The Roast Battles are set to begin and the Chant Master, Joshua Meyrowitz, is leading the crowd in a spirited “Battle” chant.
Moses kicks off the show and introduces Coach Tea in the DJ booth, CP in the judge’s section, and Saudi Prince in the hater’s corner.
The first battle of the night features juggalo reverend Johnny Stewart taking on newcomer Stephanie Michele. There is more to this battle though as we learn when Moses asks Johnny why they’re battling:
“She’s my ex-girlfriend and shit. I have a little bet she doesn’t know about, that if she beats me I’m going to give her back her panties that she left at my pad. If she uses, I’ll probably throw it in to the crowd or wear it home. I’m into kinky shit.”
The theatrics do not succeed in getting the crowd to laugh, but they do a nice job of setting up Johnny as the villain, and having a clear good and evil is one formula for a successful and enjoyable battle. We’ll see if Stephanie can fill the role of the hero.
Stephanie is brought up and instead of asking why she’s battling Johnny, Moses asks the question on everyone’s mind:
“Why did you date this guy?”
“We didn’t date.”
“This is good already”.
“Yeah, I just fucked him for a minute because I was depressed.”
This leads to a “her too” chant from the audience and it looks like she has them on her side.
“This guy looks like what would happen if you didn’t put weed at the end of speedweed.com” -Saudi Prince
Johnny volunteers to go first and the battle begins.
“Alright sweetheart, let me show you how it’s done. Stephanie has OCD, which means every time she gets dumped, she has to call me seven times.”
“That’s great coming from if HPV was a person.”
“You gave it to me. Are you really going to bring that up? There goes my second joke”
“Johnny, you are the second joke.”
Johnny pulls out his phone.
“Google something good” -Saudi Prince
“How are you?”
“I miss you”
“Who said chivalry is dead?”-Moses
“It died in his bed”
“Johnny is, let’s see I don’t know how to put this. Johnny is where you go after a failed suicide attempt”
“Oh yeah, I do good with cutters. Anyone thinking about dating Stephanie should know: she gives toothy blowjobs, she’ll date your friend right after you, her tits are saggy, and her pussy tastes like it’s had a couple kids.”
“At least I get to keep mine. I feel like roasting Johnny is pretty sad, considering high school probably already beat me to it”
“Stephanie’s ex husband was an abusive coke head. Then she dated me, then she dated an abusive coke head. You should’ve probably told me what you wanted from the beginning, we might still be together.”
“If only the voices in Johnny’s head were as funny as Johnny is”
It’s hard to tell if this was exactly three jokes, since at some points it broke into a more conversational format and comebacks seemed to play as jokes. Stephanie gets the biggest pop with her remark about getting to keep her children.
“This shit looked like child support court. Johnny came in looking like a young Benjamin Franklin. Johnny you might be in trouble, she looks like Jafar’s niece” -CP
Pat Barker and Alex Duong join the judging
“This was super uncomfortable. If there sex was half as uncomfortable as this, I understand why she went to the abusive coke head after. Johnny, you read your second joke off you phone, which normally I’d deduct points for, but I was just happy you can read.” -Pat Barker
Jeff Dye arrives, Johnny puts Stephanie’s panties in his mouth
“Johnny, did you wash those panties?” -Moses
“Fuck no. What’s the point of that. You think I want to taste dryer sheet” -Johnny
“I know I’m late, but I like the lady in the vest with the cleavage” -Jeff
Stephanie snatches her under garments back, to the crowds delight
“I’m going to give it to Moana’s reflection in Silverlake” -Saudi Prince
The vote goes to the audience and Johnny gets zero reaction, not a cheer or a boo, truly a rare feat in Roast Battle. Stephanie gets her first win and her underwear back.
The second battle of the night has Mexican mortician, Juan Cias taking on soon to be dead guy, Anthony Davis. Anthony is brought up first, followed by Juan. Moses asks Juan why they’re battling:
“He’s actually my really good friend, and he’s not doing so well. So I’m going to take measurements for his casket real quick”. Then Juan does prop comedy.
“This little used dead body salesman right here” -CP
Frank Castillo joins the judging table as this battle begins and Juan, empowered by his countrymen, volunteers to go first
“Everybody always confuses him for the basketball player, but don’t be confused. He’s actually very fat and very white. So fat and white, that the fact that Trump will describe him as a fine individual on both sides.”
“That’s not a roast, I feel like that’s a true statement. Man, you look like you work for the law offices of taco bell.”
“hold on there Jeff Fatsworthy. Now, if you have a microwave sitting on top of another working microwave, you might be Anthony Davis.”
“Don’t come at me with those fat jokes. The only thing that’s not fat on you is your fucking mustache”
“It’s a weak mustache” -Joshua Meyrowitz
“Juan looks like his real kids call him step-dad”
“Anthony Davis, he recently got married to a very lovely, very supportive wife. I’m really happy for him because he’s going to need someone to lean on when he loses that foot to diabetes.”
“That’s true though, you’re truth, that’s a true statement. Dating Juan is hard, as a mortician, obviously. He just got out of a nine year relationship, which is great because that means you can finally bury her.”
Coach Tea plays The Undertaker’s walk up music and the crowd loves it
Saudi Prince inexplicably gave the battle two towers down, maybe it’s being funded by oil or some political joke I’m out of my depth making.
“I really liked Ed Sheeran if he was stung by bumble bees… Applebees maybe” -Saudi Prince
“I love Applebees” -Anthony Davis
“Nacho Libre’s attorney” -CP
“What?!” -Anthony Davis
“No, his attorney” -CP
“Oh, I thought you were talking to me, like I’m Nacho Libre” -Anthony
“No, you’re nacho bell grande” -CP
It’s a fun battle, with mostly solid jokes and a couple big laughs for Anthony Davis, who takes a unanimous judge and audience vote, moving his record to 3-0
Our last undercard of the night pits the 10-1 Brett Erickson against the fat Tim McGorry.
Tim is brought up first and knocks over a waitress on his fat way up. Moses asks why he’s battling Brett
“He said if I beat him, I can use his AARP membership at restaurants”
Brett is brought up and asked the same question, and answers in a surly fashion
“Because he asked me to. Is that a good enough answer? That’s how it happened. That’s how it works”
“You’re so likable” -Moses
“First guy walked up here, I thought he was going to do an instagram on how to build us a better stage” -CP
“Your voice is really scary, are you a pilot or something?” -CP
“That was the weirdest profile” -Moses
“This looks like the mass shooter and the guy you want to hide behind” -Frank Castillo
Check out Frank on social media for more jokes like this.
After the judges have their fun, the battle is ready to start and Tim volunteers to go first.
“You look like a mechanic that only works on Bird scooters.”
“I should be wearing that shirt, if I was a mechanic. Tim here has been homeless twice. Once because he was broke and once because he couldn’t fit through any doors.”
“Yeah, you fat piece of shit” -Meyrowitz
“You look like you get a senior citizen’s discount from your molly dealer.”
“I do actually, he’s very nice. You may recognize Tim’s head from the globe in your eighth grade home room.”
“Was that the end of it?”
“Yeah, you heard the laughter? I know you’re not used to getting that, but that’s how you know”
“You look like you ask your kids to Venmo you a couple bucks when you pick them up from school in an Uber pool”
“I wish they, I really wish they would. LA is very very expensive. Tim doesn’t go to the pool. Not because he can’t swim, but because he’s never been more than two weeks away from active diarrhea”
“They look like the two youngest Vietnam vets. I’ve got to give it to Seth McFarlane’s recessive genes.” -Saudi
As we go to the judge’s table, a chant for one more joke begins and the crowd is obliged. Brett goes first this time
“Tim, you look like you wear the sweat socks you masturbate into”
“Brett, you look like you go to early bird special raves”
Brett’s overtime joke gets the biggest reaction of the battle, and delivers him a clear victory after a close match in regulation.
The Main event features polar opposites of white guys, Josh Waldron and Ashley Johnson. Moses gets the intros started.
“He’s a Raider fan and I love him, Josh Waldron” -Moses
“A raider fan?!” -CP
“This is what Raiders fans look like” -Moses
“The Las Vegas Raiders” -CP
“Who are you battling” -Moses
“His sexuality” -I couldn’t tell who
“That’s why I wanted to do this battle. I love getting called gay and can’t wait to see the ways Ashley calls me gay. Today on twitter, someone said I look like an uncle transitioning to an aunt. So, I’m just really excited to see what he’s got”
There’s nothing wrong with a good defense, but Josh may have jumped the gun and came off as defensive, where it could’ve appeared more natural had he waited for Ashley to be on stage and make a gay joke. Instead, it came off a bit forced and the crowd is not loving it.
“You look like a closeted heterosexual” -Saudi Prince
“You look like if Mulan succeeded” -Saudi Prince
“Can we get the foreigner out of here?” -Josh
“You look like a wet seal who shops at wet seal” -Saudi
“Still not as good as the time someone said I look like the last of the homohiccans” -Josh
“Come on, he’s got to get back to being the yoga instructor on Grand Theft Auto” -Saudi Prince
Ashley comes up, Moses greets him with his customary “white power, white power” and asks why he’s battling Josh
“I mean, look at him, I’m always up for a good gay bashing”
This relaxed, quick answer gets a decent pop, showing that Josh’s attempted defense likely was in vain and that gay jokes will work. Josh volunteers to go first.
“Ashley’s not really much of a road comic, but he did just get done killing in El Paso and Dayton”
“If Josh was a Mortal Kombat character, his finishing move would be AIDS”
“Ashley seems like a scary dude, but if you get to know him he’s a really nice rapist.”
“Josh, just because you give dream catchers to the people you rape, doesn’t make you better than me.”
“Ashley has 20 foster brothers. Do you know how shitty of a son you have to be, that your parents try to replace you 20 times.”
“Josh is an actor, his best known role is pretending to be straight at Thanksgiving.”
“Ashley is only racist because he wants there to be another Civil War to reenact”
“Josh, you look like all your butt plugs are made of healing rose quartz”
“This is a low point for me, getting called gay by a dude named Ashley. Ashley looks like the only wizard that has to stay 500 ft from Hogwarts.”
“Josh is such a douchey hipster, he only fucks women to be ironic.”
“That was fucking powerful my friend. That was 9/11 plus what I’m going to do this year” -Saudi Prince
“This reminds me of the kind of battle you’d see, while he walks to his car alone at night” -Saudi Prince
Saudi Prince makes a Don King reference, Jeff Dye makes a WWE Wyatt family reference. They argue over whose reference was worse, before finding common ground in being richer than everyone else there and find true love, and had sex right there.
“This is two opposite ends of the spectrum. Josh looks like he catch pokemon and fuck em. And Ashley looks like he catch Josh and fuck him” -CP
“Ashley kept elevating his jokes, each joke topped the last one” -CP
“Yeah, all the gay jokes were really good” -Josh
“Well you’re the one who came extra gay today” -CP
“Great battle of LGBT versus BLT.” -Alex Duong
Josh gets praise throughout, but Ashley takes unanimous win adding to his already impressive resume.