Not sure where to start with this battle. We had highs. We had lows. Then we had few more lows. I went 1-2 in picks. No sighting of Earl’s ass, which had been gaining momentum as a new Roast Battle cast member. First let me address something I should have a while ago. If you’ve been to the show you know the chaotic madhouse it eventually becomes. But you’ve also heard Moses, at the beginning, give us rules. If you’ve never been but are reading (mega thanks), here are those rules.
“Nothing’s off limits except physical contact, original material only so no internet or Yo Mama jokes and at the end of every battle we hug”-Roast Battle Creed
There’s a few more sentences he says that you can find at the top of the page. But back to the night! The judges were great! Kirk started off a little slow then came out super strong. Don was good, in to it and had good feedback for the Battlers. He took it seriously. Not Iliza seriously. But seriously. And then there was young Mr. Hinchcliffe. Funny, I guess. Really tried to shoehorn a few of his own roast jokes in there. Jeff also returned! He looks like Vin Diesel in Furious 80 lbs overweight. It is great having the Roastmaster General back. The Balcony always fills out a little more. And he is literally one of the best comedians to ever walk the halls of the Comedy Store. He is the cornerstone of the burgeoning Roast Battle empire.
This reviews might have a different feel. Left my notes at the Comedy Store and now they’re gone. But no fear! Ya boy has a steel trap memory. Still waiting on an apology from a girl from second grade who used her siren song to steal a 4-square ball from me. A game I was not invited to play in. I don’t think about it THAT often. It was 22 years ago. #wah
Anyway…on to these reviews bruh!
The Great Photog was otherwise engaged for the first battle so we do not have photos but here’s one of the House Haterz!
Earl, tell your ass I we say hey. Also, aww! Look it’s Omid!
Moving on, Michael Arden (1-0, ?) defeated Byron Valino (0-1, ?)!
That’s right. Unknown ranks. The Committee won’t even give me the heads up anymore. This didn’t really pop? Neither had exceptional jokes or stage presence. Arden snuck one in before the bell and that may have helped him but that’s a risky strat. Idk if this writer recommends it.
“Michael overcompensates for his size by being an intellectual, and yet he still can’t seem to figure out why he still hasn’t hit puberty.”
That was the best of worst that was Byron’s jokes. I mean, their decent enough jokes. If Roast Battle made popsicle, Byron’s jokes would be on those sticks. And there’s pride in that.
“Look at yourself. You look like the Asian Gollum. I’ve got a movie idea for you. Lord of the Mings.”
“I noticed that Byron brought notes with him on stage. You would’ve thought an Asian would’ve studied a little harder for this.”
Basically Byron sucked for being Asian. So work on that Byron.
This battle receives a half
. I can probably only put one but you need to know it represents a half.
In our first main event we had Harry Moroz (2-0) gallantly taking down Wub Savell (1-0)!
Look at that victory stance. Look at Wub in disbelief.
“I came all the way from Inglewood for this?”-Wub, in his head in this picture.
This was another big pile of meh. There were some hitters. Nothing that really brought the house down. That was the whole night. It was like a consistent 6/10. Never going below that but never above 7 or 8. And despite all of the fanfare from Wub’s first battle, only his second round came close to capturing any of that.
“Look at this big, gigantic schnoz. Your nose is so fucking big, if Anne Frank had hidden inside of it, she could have finished her diary.”
“That fucking Jewish nose is the only Jewish thing about you. Your nose is so fucking Jewish it takes up 85% of your face and 15% of your paychecks.”
“Your nose is so fucking Jewish, you smell your girlfriend’s pussy through a hole is a sheet.”
“Your nose is so fucking Jewish, Iran is threatening to wipe it off the face of your face.”
Kirk pointed out that Wub really had a future in making fun of Harry’s nose, that it was his wheelhouse, but once he explored other subjects was not nearly as good. Feel for Wub but this just goes to show how unpredictable this sport can be. Wub dominated his first battle. DOMINATED. Harry was 1-0 as well but it was only an ok victory. And he David’d the fuck out of Goliath.
“Most girls say they wouldn’t be caught dead in a room with Wub, but that’s usually how they end up.”
“I watched going clear, that documentary about Wub’s hairline.”
Wub has a profound effect on the community. Children look up to him…from the he in his basement where he keeps them.”
“His parents call him Wub Because they wished instead of his mom getting pregnant his dad had just wubbed one out.”
Maybe the biblical comparison was a little much. But that’s kinda how I framed it in my head? But I also thought I would beat Doug…(ooh it burns).
This battle gets
Our final battle had Keith Carey (4-0, ?) beating Brent Duncan (2-2, ?)
There seems to be a theme in these pics. The winner is always having a decidedly better time. This was the best battle of the night. But that’s like picking the best punch in the face. I’ll be honest I thought Keith would win handily. Maybe even a two-rounder. But Brent held his composure and had a great showing after his dud last battle.
“The last words Keith heard, when he was trying to hang himself with a belt, was his mother’s voice saying “That’ll do pig, that’ll do””.
“Keith, I can wait to see your name on the marquee of the Laugh Factory next month, and under it, it’s gonna say “MAKE GOD LAUGH””.
“The last time Keith saw a Gym, a guy named James came in his mouth.”
“They let Keith’s mom name a dish after her son, at her job at Denny’s, it’s called the Mistake ‘n Eggs.”
Great jokes. He won round two. But in the end it was all Keith.
“I’d say you look like a date-rapist, but they can get dates.”
“It was hard for Brent’s family and friends to watch him slowly drink himself to death. All they could think was, “A gun would be so much faster.”
“There’s a video on your YouTube channel called “BRENT DUNCAN OWNS DAVID ALLAN GRIER.” Here’s a video you’ll never see: “BRENT DUNCAN OWNS A HOUSE.”
“I’d rather be half a fag than half s comedian.”
The last one was a mega comeback to one of Brent’s insults. And comeback are part of the Cadillac Keys to Vict.
This battle gets
I am 18-13 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.