We’ve been giving a lot of spotlight to the sideshows but let’s never forget our fearless leader. Brian Moses is his name. Wearing black t-shirts is his game. He’s the one who suggested Josh Martin and Kenny Lion battle way back when. He’s the one who gave me the green light for the Roast Report. And when the shit hit the fan, he’s the one who kept his cool and kept the runaway train that is Roast Battle on the rails. Throw him a high five.
Seriously, there are so many dudes tonight. These are two crucial dudes to the show. Jeff Richards (left) brings a song and dance every now and again to keep the crowd on their toes. Fun Jeff fact: he’s the only person to ever be a cast member on MADtv and Saturday Night Live, which can never be done again since the former’s been cancelled and the latter’s been shitty. Which brings us to Marino (right). Erik Marino. It’s week 42, people. 42 weeks ago some young filly named Becca took one man’s heart and gave us a weekly dive into a process we’re all too familiar with. Beyond being a guy who
just got dumped, Erik is a great comedian and a nice dude around the scene. He hosts the Show Up, Go Up open mic every Sunday night in the Belly Room. A great way to work out some stuff and maybe get comfortable on the stage that is the verbal boxing ring. #yougottawantit
Alright. Three battle preview time. Tryin’ for 3-0, bruh.
Welcome Matt Fulchiron to The Balcony! Now we know what Joe Dosch (6-1, 1) will look like as a dad. Aww, right in time for gay rights! Matt is a funny guy. He’s been friendly to me the few times I’ve met him. Matt has been on Tosh.0, Last Call with Carson Daly and has his own Comedy Central half-hour. Still, Moses and I will be the only people who know who he is. Check out his pod, The Full Charge Power Hour podcast!
LOOK. AT. THAT. FACE. Thomas Dale is one of the sweetest, funniest dudes in this business. He’s been on Chelsea Lately, tours the country and recently made his debut on @midnight. I’ve had the fortune of working with him a bunch and he is just as awesome and friendly off stage as he is on stage. I can’t really say too much bad about the guy, mainly because he’ll stare handsome daggers at me all night and I’ll feel bad. He’s probably already mad I didn’t choose a more current pic with his new hairstyle.
Nice #tbt dudes. Did you film this half-hour special before or after the audition for 8 Mile? Always love the Sklars as judges. Jesse Joyce and Iliza were like siblings last week and now we get real siblings. We’ll let them decide which one is the girl.
Our first undercard has Seth Woodward (0-0, UR) going against Dan Lewis Fawcett (0-0, UR)!
Where did we find these dudes? One guy will get your DUI reduced to a wet and reckless and one guy will fix your office’s networking problems. Both pay for/force sex from women. Is this some sort of “He’s All That” battle where Moses picks random comedians and makes them cooler? Maybe these were future Ashley Barnhill (6-0, 3) challengers that didn’t make the cut. Seth has 34 followers on Twitter so that means that web site still has at least 34 bots. Dan isn’t too much better but claims to not like small talk and to be an introvert. Great man, you should be fine in front of 120 of your peers and 2500+ on Periscope. Someone is getting murdered after this battle, so if we have a missing person, we just need to look in the trunk of the loser. And by loser I mean Seth.
Our next undercard has John Mitchell (1-0, 57) versus noob Eric Carter (0-0, UR)!
Night and day. Chocolate and vanilla. John’s looks and Eric’s looks, polar opposites all. Remember the movie “Twins”? Well this is the Roast Battle version and Eric is DeVito. Glad John could take a break from asking people if they know who his father is to battle Eric. Eric gets a blurry picture because I don’t want you to see his face till the battle. It’s for the best. Eric is from the South and has a very thick accent. Not often you can hear someone’s mental handicap in their voice but Eric pulls it off. The pick is John. Try to avert your eyes/ears from Eric.
Whaaaat? No King of the Barnhill this week? Maybe she’s done with it. Maybe Jared Levin wasn’t available to battle. #staytuned
And in our Main Event, the Olivia Grace Bowl, Matt Cole (0-1, 77) is taking on Tom Goss (0-1, 76 )
Combined weight of this battle: one metric ton. Still more presentable than Eric Carter. This is the Olivia Grace Bowl but these two could barely fit in the Rose Bowl. Look at Matt’s beady little eyes. They’re like two blueberries in a vat of pancake batter. Headphones under the shirt is risky, given the amount Tom sweats. What was Tom listening to? Guy Fieri on tape? Matt is a good buddy. He runs great shows all across Orange County. Tom had the better showing against Olivia Grace (3-0, 13). The pick is Matt.
I am 35-22 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.