We know what you mean Willie. We’re flabbergasted at how awesome the show was. We share Jeremiah’s skepticism that there will be another night like it. Haiti looks like Booker T of WWE fame and he was just as pumped all night. #canyoudigit
I’m going to get right into it, mainly because I’ve written like ten thousand words in the last week involving Roast Battle. Thank you to RiotLA for having us. Thank you to Moses for putting all of this together. To all of the battler, you did better than I ever could and you’re heroes. Thanks to the judges. And thank you to everyone who everyone watches live or on Periscope.
Check out previews for tonight if you haven’t!
Are you back? Good. Riot review time.
In the first undercard, Connor McSpadden took down mighty Joe Dosch!
This was just the start the show at Riot LA needed. They both got on stage and immediately had pre-battle heat.
“Just wanted to give Joe a chance to battle something other than his T-cell count.”
“Connor, hat’s a very good reference from the eighties, you know, the only time your comedy would have been popular?”
This would start a chain of chants involving famous sufferers of the AIDS virus including but not limited to Charlie Sheen, Magic Johnson and Ryan White. Both battlers had cutting zings that as well written as they were funny and specific to each other.
CONNOR ON JOE
“Joe recently quit drinking. Now he just spits it out on his chest.”
“Joe is a bottom. When he tops he looks like a blind person trying to put in a USB cord.”
“Joe’s been with so many older men his prostate has an early bird special.”
“Joe used to be fat. Now it’s just harder to explain why he’s ugly.”
JOE ON CONNOR
“Connor had a show by the San Bernadino shooting so he threw the worst office party that day.”
“Connor, you like if Pete Holmes had a special needs cousin he take care of.”
“Connor you look like if Tig Notaro was made of high fructose corn syrup.”
“Connor was molested as a child. It was the only time a powerful person chose him for something.”
Connor won it by being more consistent. They went punch for punch till about the third joke when Connor hit a little harder. Connor also seemed like he was having more fun on stage. Joe still finished the battle strong and even got in some jabs at the judges after Moshe rightfully called out everyone’s poor shoe selection. Then, in one of my favorite battle moments to date, the judges turned on each other.
JUDGES ON EACH OTHER
“Moshe is busy shrinking his hats.” – Jason Sklar
Moshe looks like he’s being played by Ben Stiller.” – Joe Derosa
“Because I look jewish? You fucking goofy looking rapist? How do you have a v-neck and a pot belly?” – Moshe Kasher on Joe Derosa
“Moshe looks like he was home all day inventing rockets for his skateboard.” – Derosa on Moshe
“Moshes hat is so small it comes with a scoop of ice cream.” – Jason on Moshe
“My hat is so small your wife calls it your dick.” – Moshe on Jason
Holy shit. It was awesome to watch three headliners roast each other. It was huge laugh after huge laugh and the perfect bridge between battles.
In the finals of the tournament, Leah staked her claim as the best battler r in Los Angeles by defeating Pat Barker in the finals!
Boom! After months of close calls and door guy blowouts, Leah Kayajanian can call herself the best battler in Los Angeles! This battle was just as good as I hoped and Leah was able to avoid the Curse of Me Picking against Pat. Once again, it was a case of Leah landing one or two more jokes than Pat.
LEAH ON PAT
“Pat, were conceived at a swingers party? Because you look like you’re made of twenty different ugly people.”
“Pat played the bass drum in high school which prepared him for a lifetime of carrying a heavy load and rarely hittin’ it.”
“Pat wants to have a kid so he can pass on the Barker name and the ‘Oinker’ body.”
“Pat’s sperm is so toxic even his wife’s pussy won’t swallow.”
“Your head looks like someone sprayed it with glue then tossed a bunch of eyebrows on it.”
If there was a moment where Pat loss the battle, it was in the delivery of his joke about Leah’s dad. He stepped all up into Leah’s grill like he was on 8 Mile Road. Leah’s “drum joke also got high praise from the judges. Pat’s jokes were great but he came up just short.
PAT ON LEAH
“Leah lost so many relatives in the Armenian Genocide, her Ancestry.com page just says ‘404 File Not Found’.”
“Leah’s got a big nose, hairy legs and a Foo Fighter’s tramp stamp. Fucking her is like playing miniature golf, all the holes are blocked by a bunch of goofy shit.”
“You may remember Leah from Nickelodeon’s Double Dare where kids would try to retrieve the flag from her giant nose.”
“Leah’s been keeping up with the Kardashians by having an Armenian name and looking like she’s transgendered.”
“Leah’s like a good breakfast; she’s got pancake tits, a butter face and at her age, a limited supply of eggs.”
It went to an overtime joke but the votes were already in for Leah. After the extra round, Joe Derosa sealed Leah’s win after zinging both battlers. Congrats Leah! Best roast battler in Los Angeles!
In the third battle of the evening, Earl Skakel and Olivia Grace locked horns and it lit the room on fire!
Pack it up. Close the polls. There is little to no chance another battle comes close to what this battle gave us on Saturday night. Olivia was amazing. She was just as good as she’s ever been. But Earl owned every square inch of the Downtown Independent with his performance. He came to the stage and battled every person the room.
“Earl, how you gonna make fun of her? You’re dressed like you’re going through the same identity crisis.” – Keith C arey
“Shouldn’t you be embarrassing the kids you’re chaperoning at a school dance right now? – Connor McSpadden
“You look like a hipster ‘Encino Man’.” – Connor again
“Earl is dressed like a failing painter.” – Joe Derose
“You look like a mongoloid version of me.” – Earl on Joe
“I don’t know what works harder on you, your heart, your arteries or the buttons on your shirt. Those things are tighter than a Jewish accountant in Tel Aviv.” – Earl to Keith Carey
“Are you gonna take that shit from a Hot Topic clearance section? – Connor on Earl again.”
“Earl looks like he knows where there’s twenty-four hour RV parking everywhere.” – Moshe Kasher
This was all before the other battler was introduced. Olivia joined the pre battle fun as soon as Keith gave her a chance with a fat joke.
“You look like you’re wearing a neck pillow backwards.” – Olivia to Keith
Earl let the lady go first and we we’re off!
OLIVIA ON EARL
“Earl’s family has a lot of money but his dick must have a trust fund too because it never works.”
“The only time Earl ever crushes is when he uses his forehead to open a walnut.”
“Earl’s cousin is on trial for stabbing a girl to death. But at least someone in his family knows how to penetrate a woman.”
“Earl is such a hollow shell of a man when I put my head on his chest, I can hear the ocean.”
OLIVIA ON EARL
“Olivia has a retarded sister so between the two of them, who doesn’t drool in that family?”
“Well, you got kicked out of the KKK because they couldn’t find sheets big enough.”
“Olivia your breath is so bad it smells like you brush your teeth with your pussy.”
“Olivia was raped by a black guy. There’s clearly nothing funny about that. It’s just a case of black on Blackfish crime.”
Moshe probably put it best when he said that Olivia’s jokes might have been written better but Earl played the room perfectly. This show is like comedy professional wrestling and Earl’s racist character(?) is perfect for it. Moshe even said the “pussy/breath” joke was perfect. This might have been the perfect battle.
And in the headliner Main Event and final battle of our appearance at RiotLA, Sarah Tiana overcame Guy Branum!
“I love the moustache Guy. You look like the conductor of the train that’s about to get ran on you in West Hollywood tonight.”
“I just want to know what has more layers; Sarah’s outfit or Guy’s arteries.”
Moses continued the tradition of asking battlers if the All-Negro Wave would smash and Sarah answered in the affirmative. Guy butted in right after to make sure that question is posed to all battlers fairly. Spolier alert: he would let them smash. These headliners did not disappoint despite having to follow one of the battles of the year and Jeremiah Watkins regurgitating oatmeal on stage.
SARAH ON GUY
“Oh my gosh. I was really nervous before I got here but then I thought this will be easy. I used to beat Guy all the time back when he was King Hippo from ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch Out’.”
“Guy’s just jealous because the bible belt is yet another belt he can’t get around himself.”
“In college, Guy got a visit from the secret service because he wrote an article that said Chelsea Clinton should be murdered. Who knew that wouldn’t be the first time he got silenced by someone named Chelsea?”
“Guy reminds me a lot of Charlie Sheen. He’s not HIV positive but he is considered two and a half men.”
“Guy was disowned from his family because he live-tweeted Thanksgiving dinner. Guy, I’m not surprised you live-tweeted a family event. I am surprised you took time to put the fork down.”
“In a lot of ways you’re like the ‘Steven Avery’ of comedy. You’re smarter than you look and you should have a way better reputation than you do but actually, you’re nothing like Steven Avery because at least he’s been on Netlfix and his family wants to see him again.”
GUY ON SARAH
“When it comes to finding a boyfriend, Sarah is as sweaty and thirsty as I am right now.”
“To me you’re like if Walmart were a person; southern, tacky and full of material I have no interest in.”
“So many mediocre comedians have fucked Sarah Tiana that if you put your ear to her vagina you can hear ‘Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen’.”
Sarah is very athletic which is a nice way of saying fifteen pounds overweight.”
“Sarah has so many great jokes but I think my favorite is that no man will ever truly love her.”
“Sarah is super into sports which is great way to get men to pay attention to you when you look like Sarah.”
Sarah won the battle but is probably the real loser since she was the only one in the room who has had sexual contact with Joe. When he brought up their past, Keith Carey was ready. But headliners stick together.
“How did you swallow his jizz? Did he hide it in a more successful dick?” – Keith Carey on Joe
“Let’s get this done before his chair breaks.” – Derosa on Keith
“Or his water.” – Moshe on Keith
It was a great show. These two seasoned vets performed every second they were on stage and it was a treat. Congrats Sarah! I wonder what would happen if she ever battled Leah Kayajanian? #staytuned
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Joe used to be fat. Now it’s just harder to explain why he’s ugly.” – Connor on Joe
“Connor you look like if Tig Notaro was made of high fructose corn syrup.” – Joe on Connor
“Pat played the bass drum in high school which prepared him for a lifetime of carrying a heavy load and rarely hittin’ it.” – Leah on Pat
“Leah’s like a good breakfast; she’s got pancake tits, a butter face and at her age, a limited supply of eggs.” – Pat Barker on Leah
“Earl looks like he knows where there’s twenty-four hour RV parking everywhere.” – Moshe Kasher on Earl Skakel
“Earl looks like a midget that scientists made real-sized.” – Joe Derosa on Earl
“Earl is such a hollow shell of a man when I put my head on his chest, I can hear the ocean.” Olivia on Earl
“Olivia your breath is so bad it smells like you brush your teeth with your pussy.” – Earl on Olivia
“Guy was disowned from his family because he live-tweeted Thanksgiving dinner. Guy, I’m not surprised you live-tweeted a family event. I am surprised you took time to put the fork down.” – Sarah on Guy
“So many mediocre comedians have fucked Sarah Tiana that if you put your ear to her vagina you can hear ‘Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen’.” – Guy on Sarah
I am 85-50 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.