What a fantastic night to be back at Roast Battle Tuesday night. The crowd was aflame, the battles were bangers, and the room was so packed it was back to feeling like 1,000 degrees. The judges overseeing the heat at the start of the night were Bruce Jingles, Frank Castillo, Pat Barker, and Jeff Ross. Our beloved host Brian Moses has some fun up top but quickly jumps into the battles.
The first undercard of the night is a virgin suicide between Michael King and Dave Shelton, two handsome and charming shit givers. Notice I didn’t say funny. What a great way to start a night of battles taking place during Black History Month. Michael is brought to the stage first, and Brian Moses asks him why he is battling Dave tonight. Michael responds, “I was supposed to be battling this Mexican, but his ass went to China or some shit. So, for David, I told him I was going to bring awareness to the crack epidemic in his neighborhood.” Moses asks, “Really! There’s still crack happening?,” and Michael responds, “there’s still crack happening. San Bernardino.” David Shelton is summoned to the stage next. Moses is curious how long these two have known each other, which prompts Dave to reveal they met about a year ago. He is then asked why he is battling Michael. “‘LA has so much fucking skid row, I’m like, you just pick a place and shit right there, bro.’” This confusing answer prompts Jeff Ross to say, “These look like Jussie Smollet’s last two friends.” Moses decides to jump right into a long night, with David starting us off.
“Michael made an Instagram video this morning talking about, ‘first roast battle. David, I’m coming for you’. I’m like, ‘bro, your teeth are so fucking yellow, bro. Why are they so yellow? It looks like you’ve been smoking dick and gargling piss every morning. Like, you just walked out the house, and said ‘fuck brushing my teeth’”.
“So, look, we all know 90% of black men leave their family, right? Not in David’s case. His whole family left his ass. They know goddamn well his ass was gonna end up either homeless, on meth, or on welfare. Fuck it.”
“Michael stinks. Like, I don’t know if there’s a cologne for an all male gangbang, but if there was, it’d be called ‘Dirty Booty Nigga’ by Michael King.”
“Good shit. So, it’s Black History Month, right? I’d like to introduce the first black incel that masturbates in the bath tub with his shirt and socks while watching retard porn.”
“Michael’s mouth is so dirty when he spits on the pussy during sex, he might as well have poured a cup of trash can water on the coochie.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Rodney King’s ghost. I can see that the aftermath is still kick your ass–”
“Michael is like an–”
“He said last joke, nigga. Stop.”
Frank Castillo’s presence is now announced at the judges’ panel. Bruce Jingles gives David the win mostly for his cologne joke, while the others vote for Michael to win.
“Malcom X didn’t die for this.” – Pat Barker.
“Every time you say virgin suicide, I appear out of nowhere. I would have liked for him to say “World Star” at the end, but this was a great reunion of KC & Jojo” – Saudi Prince.
Roast Battle is a tough show to just go up and do. There is a huge learning curve there, and with no open mics designed to get better at roasting, these gentlemen should be applauded for their bravery. That being said, their jokes were all too wordy. If they could trim all the fat off of their jokes, they would do better with the audience. Act outs don’t really work, so every word counts in a roast joke. Even though the judges were decisively for Michael, the audience couldn’t decide one way or the other. Therefore, it was determined a draw. If these battlers come back, we hope to see them learn from their mistakes and come back stronger. For the sake of the audience.
Onto the next battle, Andrea More is brought to the stage first and asked why she is battling her opponent, Dana Donnelly. She says, “Well, we grew up together, and I feel like it’s a good opportunity to put her in her place. We also have a lot in common: we both went to the same high school, we’re both 5 feet tall, and I write both of our punchlines.” Moses responds with, “that was a solid monologue.” Again, this is a reminder of the importance of word economy in the game of Roast Battle. Dana is brought up next and asked the same question. She says, “there can only be one 14 year old girl in comedy.” This jokes goes over great with the audience. In this battle between who stole whose barbie, Andrea goes first.
“Dana believes representation matters, which is why she only wears clothing made by kids who look like her.”
“Andrea supports Bernie Sanders, which obviously means Andrea’s parents support Andrea. I guess draining your parent’s bank account is redistribution of wealth.”
“Dana is so thirsty, if she was in the middle of an active shooter situation and she didn’t die, she would be like, “why didn’t he notice me?”
“Andrea’s parents do pay her rent, but in her defense, she does live in a dollhouse.”
“Dana’s dad died a few years ago. She keeps his legacy alive by having sex with a lot of people that aren’t her mom.”
“Andrea didn’t move to Hollywood to follow her dreams. Andrea moved to Hollywood to be where all of the pedophiles who would be willing to date her live.”
This was a very impressive showing of two Roast Battle virgins that blew everyone away with their writing abilities. The judges are sure to give them the credit they deserve. As far as female solidarity goes, I couldn’t be more proud of them.
At this point, Tony “I Roast” Hinchcliffe and Mo Amer take a seat alongside the panel of judges, all of whom have some fun with these two.
“I’m freaking out. Are they the same people? These mushrooms are fucking with my mind. They’re literally Little Women. The one on the right gave me a massage last week.” – Mo Amer
“I enjoyed Michelle Rodriguez in wide screen on the right, but I really have to give it to whoever fed Anne Hathaway after midnight. I give this battle 9 out of 11.” – Saudi Prince
The audience gives it to Andrea More by a hair, and she goes home with her first very well deserved win in a beautiful first showing. We hope to see them both back soon.
Moses introduces the audience to Paulina Combow, who runs up clapping. She says she is battling Lee because he, “ has some roast battles under his belt, and some roast beefs too I think.” The laughter is light, but to be fair, they seem a little loud and chatty. Lee is brought up to the stage next looking like he is about to do a poetry reading. When asked why he is battling Paulina, he says, “I figured, it’s Black History Month, so why not celebrate by having someone white from the UK battle someone white from the South?”. This gets only a little bit bigger of a laugh from this audience, but it is still light. Moses gets the energy back up a bit right before they begin. Paulina goes first.
“Oh god, you guys. I felt so bad. When I heard about the London bombings, I thought Lee just had a show that night.”
“Thank you, Hillbilly Eilish. Paulina looks like if The Wayans Brothers did a down syndrome reboot of White Chicks.”
“Lee coaches kids soccer, because the only team he could play for would be Manchester Far-sighted.”
“Thank you, Rand Paul’s Drag Race. Paulina is currently banging a Mexican and she was specifically looking for a Mexican, because if someone will eat fish tacos, they’ll eat that pussy.”
“Give it up for Pricky Jerkface, you guys. Or is it Gordon Hamsey, I can’t tell. Lee is a financial analyst in Britain. You think he’d be a lot better at tracking pounds.”
“Thank you, Shrill Hicks. Paulina is a massive whore, she’s also from the South. So, I’m not sure what she meant when she told me she likes well hung black guys.”
This battle was pretty lackluster, with Lee getting slightly more laughs than Paulina, who still sounds like she is doing a Sarah Tiana impression. The audience just saw two girls that spend as much time on Tiktok as they do getting fingered under the bleacher do so much better, so they’re a bit bored. The judges lay into them to get the audience laughing again.
“I never thought I’d say it, but bring back those Instagram comics.” – Frank Castillo
“I like that Paulina opened with a London bombing joke, and the crowd honored it with a moment of silence. And Lee, it was like watching the British Office, where I’m like, ‘I’m sure this is funny, but I don’t get it.’” – Pat Barker
“I’ve never disliked white people more.” – Mo Amer
“It was nice to see Gwyneth Paltrow and the Coldplay guy get better. I really liked if Louis CK became the spokesperson for Subway, but I have to give it up for Heather Graham’s reflection in a heroin spoon.”
The audience makes it louder for Paulina Combow, showing their allegiance to Americans, and she takes home her second win.
The last undercard of the evening features Rick Cisario and Josh Edelman, with Josh coming up first looking like Dave Attell if he ate a lot more Burger King. “Rick is kind of like a brother to me, and I’m here to do what older brothers do and put him in his place. Rick is brought up next, steals the mic from Josh’s hand, and piggybacks off of what he said. “I wouldn’t say big brother, I would say a father figure, because he’s usually disappointing.” Josh goes first.
“Rick is short, Italian, and epileptic. Or as I like to call him ‘Little Seizures’”
“That was cute. At least some people will put me in their mouth, Josh. Josh and I are both Italian jews. We do look alike, but really we’re more like the movie Us. He’s bitter and illiterate, and I just want him to leave me alone.”
“Rick discovered he was epileptic after having a seizure in bed with his ex-girlfriend. She knew something was wrong because it was the first time he ever made her cum.”
“I did have a seizure in bed with my ex girlfriend, but at least it’s confirmed that I’ve had sex. Josh, the only time you make a pussy wet is when you use your cat to wipe your tears.”
“Okay, Boy Eats World.”
“Josh, you’re fat!”
“It’s true. Rick and I are like a before and after photo. I’m before I go on a weight watchers. Rick’s after I eat all the prepackaged meals in one sitting.”
“Josh, the only before and after is what it would look like if you had charisma. Josh, you graduated high school right at the start of the Iraq war. You didn’t serve, but you embody that war in that you’re an endless money pit that leaves everyone involved traumatized.”
These two came in with very good jokes, some great “in the moment” rebuttals, and excellent stage presence. It goes to the judges now for their feedback.
“I feel like Rick cut weight for this. This guy came in with fat jokes, and he was like “you’re fat” and it was like “oh no, we all saw, that guy is fat.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
The judges all give these battlers the credit they deserve, and Jeff suggests they do one more joke. The audience hears this and jumps in with a “one more joke” chant. Just like that, this battle is sent into overtime. As Rick unfolds a piece of paper from his pocket, Josh launches in.
“What is that, your screenplay?”
“Josh, I’m brain damaged, and you still needed overtime. Josh has been a magician and a photo booth operator if only his jokes were as creative as his attempts to be around children.”
“Rick and I are both half Jewish and half Italian. I developed a neurotic sense of humor and Rick looks like a meatball.”
“Well, that one’s on me. Sorry” – Jeff Ross
“They had good jokes, come on.” – Brian Moses
Moses poses the question to the audience immediately who they think won, and they give it to Rick Cisario despite Josh getting bigger pops during Overtime. His screenplay comment killed, but Rick was more consistent overall. The two smile, hug, and exit the stage together as friends. It was cute.
Moses introduces the first main event of the evening by saying, “We do this every fucking week, 52 weeks a year, for six years, and I’m probably more excited about this battle than I have been in a long time. This guy is from Philadelphia. So smooth. So slick. Please make it loud for Lou Misiano.”
Lou stumbles out of the door adjacent to the stage covered in red lipstick kiss marks, buttoning his pants, and buttoning up his shirt. “My bad, I was a little busy,” remarks Lou. Moses fires back with, “With Boon Shaka Laka outside?”. Lou slicks his hair back, notices a woman in the front row, flirtatiously shakes her hand, and says, “Oh hi, how are you?”. Brian plays with him by saying “So disrespectful. What’s going on? What happened outside?”. Lou replies, “A little bit of this, little bit of that. Somebody in comedy has to get laid, so it should be me.” Brian Moses says, “Thank you, you walking STD. Let’s get to your opponent. I love this cat. He’s from Boston. Make it loud for Tom Whalen.” Tom comes bumbling onto the stage with this shirt off, only wearing a jacket, which he holds out, and yells, “You ready for some fucking nipples? I’m thick. I’m a thick little bitch, and I’m proud!”. He then addresses our host by calling him a “sexy piece of fudge”. Moses asks Tom why he is battling Lou and he says “I just wanted everyone to know that he is a confirmed pedophile, and I’m here to take him down like Epstein, baby.” Brian asks who is going first next and Lou says, “Well, he probably has a shot of insulin he’s got to take quickly so why doesn’t he go first?” Tom obliges and starts the battle.
“Guys, Lou looks like a substitute teacher that got in trouble for having middle schools kids fuck him.”
“Tom looks like something he’d pick out of his own belly button.”
“That’s funny, because you look like you just got picked out of a lineup for a rape. Guys, give it up for LGBTGQ. Lou looks like a magician that only makes an 8 ball and an 8 year old disappear.”
“I do blow, and Tom blows at comedy. Tom moved to Hollywood to be in movies as the thing that stunt men fall into.”
“Speaking of movies, give it up for fifty shades of gay. You look like you would buy and raise the price of aids medication. He’s secretly a gay guy! He likes guys and he likes fucking them!”
“Tom, look how sweaty and nervous you are. You’re acting like you’re 100 yards from a school. Tom looks like he’s told a lot of 16 year olds ‘you’re different than the other girls in your grade’”.
“Sixteen is legal in New Hampshire. I’m not breaking any laws. Make it loud for Fagley Cooper. Lou, you look like you can’t get hard unless you’re shutting down an orphanage.”
Just then, a woman breaks into the room from the same door he entered in from half dressed. Lou hands her a pair of panties that are in his pocket. Tom talks over this interaction, and Lou ignores it.
“That is Lou’s prostitute. The one he didn’t kill. How much? Hey Lou, can I borrow sixty bucks?”
“Where was I? Oh yeah, Tom likes to finish on his own tits.”
“Lou is just mad because I won’t let him do coke off of my titties. I want to set the record straight. Lou Misiano is not secretly gay, there’s a word for it, but it is definitely not secretly.”
“Oof, and I thought your standup was bad. Jesus. Tom–”
“Lou, you look like you have a secret torture chamber in your house where you just make people watch your stand up.”
“Tom doesn’t fuck a lot. Obviously. In fact, the number of people Tom has slept with is the same number of successful helicopter rides Kobe Bryant has this year.”
This was such an incredible high energy battle. It was filled with killer jokes, outrageous theatrics, and a shirtless sweaty fat man. This audience couldn’t have gotten a better performance from both of these killers. The judges lay in.
“It’s not easy to battle after midnight in a room that’s 4,000 degrees. Tom, Lou does look like a pedophile with a van full of candy, and that also looks like the only reason Tom hangs out with him. But, Lou turned the tides by saying, ‘nuh-uh, you’re a pedophile’.” – Pat Barker
“As a guy who’s a fan on cuming on his own tits, I gotta give it up for that joke.” – Frank Castillo
“I don’t understand why people keep complaining that it’s hot. It’s a nice cool 95 degrees in here. I left 150 degrees to be here. This is what we think all of you are in America.” – Saudi Prince.
Lou sweeps the judging table but Tom retorts with, “listen, I knew I wasn’t winning this the second I got there tonight. [Addressing audience] Did you guys have fun? That’s all that matters.” Lou takes home another win, solidifying his earned title in the rising ranks as one of the best Roast Battle has to offer. The two hug and leave arm in arm off the stage.
Moses dives right in to the last battle of the night by introducing Paige Wesley to Coach T playing “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. Jeff Ross replies, “too soon,” which erupts the audience. When prompted, Paige says, I beat Jay in a comedy competition and I’m just here to say.. it’s not my fault there was a pie eating competition.” Jay Light is brought up next, confidently putting down his drink on the audience member’s table in front of him. Without messing around, he starts busting out bangers. “It’s very exciting. It’s black history month. We got Lizzo in white face. This is going to be a great time. She just took a DNA test, turns out she’s a 100% USDA prime choice.” Paige offers to go first. After a quick “battle” chant that starts the last battle of the night with a high energy buzz, Paige begins.
“Jay is in a long term relationship. With chapstick.”
“Paige is just jealous that her lips are the only thin part about her. You guys, we gotta wrap this up, it’s past midnight and Paige is already turning back into a pumpkin.”
“A lot of people say that Jay looks like a lesbian, but I disagree. You look like you’ve never held a power tool in your life.”
“Paige always looks like she’s wearing too many coats.”
When this joke doesn’t land the way he wanted it to, Jay just shrugs and says “ah, fine. Alright,” and picks up his drink.
“Jay, you look like you have a formal and a casual tiki torch.”
“You know, guys, they say the camera adds 10 pounds. I say ‘Paige, stop eating cameras’.”
“It’s true. I’m fat. And I’d probably cut down on carbs, if I thought I would get a yeast infection on my face like Jay.”
“Thank you, Blob-Ra Streisand.”
“You’re welcome, Weezer Mannequin.”
“Paige will never lose inches until diabetes takes a foot.”
“Or two, so I can just wheel around in a stroller.”
“Like a little dog.”
“Jay, your mustache is so strange. You look like if Where’s Waldo was in witness protection.”
“Paige was a finalist in 2013’s March Comedy Madness, 2016’s Funniest Females, and 2019’s California State Fair Best in Show Large Animal Category.”
This was an excellent battle between two professionals leveling the room in their both individual styles. The judges weigh in.
“Both lesbians did great. Last page or tinder versus last page of Grindr. They both look like they give a great blowjob because they have to. They both look like different kinds of Children of the Corn. Yeah, corn syrup.” – Saudi Prince
“This looks like an episode of Catfish. I’m just not entirely sure which one got catfished.” – Pat Barker
“Jay light versus jay heavy. They’re in completely different weight classes.”- Tony Hinchcliffe.
Frank gives it to Jay, Jeff gives it to Paige, while Pat and Tony vote to hear one more joke to make their decision.
“It seems we have a tie here,” Moses says. This prompts the audience, who is dying to hear another joke, to start chanting for another. “One more joke” is heard echoing around the Belly Room. Jeff agrees to go for another one, so Jay begins his sudden death joke.
“Paige, I hate your voice. I wish you’d kept the one you stole from the Little Mermaid.”
“Jay has been on TV. You might recognize from riding a pig in an insurance commercial, or losing to one in Roast Battle Season Two.”
Jay’s joke kills, but the audience isn’t exactly sure of the very inside reference Paige is making. Even if they are fans of the show, someone may not remember who battled who, or why who he battled is a pig. Luckily, Frank Castillo is one of our judges tonight, so he tries to help.
“Am I the pig? I would have accepted gerbil, squirrel, muskrat… anything mammal is what I would have accepted.”
Paige retorts back with, “Pigs are mammals, dipshit.” It was a risky overtime joke for Paige, so Jay sweeps the judges’ favor across the board. There you have it. Jay Light earns another win in an impressive battle, and reminds anyone who might have forgotten why he’s one of the kings.
See you next time, dorks!