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Nothing says “The Belly Room” more than an upskirt of Boon. The Downtown Independent was glorious but there’s something about the cramped, musty room that we all pack in every Tuesday that can’t be duplicated. Maybe it’s the unpredictable temperature that ranges from uncomfortable chilly to Africa hot. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s home to a lot of the comedians that stuff the room every Tuesday. Maybe it’s the Maybelline on Boon’s teeth. Roast Battle is a community project and this is the conference room.

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Shout out to Josh Meyrowitz for the dopest LA Speedweed plug the show has ever had. Better than anything I’ve written. #blacklivesmatter

And we can’t forget to show Troy Conrad love for capturing all the battles with the beautiful pics. He does this while doing about a thousand other things for the comedy world. Check out his new photography page on Facebook to see some of the best photos of the funniest people in the world.

RECAPS.

In the first undercard, April Lotshaw made short work of Adi Gordan!

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This was a mismatch of a battle but a great first fight for the show. Adi came to the stage full of confidence. Coach Tea gave him “A Whole New World” as his theme music and I think it was meant as a zing but I would have been honored. Kudos to Adi for challenging a veteran for his first battle but April was far too much for him.

ADI ON APRIL  

“April’s a lonely bi-sexual, drug user from Seattle. She’s the Courtney know one loves.”

“April was so nervous to battle me, her skin broke out. Her words are full of confidence but her face is full of chicken pox.”

“April looks like a lesbian Luke Skywalker. It makes sense. The only way she’s getting girls to sleep with here is by using force.”

“April’s been to jail for drunk driving. I may look like a terrorist but you’re the one blowing up a breathalyzer every morning.”

Adis first joke got a bit of a pop but he may have gotten in his own head when April’s opener hit way harder. I only used all four of his jokes so I could include all of April’s

APRIL ON ADI

“Adis punchlines are as forced and uncomfortable as the thirteen-year-old he’s marrying,”

“Adi, you hipster. You look like you moved to America to pay full price for the Adidas you made.”

“All of Adis connecting flights are with buildings.”

“Adi’s comedy is as full of shit as the drinking water in his country.”

Future battlers, be sure to brush up on the roast battle career of your opponent in the archives before you start laying down challenges. Congrats to April! As for Adi? More like Adi-os. #elboom

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In the second undercard, Wub Savell didn’t suck as much as Cody Morley!

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This was a decent battle. Cody landed firmly in the “miss” part of the “hit or miss” assessment I gave him. Wub was slightly better in the way losing a finger is slightly better than losing a hand although a hook would be sweet. Cody is as well intentioned as they come but this just wasn’t his fight.

CODY ON WUB

“Wub is the token white comic. Normally when he crip walks, it’s the whole crowd walking out Chocolate Sunday.”

“Wub can always be seen wearing a jacket. He can also be seen flashing his dick at children in a Food-4-Less parking lot.”

Let’s hit some positive takeaways. It wasn’t “Matt Lewis” bad or anywhere close to “Mr. Potato Head guy” bad. Also, the weather is nice. This concludes positive takeaways. Wub did his best to not lose and sometimes that’s all you need in Roast Battle.

WUB ON CODY

“Codys Twitter bio says ‘I’m not famous but all my friends are’. That’s gonna make a great suicide note.”

“Cody you look like someone stopped watering Anthony Jeselnik.

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Robin Tran and Ramsey Badawi put on a helluva show in the third undercard in which Ramsey emerged victorious!

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I wasn’t able to lock down a picture of Ramsey but here’s his Instagram if you would like a picture reference for him. No pic? No prob! Ramsey had as impressive a debut as you can have. This was probably the battle of the night. The energy started off perfectly. Ramsey dropped some intro heat and Coach Tea played “Dude Looks Like a Lady” as Robin moseyed her way to the stage. Coach really has to get a Spotify playlist of everyone’s intro music. Keith Carey tried to chime in during her intro but Robin shut him down. Both battlers were hilarious and Ramsey’s jokes hit just as hard in the Belly Room as they did Sunday afternoon at an open mic.

RAMSEY ON ROBIN

“Robin has the mind of a woman, the sex organs of a man and the body of a super lonely kindergarten teacher.”

“Robin Tran is so annoying that if my racist, trans-phobic father met her, the thing he’d hate most is still her personality.”

“I wish Robin would do us all a favor and transition into looser clothing.”

“Robin is just mad because my Middle Eastern family refuses to mutilate her genitals.”

ROBIN ON RAMSEY

“Ramsey piloted his magic carpet into the twin towers to show us a whole new World Trade Center.”

“Ramsey you look like if Drake started out as the bottom.”

“Ramsey I might be transitioning into a woman but you look like a leprechaun transitioning into a monkey.”

“Ramsey looks like he got kicked out Al-Qaeda for constantly talking about his feelings.”

THAT’S. HOW. YOU. BATTLE. Moses actually demanded a overtime rather than ask the crowd and judges if they wanted it.

OVERTIME

“Ramsey’s father taught him ‘never throw stones inside a glass house”, only throw them at women who’ve been raped.”

“Robin suffers from depression. Robin, I want you to know you’re always in my thoughts, especially when I’m trying to stop myself from cumming.”

And for the first time ever, the battlers cruuuuushed the overtime. One more joke was required to determine a winner and Ramsey emerged after the second OT with a W.

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And in the Main Event, Tom Goss defeated Dan Nolan!

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“You’re predictable but not because of your jokes. I knew you weren’t gonna eat that chip because it was baked.” – Ryan Sickler to Tom after the All-Negro Wave threw chips on stage.

Finally! With most of our top battlers involved with the tournament, the Main Events were lacking in star power and overall quality. Dan Nolan himself had a two-round flameout against the great Connor McSpadden to close out 2k15. But this was an excellent battle throughout all three rounds and the overtime. Both battlers came with jokes that were well-written and hysterically mean.

TOM ON DAN

“Dan looks like he’d die of starvation if Spaghetti-Os are discontinued.”

“Dan’s been in psych wards and prisons. He’s gone from ‘being a head case’ to ‘giving some head case’.”

“Dan looks like the worst employee at Jurassic Park.”

“Dan’s lungs are so dead and mushy I thought they were his aborted children.”

“Dan’s from New York. But the last time he saw a Big Apple it was in the throat of the guy he was blowing for heroin.”

“Dan’s smile is so cracked his black girlfriends try to smoke it.”

That last one was Tom’s overtime joke. It’s specific to Dan and super racist making it the ideal roast joke. You generally get nine jokes in a Main Event and I choose six to share in the report. This battle was the hardest one to cut down because all of the jokes were so good. The judges would say Dan had a few too many “fat” jokes but they were really smart fat jokes and Tom has no other characteristics.

TOM ON DAN

“Tom’s afraid to try heroin. He doesn’t want to ruin his favorite pudding spoon.”

“I’ve see Tom’s standup before. He’s got worse crowd work than the Ferguson police department.”

“Tom looks like he fucks with his shirt on.”

“Tom’s so dumb he thought getting a bypass meant he could fuck dudes on the weekends.”

“Tom’s got something seriously wrong with his head. Other than that he keeps getting it stuck in jars of honey.”

“Tom’s parents are a lot like his belt; struggling to support a huge waste.”

If you ask me and no one did, Dan takes this one if it stays in regulation. Dan’s overtime joke bombed and Tom’s didn’t. That’s how it goes sometime in Roast Battle.

??????/?????! Nice! Haven’t seen this much flame since Sina’s last post-show party! #kaboom

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

“Adi, you hipster. You look like you moved to America to pay full price for the Adidas you made.”

“Cody you look like someone stopped watering Anthony Jeselnik.“

“Robin is just mad because my Middle Eastern family refuses to mutilate her genitals.”

“Ramsey looks like he got kicked out Al-Qaeda for constantly talking about his feelings.”

“Dan looks like the worst employee at Jurassic Park.”

“Tom’s parents are a lot like his belt; struggling to support a huge waste.”

I am 85-50 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.  

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