Tonight’s battles are fierce. We’ll see white versus black, man versus woman, and, unfortunately, white man versus white man. Tonight, the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross, is set to judge the best cripple fight seen by Comedy Central since the great “Jimmy versus Timmy” match back in 2001. Jeff was always bitter towards Matt Stone and Trey Parker that he was unable to judge the original cripple fight, but tonight he shall redeem himself!
First up tonight is Kate Stark versus Armando Torres. These two look like they know each other because Armando’s dad used to fix things at the Stark residence. Armando was only twelve when Kate asked him if he knew where to get “mota.” This battle came to fruition because Armando said, “I’ll only help you move if you Roast Battle me.” This will be a good one!
Next up is John Fahy versus Aaron Pita. Both these guys have been peppered throughout the L.A. comedy scene for some time now. This will be a close one because both these guys are going to have to come up with creative ways to call each other white, boring and gay. I’m not saying they are any of those things, I’m just saying that’s the angle I would take if I were to roast either of these two fellas.
Then we have Casey Moran versus Brian McDaniel. This battle looks like the guy who does cocaine in the corner office versus the guy who does it off a toilet seat. I’m guessing these guys know each other from working at TMZ, because they both, according to Facebook, were employed there at some point. Watching these two make poorly investigated claims about each other with lazy writing should be fun.
The fourth battle tonight is Alister Konrath versus Rob Smallwood. Rob asked Alister to battle after Alister’s brother Edward Norton curb-stomped him back in 1998. Rob is upbeat and likable. There’s a rumor in the scene that Rob’s dream is to get adopted by Kevin Hart. Alister will give him a run for his money though. Everything Alister learned about battling, he learned from the guys that made Jesse Pinkman their meth slave.
The last undercard of the night is Fizaa Dosani versus Eric Abbenante. Eric is proof positive that hard work pays off, and that marijuana can stunt your growth. He has battled so much recently it’s hard to keep track of, but he has been doing great on the show, despite looking like an adult that still gets molested. I guess Fizza is battling Eric because she still hasn’t figured out what to do since never getting her Shahs of Sunset callback.
In the main event tonight, Greg Roque takes on Danielle Perez in the battle for the best handicapped parking spot in West Hollywood. Greg has already been on Comedy Central’s Roast Battle, but Danielle has been on The Price is Right and then shoehorned that into a non-standup-related appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live – so the star power is in the building! Both of these comics have proven themselves handicapable of solid joke writing. Danielle has only become stronger. She’s half the woman she used to be, but twice the battler. I don’t think offending gets more equal opportunity than this. As always, I’m gay, and lets Roast!
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