It’s hard to tell whether this crowd is polite, naive, or just plain dumb. But one thing’s for sure: they are not responsive enough for a Roast Battle live audience. Moses reminds them where they are and gets Autistic Thunder’s man-titties a-jumping.
Moses introduces tonight’s judges’ panel: Brady Matthews, Joe DeRosa, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Blake Griffin. The Saudi Prince is there too, appearing in the VIP section instead of his usual separate table for the third week in a row. The crowd livens up a bit as Moses introduces the night’s first undercard. We have a virgin suicide between Sean Hart and Remy Cashman. Sean positions himself as the jaded, thirty-something yin to Remy’s young, optimistic yang, and she comes out swinging.
“On behalf of women everywhere, I want to beat him at something so that he can come second for once.”
She seems to have the crowd and judges on her side as the battle gets underway. Sean opts to take the first joke.
“Remy is a punk rock singer in a band, guys, with a supportive family who’s here right now. Her mom and dad are so supportive, they’re in the audience right there, when are you going to stop rebelling against them?”
“It’s so good to see you again, Sean. You look like Paul Rudd with AIDS.”
“Alright, alright, whatever Ladyboy Gaga, right guys? Okay, look. Remy claims to be genderfluid, alright? The only gender fluidity inside Remy is her straight boyfriend of six years’ cum in her twat. That’s it, everybody. That’s the only gender fluid in you. Congratulations.”
“Good lord…” – Joe DeRosa
At this point, Joe is simply saying what we’re all thinking. Sean is getting some laughs, but his rambling style is only hurting him. As he continues to bookend his jokes with unnecessary verbal tics, he not only steps on Remy’s laughs, but also plenty of his own.
“It’s true, I do have a boyfriend. It’s the only kind of friend zone you’ll never be put in.”
As Remy’s rebuttal earns her some deserved cheers, Sean can’t help but offer up a smirking reply.
“Sean looks like the kind of white guy who loves to explain rap lyrics to black people.”
The room pops. For the first time so far, Sean is speechless. After the crowd dies down, he spits out his final joke.
“Alright, Goth Stefani, let’s see… we used to rap battle, actually. Of course, we don’t any more. Remy drops more N-bombs than Dick Cheney dropped actual bombs, you guys. She’s more privileged… than…”
As he fishes for the tag, Sean comes up short. Coach Tea plays a “wrong answer” buzzer as Sean cops to his memory lapse.
“Aw, I’m bailing guys, fuck!”
“Make it wordier, make it wordier! Talk it out longer!” – Joe DeRosa
“Fucking nailed it, goy in the striped pajamas. Sean was diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, and schizo-affective disorder. He has almost as many mental illnesses as he does unsold copies of his albums.”
Remy’s last joke gets a decent pop from the crowd, and her victory is all but cemented. Sean gets smacked by the judges for his lack of conciseness.
“Sean was talking through that shit like he was in trouble and trying to talk his way out of some shit.” – Joe DeRosa
“It seems like you two fell in love and found a new hobby this week… this was more phoned in than any battle I’ve ever seen.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“It was almost better to watch [the other judges] make faces.” – Blake Griffin
Joe also goes on a tirade with an important piece of advice for new roasters: stop acting like the people you’ve seen do well at this before. Come from the heart, clobber each other, and don’t be boring. Remy wins in a landslide, and Sean hopefully heads home to order a copy of The Elements of Style on Amazon.
“I swear to you, one of these battles is gonna be good.” – Moses
Next up, we have Bear Badeaux taking on Mike Citera. Final judge Freddie Gibbs shows up just in time to watch these two generic white guys sling barbs.
“Mike Citera, you pompous pedophile. Mike looks like the kind of narcissistic kiddie-fucker who hates AMBER Alerts because they didn’t name them after him.”
As the joke faceplants, Bear throws his hands up. It’s almost like he doesn’t know what that joke meant either.
“Okay, Robert Downey Syndrome Jr. You wanna talk about looks? Dude, you look like the white puppet in a school assembly about diversity.”
“Ah, thank you. This coming from the guy who looks like Jeff Dunham’s hidden sex puppet. Mike Citera looks like the kind of guy who knows what it feels like to get his dick stuck in a DVD player.”
The crowd only responds with a mix of silence and confused murmuring. The judges start getting openly hostile with the battlers as Mike tries to begin his second joke.
“As you can see, Bear’s sense of humor is a lot like his crippled wife: messy, undeveloped, and it can’t stand on its own two legs.”
Coach Tea plays the “Mario dying” sound effect, getting the biggest laugh of the entire battle. The actual battlers limp across the finish line.
“Very original, Mike. Disabled jokes coming from a guy whose entire act is a crutch. Look, I don’t support Donald Trump, mainly because I don’t want to come near Mike Citera, because if you accidentally come in contact with any part of Mike Citera’s body, you technically grabbed him by the pussy.”
Coach Tea plays the opening refrain of “Taps” as the entire crowd silently wishes these two were dead.
“What’s wrong with your voice? Do you chase whiskey with helium?”
“Brian, please end this, put it out of its misery. Jesus Christ, what are you waiting for?” – Joe DeRosa
“Bear has the body of a middle school swimmer, and the criminal record of a college swimmer.”
As Joe actively wishes for this battle to end, Mike finally gets a laugh. But it isn’t enough to save either of them.
“That’s worse than the last one! These guys suck, man!” – Tony
“Have you ever heard more ‘you look like’ jokes bomb? You guys look like you’re impersonating Roast Battlers right now.” – Joe DeRosa
“Man, that shit was trash than a motherfucker… Get the fuck out, y’all.” – Freddie Gibbs
As Coach Tea plays the chorus to “Move, Bitch”, Moses tries to get the crowd to vote on who they liked. But both battlers get booed, leaving Autistic Thunder as the winner by default.
Moses promises that we’ll have a good fight this time around as he introduces the next battlers, Mia Mars and Alice Hamilton. Alice volunteers to go first
“Mia Mars… more like Fuckin’ Yikes! You look like your pussy is full of tarantulas.”
Alice gets the biggest pop of the entire night so far as the crowd begins to chant “SPIDER PUSSY!” Mia composes herself.
“I haven’t been called that since middle school. This coming from a woman who looks like she can play the guitar with her teeth. Seriously, you look like the very only version of Michael Jackson that people still like.”
“Thank you, you Insane Clown Cum Dumpster. Mia is so afraid of clowns that she only lets Juggalos rail her from behind.”
“If I recall correctly I didn’t have to make out with Johnny Stewart!”
The back of the room laughs at Mia’s heavily inside baseball reference to her Roastie-nominated bout with Johnny Stewart. But battles aren’t always about the back of the room.
“Nobody gets that!” – Autistic Thunder
“Nobody gets that, but shut up, it’s funny! Thank you, Di-Anorexic Ross. You do look like Diana Ross. And you look like you shop at Ross.”
“Goddamn!” – Moses
“Mia Mars, you MySpace meth demon. You look like Rosemary’s Baby if she put her in the microwave.”
“That’s a good line. You should hang yourself with it. No, I’m serious. The only difference between you and every white girl is that they have better hair.”
Finally, a good battle! The judges only have praise and looks-based insults for these two.
“Alice, I’m very excited to see your performance in the new Harriet Tubman movie. You went up against a girl tonight who apparently was born in an ashtray. Very, very good.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“This was the best fight between a salamander and a Chia Pet I have ever seen.” – Joe DeRosa
“[Alice], I thought you were awesome, and [Mia], I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you in your life.” – Brady Matthews
“I was fucking with the motherfucker who looked like Puggsley and shit when she walked up, but I’ma give that shit to Shea Butter. Shea Butter killed that shit.” – Freddie Gibbs
“This was a pretty good community college re-enactment of my favorite episode of Pose on FX.” – Saudi Prince
It’s close, but Alice wins the audience vote. But as Tony Hinchcliffe put it, this one was a battle that everyone won – especially the newly-invigorated crowd.
Moses introduces the next battlers, Robyn Blake and Lou Misiano. Robyn strides to the stage in fishnets, a wig, and a black one-piece, while Lou comes up looking dapper as always. However, he’s immediately undercut:
“Hey valet, you got my keys? Pull the Benz right back around front, motherfucker… black Benz, bitch, black Benz.” – Freddie Gibbs
Lou, unwavering, sits down and starts combing his hair. Moses asks why he’s battling and Lou lets the crowd know exactly the kind of jokes they’ll be in for:
“Why? Look at it.. this is why we shouldn’t raid Area 51, because now all these science experiments are gonna be running around like they deserve rights.”
The comics seem into it. The crowd seems shellshocked. Moses asks who’s going first, and Lou doubles down.
“Well, as a gentleman, I must insist: kind of ladies first.”
Lou flashes an evil grin as Robyn launches into her first joke.
“Lou, you’re so vain, you think every #MeToo post is about you.”
“As long as we’re starting on a somber note, I’d like for us all to have a moment of silence to honor Robyn. And the other brave firefighters clearly affected by radiation poisoning from the Chernobyl meltdowns.”
“Thank you, Fifty Shades of Gay. Lou’s a big fan of James Bond. He’d be exactly like Agent 007 if the double-oh stood for the number of times he made a girl cum.”
“Robyn is exactly like the Transformers movies: an abomination before the Lord.”
“Thank you, porn parody Keanu Reeves. Lou is a good-looking man, but he’ll never be a daddy. He’s a real DILF: douche I’d let fall off a bridge.”
“I’m very happy to be here tonight, and I’m very honored that Robyn took off time away from ruining bathrooms to be here tonight as well.”
Solid fight. The crowd takes a while to warm up to Lou but he gets ‘em by the end. Robyn, however, is solid from the jump. As the judges begin to weigh in, it looks like it might be her fight to lose.
“This was crazy. Which one has a pussy and which one has a dick again?” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“They both look like mannequins from different stores at the mall… I’m just sad she didn’t burn a photo of the Pope, you know?” – Saudi Prince
“We’re in the Era of the Woman right now, and you can’t compete with a chick with a dick… GI Jane fucked you up.” – Freddie Gibbs
“I guess I’m gonna go with the guy on the left? Or the guy on the right, whichever you want.” – Blake Griffin
“Rose McGowan, all the way, man.” – Joe DeRosa
Lou gets some goodwill during the audience vote, but Robyn is clearly the favorite. She earns her win and sashays off the stage.
And just like that, we’re at the night’s final undercard: Deirdre Devlin versus Joe Eurell. The stakes are laid out right from the jump, and they are juicy.
“I told Joe if he wins I’ll let him eat my pussy, and I’ve been wanting to donate to Meals on Wheels, so…”
“If she let a dog eat her pussy, I figured I have a chance.”
“I’m pretty excited, I’ve never seen a guy eat pussy out of a pudding cup before.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
As the crowd chants “EAT HER PUSSY,” Moses reminds the viewers at home that Deirdre willingly signed up for this. The starting bell rings and she takes the first swing.
“Joe recently realized he’s an alcoholic, which is pretty sad. Because he won’t be able to do the twelve steps.”
“It’s hard for Deirdre to keep a man, because every time she tells him to clap them cheeks, he smacks her face.”
“Joe, you look like you need help opening up a pickle jar that’s already been opened.”
“You look like you wear glasses just to let everybody know you can read.”
“Thank you, Wheel of Misfortune.”
“Thank you, Bitch McConnell.”
“Joe, I didn’t understand what you said. You sound like Buffalo Bill if he ripped his own skin off. The only person who moves less in bed than I do is Joe. I just lay there, but Joe just shits there.”
“You know, Deirdre is bisexual. Which means she has male and female dogs eat her pussy.”
Between laughs, chants of “THAT’S FUCKED UP,” and some outright cheering, it’s safe to say that this one is the battle of the night. Brady Matthews and Tony Hinchcliffe give Joe a standing ovation for his last joke. But Deirdre, not finished yet, launches into an impromptu overtime.
“Yeah, I go both ways. Just like Joe’s hands.”
“And kinda like your eyes.”
The crowd applauds these two fine battlers as the VIP panel starts to throw out some praise.
“That joke about male and female dogs eating her pussy… that was so good, Joe, I thought you were just gonna get up and walk out of here.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“It was neck and neck…” – Joe DeRosa
“It was more like neck and broken neck.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“I enjoyed the Moderate Ms. Maisel… but I also enjoyed whoever tried to 3D print Steve Buscemi but couldn’t get the chromosomes right.” – Saudi Prince
After some brief negotiating about where Joe’s pussy-eating prize will happen, the audience officially gives him the win.
“I’ll take a sponge bath.” – Joe Eurell
“I’ll give you a sponge bath… with my tongue!” – Deirdre Devlin
After all that, it’s time for the main event, as two of the sport’s best newcomers take the stage: Bryan Vokey and Zach Stein.
“As a fan of the Detroit Pistons, it’s great to see Blake Griffin here.” – Zach Stein
“Man, even Blake ain’t a fan of the Detroit Pistons.” – Freddie Gibbs
“No, I don’t want to play for a team that gave me forty million! Oh no!” – Blake Griffin
It’s late, it’s hot, and these battlers are ready to get down and dirty. Zach opts to go first.
“People call Bryan and his family white trash. But, clearly, that gene pool is recycled.”
“You sound like Norm MacDonald’s battery is dying.”
“Bryan’s uncle is a pedophile, but his parents were able to protect him. By making such an unfuckable child.”
“At least I know my parents. Zach’s parents hired a surrogate mother because he’s not allowed inside a woman unless she’s gettin’ paid.”
“Pussy paid for is much better than pussy earned, y’know?”
“Way to be Jewy about it.”
“Yeah, Jews love to pay more for things. And we just go play video games after, it’s great. But, uh, Bryan used to instruct preschool kids. That’s pre-school, as in he’d grab ‘em before their first day.”
“Zach is a 30-year-old man who spends all day playing Pokémon on Nintendo Switch. If that doesn’t tell you he’s been molested, then I’m telling you: he’s been molested.”
“Bryan’s mom died fifteen years ago. You have her eyes.”
The battle has been cooking along up to this point, but this joke is just too esoteric for the crowd this late in the show. Zach whiffs. Bryan looks confused for a second, then launches back in.
“You are so boring. Hey, how much did your surrogate mother get paid? Because I want half for carrying you tonight.”
BOOM. This crowd still has juice left and Bryan just squeezed it out of ‘em. Zach attempt to retort –
“Literally more than you’ve ever made in a year.”
– but it comes off more like a weird brag, and the crowd doesn’t respond. Looks like Zach’s battling on borrowed time at this point.
“Bryan once fisted a senior citizen. Again: Bryan once fisted a senior citizen. Coincidentally, the sound it made when he took his hand out was spelled AARP.”
“Zach, you fat Jew. How are you a Jew? They control the banks, they control Hollywood, they control real estate… you can’t even control your appetite.”
Bryan brings it in for a landing, then the judges fire off their final barbs.
“The dad from the Addams Family came out and fuckin’ dominated, and the kid from A Christmas Story’s shirt was as stretched out as his material tonight.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“I’m gonna be honest, I drank a lot tonight. And I’ll continue to be honest, I didn’t pay attention to this battle…” -Joe DeRosa
“This motherfucker was on Tinder!” – Freddie Gibbs
“…but I’m gonna give it to [Bryan] because it sounds like he did better.” – Joe DeRosa
“This was a great battle between the last two employees of Blockbuster.” – Saudi Prince
Bryan takes the win, and everybody heads home happy, sleepy, and finally understanding what the fuck to expect when they come to watch Roast Battle.