Aaaaand I’m back! Not sure what to say here. I got the W but some might say I won ugly. I’m at .500 and I’m sure the Committee’s assessment and subsequent ranking of me will be fair and just. Check out Jay Light’s (7-3, 5) recaps, both of my win and The Roastmaster’s, our East Coast iteration. Back to what I think though. I got called handsome a bunch which was fun/accurate but also got roasted hard by the judges/Haters.
EVERYBODY ON JOSH
“I give the round to Tig Retardo.” – Tony Hinchcliffe (1-1, 6HR)
“I didn’t know a guy with a top knot could be a power bottom.” – Keith Carey (5-1, 8)
“I loved you in Apocalypto.” – Steve Byrne
Yay for finding out your perception in the world! Thanks to technology, I have the game film to review. So I figured why not try to review Josh Waldron’s battle as Josh Waldron the roast reporter. Let’s review?
Geez, I guess those who can’t roast blog, right? No but seriously this battle was Dece Central. Dece being the abbreve for decent. The first two rounds popped! Both battlers had jokes that moved the Wave and spark positively violent sound drops from Coach Tea.
SEAN ON JOSH
“Josh looks like he’s cross eyed, which must be tough seeing double the amount of people not laughing.”
“Josh thinks he has good style but really he just puts the H&M in homosexual.”
“Josh once openly had sex with a stripper. It’s the first and only time you’ll ever be inside a Mercedes.”
“Just once had me take him through the drive-thru at Taco Bell to get a burrito. It was weird having two cheesy, full of shit disasters in my car.”
“Josh was once on a show called ‘Stand Up and Deliver’, which is exactly what his Mexican mother did fourteen times.”
Good bits, all. Josh had some bangers as well. His continued checking of his notes and speedy delivery may have taken away from the pop the jokes could have had.
JOSH ON SEAN
“Sean dates another comedian and helps write her jokes. Which means he gives her shitty material and HPV.”
“Sean is so bald and sensitive his nickname in college was ‘the clitoris’.”
“You can tell by Sean’s body he works out a lot. You can tell by his material it’s not at open mics.”
“Sean, you look like a human Academy Award. Maybe one day you’ll win one for Best Male Actor in another male actor.”
“Sean has a web series where he plays a cop. It gets no views and is being called the worst the police have looked on the internet all year.”
They really let us down in the third round. Tony was so displeased he went on a hate speech longer than the final monologue in Othello. #readabook. In fairness, he was effusive in praise for the first two rounds so it only fits that if Tony no like, Tony hate. To be honest, they both had one joke hit in the third round and Sean’s hit better. He probably deserved the win but Tony declared Josh the lesser of two awfuls. Hey, at least they’re handsome-ish.
This battle deserves only ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?! Barely over ? ? ?!
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“John’s so unfuckable, when he dropped the soap in prison, the other prisoners gang-friendzoned him.” – Ali Mac, (1-0, 31) on John Mitchell (2-1, 40)
Good luck abroad Ali! That was fun. A nice little trip down Roast Battle lane for me. I’ll be back. Thank you to Moses and the Comedy Store and every other person involved with the show. It’s one of the best in the world and I’m lucky to be a part of it.
Tony Hinchcliffe returns! Glad I didn’t spoil it for ya buddy! Tony, a Judge of the Year nominee from last season, is often one of the best parts of the show. He likes to mix patterns with his wardrobe, which I don’t totally agree with but other than that, he should provide a healthy portion of the entertainment. He hosts the KILL TONY podcast, where he recently made Ali Macofsky (1-0, 31) a regular. Since I battled the same night, I didn’t get a chance to mention two of the other three were Undercard of the Year quality stuff. Congrats to all of them! ? ? ?!
Yay! Fitzdog returns! Greg Fitzsimmons is one of my favorite comedians to watch. His very matter-of-fact truths delivered with a somber understanding of reality never disappoint. He’s a great judge. He’s been around comedy a long time and is like the cool uncle who got married and only shows up now and again. He zings with the best of them but also analyzes and offers good feedback between rounds. Check out his show Fitzdog Radio here.
I know I say this a lot but we have a true battle favorite in Mike Lawrence (2-0-1, 3) judging tonight. Fresh off his decimation of Dan St. Germain (0-2, 18), Mike returns to VIP on a great night. He annihilated the room the last time he did Kill Tony so you know chemistry will be good. With Tony and him spraying fire upon the room tonight, they may need dental records to identify the bodies. Check out all of Mike’s stuff!
Ooh another Mike as judge! This guy goes full Michael though and it is worth it. Michael Kosta is one of my favorites to watch and he popped by the last Hella Show, a comedy showcase run by ya boy. An infinitely more exciting credit is his new show “The Comments Section” on E! that you can check out here. Look for an appearance from Whitney Rice (1-0, 67), ranked battler and former Hater! Seriously, with all these judges combined, Moses could turn into Captain Roast and save us from the foul taste left with us from last week. Woo!
The first undercard has Ari Chapman (0-0, UR) versus Brendan Woodruff (0-0, UR)!
We’ve got a virgin battle! The number of battlers creep closer to 200 every day. The ladies dominate the gender wars with a 16-5-1 record and look for that to continue here. I don’t know much about these two so I went to their Twitter accounts. It was a lot of show promotion and Donald Trump jokes. Topical can be hit or miss so we’ll see if that trickles into their roast material. The pick is Ari, mostly because she was a guest on a Playboy radio show recently and if I’m friends with her that’s one step closer to the mansion for ya boy.
Next up is Will Couch (0-0, UR) taking on Timothy J. Groeschel (0-0, UR)!
More virgins! And it’s their first time battling as well. That joke will never get old. Strong name battle here. Tim feels the need to have that middle initial in there, a practice I normally disagree with but it’s a known fact that J is the best letter of the alphabet, so I’ll allow it. Will Couch is a good default name. You would change it later in the adventure but it’s a good starter name. Will’s last six tweets was pop culture mania designed to kill it with the kids in 2015. Timmy’s sixth in his last six was a Ferguson retweet from the riots last year, so he may not have caught up to 2015. I’ll pick Tim but I also went 0-3 with my fantasy football teams this week so my decision-making lately is suspect.
This undercard features some veteran battlers in Cody Morley (2-3, 41) and Scotty Kidd (1-91, 146)!
Quite the rank discrepancy, right? Scott has not lost ninety-one times, at least in Roast Battle. I’m sure his loss tally in life slowly grinds away like sands through the hourglass. Let’s remember Scott is my friend! But he did once provide false information about his wins and the Committee saw fit to punish him. Tonight is his chance to restore his rightful record against Cody. Cody has had good battles and is a pretty chill dude. I think the day before his last battle he got beat up by a gang. It was also his anniversary with his girlfriend whose presence was never confirmed. And he lost! So tonight can only go up from there. Maybe. I’ll pick Cody. But I wish Scott the best of luck trying to sway the Committee’s feelings about him.
And as promised, a better Main Event than last week, Comedy Store favorite Stuart Thompson (5-1, 4) takes on Hater table favorite Omid SIngh (5-3, 11)!
I’m feeling real Bart Scott about this battle. These are two of my favorite people at the Comedy Store. Omid returns from his comedy sojourn to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which you can read all about here! I highly suggest it because that festival offers a one-of-a-kind experience to all who perform in it, and Omid’s perspective is to be feared and respected. I cannot say enough nice things about Stu. I’d start lying shortly after starting but i wouldn’t stop doing it. Stu is a great comedian and excellent roaster. I wish I had stuff of his to plug. He does a lot though! Ask him later. His only loss came at the hands of another of our best roasters, Rich Slaton (3-2, 17). Look for this to be much better than last week, maybe even an extra round. The pick is Stuart.
I am 48-31 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.