The battle chants rumble through the Belly Room as Cort McCown, Luis J. Gomez, Ramon Rivas, Ian Edwards, Tony Hinchliffe and Jeff Ross settle into their seats to pass judgment on those brave enough to step into the Thunderdome. The first brave soul is Saul Trujillo followed by his Bizzarro self, Taylor Evans. Taylor takes first joke and we’re off and struggling to breathe while standing still.
“Uh, Saul, uh, recently just got his first break. He’s gonna be in the revamped and, uh, redone Indian in the Cupboard movie playing uh… the fat paisa in the pantry.”
“Alright, uhh… Taylor is biracial and has a tribal tattoo so he’s half white and half he doesn’t know his dad and we can tell.”
“Fuckin’ live action Squidbilly. Guys, Saul Trujillo has like a very strong hispanic name. It translates directly to, uh, body made of tapioca with little feet.”
“Taylor’s actually new fat. He used to be a heroin addict. And uh, like his current rib recipe, he didn’t do it with needles. He smoked it off of aluminum foil.”
“Fuckin’ Ted Talk on ribs… Guys, Saul actually has a girlfriend, despite how he looks. And she recently got the lap band surgery, which has really helped, she lost a hundred pounds really quick, which is dope. She’s soon gonna learn to lose another three hundred pounds of mediocre, once anybody else will fuck her, honestly.”
After calling Saul’s joke a Ted Talk, Taylor performs the worst lap band infomercial of all time. The real info here is how not to deliver. He could’ve cut three hundred pounds off that joke.
“This is a true story, Taylor actually went to high school with Colin Kaepernick and is friends with Colin Kaepernick. They were both biracial athletes. The only difference is that Colin took a knee for black rights, and diabetes is gonna take Taylor’s knees and that’s not right.”
Saul gets the biggest pop of the battle with his last joke, clenching the victory. The judges and audience agree, so Saul Trujillo waddles away with the win.
Kim McVicar comes to the stage next followed by her opponent Alice Hamilton, who kicks off battle number two:
“Hey Kim, are you the city bus? Because being inside of you makes grown men regret all their life choices.”
“Thank you, black Elton John. Alice loves to say her black dad is racist toward black people. But it’s just because she just can’t accept that he just doesn’t love you.”
“Just glad your brother’s not alive to see that, umm… Kim’s brother died of AIDS and her brother is in jail. But when her dad found out she’s a female open mic comedian in her thirties he was like, Yeah, I’m the least proud of you. I’m kidding, he didn’t say that, because he is also dead.”
“It is true, my dad is dead, my brother went to prison, my other brother died of AIDS and I used to be a backup dancer for Diddy. Are you just jealous I’m more black than you are? No, no, no, no… Alice — a lot of people don’t know this — she’s around kids a lot, she actually used to own a daycare. And she clearly dresses like Michael Jackson so you guys figure it out. Too bad she’ll still never get an HBO special out of that.”
“Yeah, yeah, we get it Kim, I’m not nearly as black as your dad’s coffin. Kim used to dance with Wade Robson, one of Michael Jackson’s boyfriends, I guess. She never got to go to Neverland Ranch because Michael already had enough horses.”
“Alice claims that she’s allergic to latex. But let’s face it ladies, we all just know that that’s code for she has chlamydia and prefers abortions.”
Alice is pretty consistent throughout, getting decent laughs. Kim, on the other hand, doesn’t get much with her first and third, but has an explosive comeback followed by a big double-bomb in her second joke. Moses surveys the audience twice and it’s too close to call. The third time a large portion of the audience doesn’t vote for either of them, but the people screaming for Kim keep screaming. Jeff Ross asserts his authority declaring Alice the clear winner. Personally, I agree that Alice won, but this is a strange turning point in the show leading into the next battle where the audience shuts down.
Matt LeGrande comes to the stage and asserts this:
“Well, Billy’s been accused of sexual assault multiple times, so… I wanted to teach him about consent.”
Billy Anderson comes to the stage next and does his best to break the tension:
“Uh, everyone’s mortified, this is such a fun way to start comedy…”
Billy says Matt’s going first, so he does:
“Billy’s a ginger, and I’ve always wondered, do the curtains match the rapes?”
“Yeah, my beard is ginger and your beard is every girl you dated in high school. Matt’s from Indonesia, he’s from one of the most densely populated cities in the world. So even before he came out as gay, he’s used to dudes cramming into places they shouldn’t be able to fit in.”
Billy’s comeback does pretty well, but it’s followed by a severely unfortunate joke choice, considering how Matt started things off. It is a somewhat graphic description of an uncomfortable cramming, which is not the image the audience wants hear about.
“Alight, calm down Elijah Wood with Down syndrome. Billy talks a lot about losing one hundred and fifty pounds but his roommate also killed herself, so technically he lost three hundred.”
“You’re gonna make fun of my suicidally dead roommate, the only thing lower than that is your T cell count. Matt’s last name is LeGrande, which in Spanish means the big one. And it’s interesting that his ancestors knew his answer to, What dildo do you want?”
“Billy, when people call you a redhead, they’re not talking about your hair. They’re talking about the blood on your dick.”
“Thank you so much, Aryan LeGrande.”
“They did not like the rape jokes.”
“No… Matt’s from Indonesia, that’s like a Muslim country, and he does drag. But he doesn’t know anything about Islam or the religion at all. He thinks Sharia Law is just another pop star he can dress up and dance as.”
Things got weird, and not in a fun way. I’ll say this, if you’re going to address sexual assault allegations in such a blunt way, do a ton of research and/or be really funny. I don’t think Matt did either. The judges try to figure out what happened. Billy defends himself, explaining that he some drama years ago with Lindy West and rumors were spread about him. The whole thing more resembles a judiciary confirmation hearing than a Roast Battle. After doing extensive research, I found that Billy made a pretty funny parody account of writer Lindy West, and was seen as anit-feminist as a result. I could find no evidence or even claims of sexual assault. Here’s a blog about the drama that happened if you care to dig deeper. Brian Moses, with the support of audience noise, gives the win to a guy in the front who looks like Fabio.
Just when it seems things can’t get anymore strange, Johnny Stewart comes to the stage dressed in full Juggalo makeup, followed by Lou Misiano in a trademark suit. The stage now looks like two dudes highly trained in sexual assault. Johnny explains that if he loses, Lou gets his denim vest, but if he wins he gets Lou’s suit. The theatrics at work here may just be what this audience needs to shake off the last battle.
“This looks like a defendant battling his lawyer.” – Ian Edwards
Johnny takes first joke:
“You’re a despicable douche soaked in Drakkar Noir,
who spends all his time drugging bitches at bars,
addicted to coke and secretly broke,
in a suit hiding suicide scars.”
“Johnny is so disgusting he looks like he was born nine months after his parents had anal.”
“[with a belch] I’m not gonna lie, that was pretty good.”
“I know, I wrote it.”
“He went to Penn State filled with doom,
he dropped out of Penn State with a boom,
he was getting his major and having a rager,
till they found him with a minor in his room.”
“Johnny, you look like you exclusively fuck in porta potties. [Lou takes out a mirror and admires himself] Johnny likes to sleep with comics so I’ve decided to nickname him The Patriarchy because he’s constantly fucking unfunny fat chicks.”
“Your sister OD’d on H,
your brother shot himself in the face,
what made us all sad was the thought your dad had,
that we wish you had taken their place.”
“My sister’s in hell, at least she can hang out with your dead best friend. Johnny has an eleven year old daughter, is she elev- why the fuck would you know? He’s got an eleven year old daughter and Johnny’s daughter calls Johnny Santa Claus because Johnny only shows up once a year and she no longer believes in him.”
This is a supremely entertaining battle. Johnny gradually finds his rhythm reciting his jokes in verse in between slamming Coronas, but Lou is near perfect beginning to end. And I’m not talking about his well-groomed appearance.
“Poetry has no place anywhere.” – Ramon Rivas
Brian Moses notices a girl in the crowd fawning over Lou and asks if it’s his girl. The man sitting next her immediately replies in a charming British accent:
“She’s my girl, but she sucks him off.” – British guy in audience
“I never thought we’d get to see Bruce Wayne battle the drunk Joker. It’s like watching a Wolf of Wall Street battle a pig of Gower.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Johnny Stewart loses his vest and Lou rides him out, barebelly, like the cowgirl he was born to be.
Julian Fernandez and Paige Wesley appear front and center to complete the night in one last three joke bout. Julian starts off:
“Paige was in a sorority, which is weird because usually the only thing you rush is a buffet.”
“Julian is ethnically ambiguous. He’s mom’s Mexican, but his dad was a forehead.”
“Thank you, Danielle DeVito.”
“You’re welcome, Little Caesar Chavez.”
“No problem, Joan Goodman.”
“Any time, Bro-se Cuervo.”
“No worries, Melissa McCardiac-arrest. I’m actually surprised Paige was available to battle, usually she’s busy podcasting, working or calling the police on black people.”
“Julian and his dad don’t see eye to eye. It’s not that they disagree, it’s just that Julian’s always fucking squinting.”
“I’m high all the time, alright… Paige’s fiance is a lumberjack, and he loves going down on her ’cause she cums maple syrup.”
“It’s true, my fiance is a lumberjack. You look like one, but a lumberjack who the only ax he uses is body spray. Julian played football in high school, and you can tell because he seems like he should be wearing a helmet.”
“You’ll get a joke in there sometime soon.”
Julian has the performance of his career, besting Paige in the name game and earning a Jamar Neighbors selfie for it.
“This is like one guy who ate all the edibles versus one girl who thinks everything’s edible.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
Julian Fernandez gets the last win in what was a wild ride of a night. See you next Tuesday!
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