by Tony Bartolone

Tonight at Roast Battle, as the show creeps towards its four-year anniversary, a bevy of rising Belly Room stars take the stage to show off their chops, including a main event bout between two of the sport’s scrappiest youngsters. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will faint in the sweltering attic of the Comedy Store? Only time will tell.

We’ve got great panel of judges to tenderize the pigs before
their put on the spit. First off, you know her from season one of Roast Battle
on Comedy Central, Sarah Tiana. Next up, we got the most recent winner of Last
Comic Standing, Clayton English. I was audience when they shot LCS, and a
handful of comics had jaw-dropping good sets at different points in the show.
Clayton English was one of those comics. We’ve got an unlikely addition to Roast
Battle, though an extremely funny comic, Ian Abramson. Often times abstract and
always absurd, Ian’s comedy is always refreshingly original. He recently
performed on Conan wearing a shock collar and gave the remote to an audience
member to shock him if they didn’t like a joke. Finally, one of the most feared
opponents to ever compete, Jay Light. With a combination of sharp writing, a vicious no-holds-barred attitude, and a friendly face, Jay Light has been making
people laugh and gasp in The Belly Room for some time now. It’s great to see
him jump up to the judges’ dais and do his thing on a new platform. Let’s

We start things off with a double virgin sacrifice, when
Ryan Pigg takes on Beowulf Jones.


Just so we’re clear, I was saying they are Roast Battle
virgins, as well as the regular kind. Ryan Pigg is in an a capella improv
quartet. That’s an improv team that sings in the style of a barbershop quartet.
Yes, that is a thing, apparently. I guess they thought people didn’t hate
improv enough already. Maybe they’re good, who knows. I actually like improv
and have a lot of theories about why people hate it, but this is neither the
time nor place nor occupation nor line of dialogue you overheard today. If you
didn’t get that joke, you haven’t watched enough improv to have an opinion on
it. Anyway, there’s a video of Beowulf Jones on YouTube naming all of Woody
Allen’s movies in chronological order. Appropriately enough, he also looks like
he would marry his adopted Asian daughter and be accused of sexual assault. He’s
named after an epic poem, but he can’t even get a girl to write her phone
number. We’ll see how this goes. 

Next up, Brett Eby faces off with Darran Davis.


This battle looks like Hitler’s wet dream versus Malcom X’s dry elbows. In his
past performances, Darran Davis has been hit and miss, and unfortunately so have
the police. Blue lives matter if we’re talking about the color of Brett’s
gorgeous eyes. Brett Eby is so white he doesn’t even need to wear a sheet. Brett
looks like he has a black girlfriend just to prove he’s one of the good ones. Darran
really needs to step it up if he’s going to make a name for himself at Roast
Battle. We might witness him stepping out of the shadows and into Roast Battle
stardom, but we’re more likely to witness a hate crime. Either way, it’ll be

In our third battle, Lou Vahram challenges Isaac Hirsch.


You might recognize Isaac Hirsch from his recent appearance on
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Spoiler: Isaac still does. Isaac looks like such a nerd he has #GeekSquadGoals.
Lou Vahram made his debut on the rankings, and if he doesn’t win this battle
he’ll get kicked right the fuck off. After his loss to Unruly Heather Marulli,
he might get knocked off anyway, but he definitely will if he loses this match.
Isaac Hirsch is a strong comic and a formidable opponent. Those are the only
ways he’s strong and formidable. Lou has got the experience edge inside the
Belly of the Beast. Overall, it looks to be a promising fight. 

Our next battle features Eric Abbenante going toe-to-toe
with Zahra Ali.


It’s matzah versus mosque in this classic matchup. Look out
Iliza Shlesinger, Zahra Ali might be doing some WWII jokes because Eric
Abbenante looks like one of those malnourished Jews in a concentration camp. Eric
has been fairly consistent with the qualities of his battles, recently knocking
out Victor Martinez Jr. in a really fun undercard. Zahra Ali has had a good
showing in her short battle career. We’ll see if these two can finally settle
the conflicts in the Middle East or if Trump slipped a Muslim ban into the new
Healthcare bill.

In our penultimate battle, Kevin McNamara flexes his muscles
against John-Michael Bond.


This battle looks like an episode of a 90’s sitcom where the
jock makes a deal with the nerd to help him get a girl to notice him in
exchange for him helping him pass his Chemistry test. Except they’re way too
old for high school… just like in a 90’s sitcom. John-Michael Bond looks like
he does everything gingerly. He looks like he’ll corner you at a party and tell
why vinyl has a superior sound. John-Michael is married, so sorry ladies,
you’re going to have to settle for Kevin McNamara. Kevin has been battling a
bunch lately. You start wonder why somebody would battle so much. Why would somebody
need that much attention? Well, my best guess is that there is a hole at the
pit of that person’s being. Some nagging void. Some primal need for approval.
Every man has the need to impress their father. Most religions are built around
a paternal figure for that same reason. When their father is absent, like in
Kevin’s case, they look elsewhere. Who Cares!?

In our one round, five joke main event, Nicole Becannon
takes on Quentin Thomas.


Quentin is tall, has acne and his girl friend
left him for his best friend. There are plenty of subjects for wicked burns on the artist formerly known as Quincy Mascaracholo. Speaking of burns, his house burned down when he was a kid.
Also, between these two, there are a bunch of failed suicide attempts. One time
Milton Quesarito tried to kill himself by jumping out of his second story
window. He instead found a convenient way of getting in and out of the house. He looks like Screech in a fun house mirror. Nicole Becannon
has the face of somebody who’s dated a heroin addict. She somehow looks like an
old lady and a toddler. She looks like the female Benjamin Button. Look, both
these kids are great fucking battlers, and this will be one hell of a main
event. Make your way to the Belly Room to witness the pandemonium live.  

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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