42)!
Nat’s only trip into the ring so far was against Sameer, and the two put on a very close match that stoked Nat’s Roast Battle fire: this is just the first of a string of bouts the contender has put on his schedule. Sina, stepping into the ring without the aid of his good friend The Saudi Prince, looks to strengthen his floundering record against a promising newcomer. Sina is also a professionally trained puppeteer, which may give him an edge over Nat, who looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy designed by an anti-Semite. Where’s Jeff Dunham with a wacky Jew voice when you need him?
Our final undercard is a very special matchup: Robbie Kirkhuff (3-0, #29) versus Omid Singh (9-3, #5)!
These two are best pals, huge fans of taking mushrooms on camping trips, and fearsome Roast Battle fighters. Robbie comes to us all the way from the stocks at the Renaissance Faire, while Omid hails from a Silverlake hippie commune, where he spends time selling cage-free beards and not showering. This ought to be a truly dynamite undercard. Omid is one of the best in the game, and Robbie’s undefeated record, while not as impressive as Omid’s 12 battles, is impressive in its own right.
Tonight’s main event is the battle of the emaciated white dudes: Dan Nolan (6-2, #8) versus David Deery (0-1-2, #41)!
Dan is one of the most notable new faces from the last six months of Roast Battle, having racked up an impressive record and a top 10 ranking two months in a row. David is a strong battler as well, though his record makes him look frail. Don’t sleep on him, though – he literally threw a win away at the last minute so he could try and decimate his opponent in overtime. Prepare for mustache jokes, heroin addict jokes, and “you look creepy” jokes to dominate the main event tonight, in a match that has massive upset potential.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.