by Jay Light
With the tournament practically breathing down our necks at this point, Roast Battle nation is hotly anticipating which roasters will make it to the big show, airing from the 26th to the 29th on Comedy Central. Will any of the final battlers from the L.A. Regionals make the cut? Let’s find out!
First up, we have Guy Branum taking on Jamar Neighbors of Twitter’s favorite punching bag, #TheWave. Guy takes the stage in a tracksuit and headband, flanked by scantily clad and severely muscled go-go dancers.
“This is like the guy you have to defeat before you fight the final boss in a video game.” – Chris D’Elia
Jamar, always one for a good entrance, somehow manages to top Guy by bringing his entire neighborhood into the Belly Room before being wheeled in Hannibal Lecter-style.
“I guess we know who the final boss is!” – Chris D’Elia
“Smells like Astroglide and cocoa butter up here.” – Brian Moses
Shirts are popped off, the crowd goes crazy, and the battlers lock in on each other. This is gonna be a slugfest.
“Guy. You look like a Jeff Ross beanbag chair.”
“Jamar, you’re so hot but you’re so ghetto and uneducated. I never know whether I should fuck you or try to teach you Shakespeare through hip-hop.”
“Guy, you too fat to be tryin’ to ride dick, my nigga! This nigga so gay, he only came out the closet so his daddy would spank him.”
“Jamar, at least my father waited to come out of the closet to reject me. Jamar grew up poor, but his mother did the best with what she had. Unfortunately, what she had was crack cocaine. He is very, very lucky that you cannot pay for an abortion with an EBT card.”
“Guy, you look like a malignant whale tumor. It’s a sad shame, you got all that blood and can’t donate none of it.”
“Jamar’s never met his dad, which makes a lot of sense. Women rarely keep in touch with the guy who paid them two bologna sandwiches to fuck behind a dumpster.”
This all-out brawl is mystifying to watch, with both battlers putting on a top-notch performance while highlighting the vast differences in their performing styles. Sebastian praises the presentation on the part of both battlers, but in the end, gives it to Jamar and his neighborhood. Metta has seen Jamar’s stand-up before and praises him for his riskiness, but gives it to Guy in the end. D’Elia loves the beanbag chair joke, and votes for Jamar, and after praising both battlers, Jeff Ross seals Jamar’s victory, proving you just can’t take down the hood.
After a commercial break where we’re presented with the joys of saving tigers from poachers – because what good is an episode of Roast Battle if we don’t feel bad in between bouts – we meet our next battlers: Robin Tran and Pat Barker.
“I feel like Bobby Lee played you on MadTV.” – Moses
Pat seems to be legitimately afraid of Robin in his pre-show interview, worrying about what she might say regarding all the variously terrible things that have happened to him and his family lately. Judging by Robin’s pre-show interview, in which the Asian sensation describes a strategy of being extremely mean and incredibly personal, he should be.
“Pat just lost his job on HBO writing for Bill Simmons. You finally got an hour from HBO and it was to clean out your desk.”
“I gotta be honest, that one hurts. It’s emotional when something so close to you just gets cut. You’ll understand someday. Speakin of, Robin really wants a sex change, and I hope it happens for her. It’ll give President Trump something to grab to throw her out of the country.”
“Pat’s wife had a miscarriage for the same reason that Bill Simmons was cancelled: because neither of them could deliver Pat’s lousy material.”
“It’s true, my wife had a miscarriage four weeks into her pregnancy, which means I’m just like Robin’s father, because neither of us will ever know if our kid was a boy or a girl.”
“Pat, you Popeye-looking fuck. Your whole life is like a sad cartoon.”
Then, inexplicably, Robin decides to break from her aforementioned strategy and halfheartedly serenade the crowd to the tune of the Popeye theme song.
“He’s Patrick the failure man, he lives in a garbage can. His hairline’s receding, his dad’s heart stopped beating, he’s Patrick the failure man.”
“Is that on iTunes?” – Earl Skakel
Robin, seeming to almost immediately realize how ill-advised her little ditty was, boos herself.
“That was a hell of an effort, Kim Jong Unfuckable. Guys, Mike Pence wants to ban gay marriage, but Robin is suicidal, so she’ll end up tying the knot one way or another.”
Jeff praises Pat’s confidence, Metta votes for Robin after deciding that her jokes were better than Pat’s comebacks, Sebastian votes for Pat because the song was a dip in the energy, and after initially deciding it’s too close to call, D’Elia votes for Pat. Pat walks away with the victory and Robin wishes that Pat had more than just a recent firing, a miscarriage and a dead dad marring his psyche.
This brings us to the final battle of the night: Leah Kayajanian versus Connor McSpadden. A classic clash of old-school L.A. roasters – and a rematch, to boot – has all the makings of an all-time great bout, and neither contender disappoints.
“Leah’s old enough to be my mom and hot enough to be my dad.”
“You look like Macaulay Culkin was left Home Alone for, like, 20 more years.”
“Leah’s tits are actually Ds, but only if you grade them.”
“Connor let a woman sodomize him with a strap-on, because it’s easier for him to take it in the ass than look a woman in the eyes.”
“Leah’s always wanted to use a strap-on, but her dick keeps getting in the way.”
“Connor’s 11 years younger than me. Which means when I was turning 21, he was getting molested.”
After Leah’s closing joke, we get to witness a truly great moment in television history: Jeremiah Watkins putting a megaphone to Connor’s ear and screaming: "YOU GOT MOLESTED, YOU BITCH!“ This truly is a temple of free speech. Where else in the world is it okay to cackle and howl about the worst parts of ourselves?
Metta rambles on for a bit about how stressful it is just to pick winners here before ultimately voting for Connor.
"When Metta talks it’s like reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book.” – Chris D’Elia
Sebastian and D’Elia follow suit, mostly on the strength of the strap-on joke. It’s a clean sweep for Leah, although Jeff Ross, as always, is quick to provide praise to temper the sting of the loss.
“Be proud Leah, you really put the ‘meanie’ in ‘Armenian’ tonight.” – Jeff Ross
“That joke should have been in the genocide.” – Brian Moses
Connor’s hand is raised in victory, and after one final commercial break filled with sad animals – hopefully the last in the show’s history – we learn the names of the roasters in the Roast Battle II: War of the Words tournament:
- Yamaneika Saunders
- Scott Chaplain
- Zac Amico
- Evan Williams
- Jay Light
- Leah Kayajanian
- Joe Dosch
- Alex Hooper
- Keith Carey
- Anna Valenzuela
- Frank Castillo
- Olivia Grace
- Matthew Broussard
- Kurt Metzger
- Jessica Kirson
- Todd Barry
Not much else needs to be said. Get ready for one hell of a long weekend, everyone, because Roast Battle II is coming to steal your soul away with some of the finest fire the nation has to offer.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person.
If you live in Los Angeles, get your tickets now to see the remaining tapings of Roast Battle II: War of the Words, which will take place at the old House of Blues – right across the street from the Comedy Store – on January 24th and 29th.
Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.