This is the professionalism of the Roastmaster General. He shows up. We’re al attentive. Hydrated. They even brought a weird guy to photobomb in the back. Love the hat Jeff. You look like if Howie Mandel put on 40 lbs to play Jeff Ross. Judd Apatow I hear was a great judge. He was at SXSW promoting his new movie “Trainwreck” starring Amy Schumer and Bill Hader. You can read all about that here, as Variety did a great job reviewing. He also gave the “Negro Wave” a development deal, so you can look for that on the OWN Network this fall.  Andrew Santino was our other guest judge. He is great. Funny dude. Crushed his God Damn Comedy Jam with a “Night Moves” cover. Perfect Roast Battle judge. It was awesome to read some of the tweets about it. Just random internet people using their voices to declare how funny and original the show is. I’m grateful to be a small cog in the machine.

Alright…lets get to reviewing shows I was not present for bruh. #LETSROAST

In our first battle, Jena Friedman (1-0) slayed Jay Light (5-2)!

Ohhhh this was tough. Not only did I lose ANOTHER pick…I now have to wonder if the Waldge Curse affected my buddy Jay. My heart broke from a text at 10:46 Pacific Standard Time. “I lost”. He was a gracious loser. Had nothing but good things to say about Jena. I was sure he would win. But those numbers, 12-2 girls beating guys, just don’t lie. Jena won the first and third rounds, with Jay taking the second. Congrats to Jena, who with her Daily Show writing credentials, should have been taken more serious by this writer. Here are some of the jokes;

JAY ON JENA

Jena said she wants to make abortion funny. After seeing her comedy, people agree: abortions are funnier.-round unknown

Jenna’s single at 32, but she doesn’t need a man. She just masturbates to pictures of her jawline.-round unknown

JENA ON JAY

“You should be an internet vigilante because you strike me as anonymous.”-round unknown

“Your website says you have a podcast, so does your face.”-round unknown

“What woman isn’t uncomfortable around you?-Mega Comeback, round unknown

Right? Great jokes all around. Talking to Jay this morning he’s recovered from the shock of the loss. Our other battle had Liza Treyger (1-0) beating Cody Hustak (0-1)!

We had a our first Marathon Battle! 5 rounds! Shout to Moses and Rich Slaton for giving me the deets on this one. Liza is my new hero because she gave me a passionate recap of the night and that helps since while they were battling I was losing at Mario Party 9. And she was my first correct pick. Cody is also great, as I mistakenly congratulated him on the win he didn’t get, and he still helped me with this post.. In the unprecedented, 5th round, a random person was brought up to roast, and Liza took it from there. Here are some of the jokes. See if you can spot the theme with which Cody chose to roast Liza. It’s very subtle.

CODY ON LIZA

“Liza has an extra period every month to flush Cheeto dust from her pussy.”-round unknown

“Her pussy is so acidic her uterine lining comes out pickled.” -round unknown

“Her pussy is so Hasidic the wet spots around her knees are from where her pubes touched toilet water.”-round unknown

LIZA ON CODY

“The only thing more white than you, is the cum of whoever’s dick you sucked to get on this show.”-round unknown

“They say dress for the job you want and clearly you want to shoot up a school.”-round unknown

“You look like if deliverance was shot in an Old Navy.”-round unknown

Best of luck to these battlers moving forward. But today is a new day to Battle. And we have some crushers lined up for ya.

First up is Chris Cubas (0-0) against Ashley Barnhill (2-0)!

This should be great. Besides missing my buddy and frequent Super Smash Bros. victim Jay Light, this is the battle I was most looking forward too. I don’t know Chris. Like at all. Here’s one of his tweets!

“The Jinx is not as interesting as Serial because I just assume that rich old white dudes are guilty.”[email protected], today. 11 favs. Topical af.

Pretty good! Ashley, however, is just a force. Left no chance for her last two battles to beat her. I’m almost afraid to pick her because it appears they know each other, we only roast the ones we love and I’ve cursed everyone else…but I will not waver. Ashley will win and continue female dominance in Roast Battle of the Sexes.

Our final battle, of tonight and SXSW, will be Jay Larson (0-0) versus Mark Normand (1-0)!

I don’t know Jay. I’ve heard his standup on Pandora. And he writes for Conan. Seems legit. Here’s a tweet:

“Favoriting a tweet is a nice way of saying, “Try harder next time and maybe I’ll retweet you.”-@jaylarson, March 11th. 63 favs.

Very funny. And true. I proved it by RTing that. BUT DID NOT FAV. Mark was a judge at Ashley’s battle last week. He was very funny and a good sport despite being zinged by Ashley. Also, was a chill bro to chat with after. His comedy is also very funny. Here’s one of his dandies:

I like how mattress companies think the only reason I’m getting no sleep is because of firmness. It’s more the anxiety, worry and dread.”-@marknorm, 5 hours prior to this post. 47 favs.

I’m gonna pick Mark here. He was super funny on stage last week. I went wrong by not picking a TV show writer in Jay’s battle. I feel confident in making the same mistake again.

I am 11-7 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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