The crowd was on fire and the VIP section was STACKED with killers. We had Season 1 Champ Mike Lawrence, Jenna Friedman (The Daily Show, The Late Show), Doug Benson (Getting Doug with High and literally a million other things), Tony Hinchcliffe (Kill Tony, Netflix) and the Roastmaster Jeff Ross.
First up is Isabella Charlton taking on Anthony Davis. It’s the battle of the accents – English versus Southern – and the Brit wants it first.
“Lindsey Lohan has a message for your face, she wants her vagina back. Fire crotch face.”
“I don’t know what to say to that, that was just… Thank you Down Syndrome Abbey. You gotta brush your teeth more, goddamn. Isabella does a lot of Chinese films, which is cool, but the only thing she gets to say on film is ‘don’t cum on my face’.”
“Your wife has lift up your chin to see your dick.”
“You’re not wrong about that one.”
“Anthony isn’t as stupid as he looks, that would be impossible.”
“Thank you Bangers and Mashed-Face Barbie. Isabella looks like a teacher that tries to fuck her students but they say they can do better.”
“You look like the farmer who ate Zach Galifianakis. Anthony lost his virginity at 24 to a dead rat he found in his basement. Then he ate it, because he’s fat.”
“Isabella’s father divorced her mother while she was still pregnant. Her dad knew already that she’d be a disappointment, before he met her.”
A pretty solid first battle. Isabella’s first joke had a slight audience reaction, but she lost it when she clumsily added “fire crotch face” at the end, which wasn’t necessary and felt forced. Isabella’s best joke was the “isn’t as stupid as he looks”, but it didn’t garner the reaction it deserved because she’d already lost so much momentum with the first two bumpy jokes. Anthony immediately won the crowd over with his self-awareness and likable dumb redneck vibe. He played off Isabella’s jokes which took the power of them away. His best joke was the teacher joke, and that combined with his likability and off-the-cuff remarks won him the battle. Despite completely flubbing his last joke, the audience and judges definitively choose Anthony.
Next up we have Robert Omoto vs. Josh Means. A little pre-battle banter takes place. Josh says he battled Robert because, “he’s Japanese, my favorite state is Hawaii and I hold grudges.” Robert responded with “I think it’s great he’s taking time away from churning butter to be here”, the audience went insane at that and Josh volunteers to go first.
“Give it up for Randall sleeps in a park. Robert’s so boring, he looks like he was assembled in the factory his kids will work in.”
“Josh looks like if the robber in Home Alone only wanted to fuck the kid.”
“Thank you Aziz Ansari, if every date was the worst night of her life. Your haircut is whiter than the rice you fuel your car with.”
“Good one, Crack Miller. Josh looks like the guy you used to send to another village to read shit off scrolls. The only thing that would come back is his head on a stick.”
“That joke bombed so bad your family can still feel the radiation. Robert looks like someone drained all the black out of Tiger Woods.”
“Yeah they did bomb my country. They flew over Hiroshima and dropped his stand-up clip. Josh’s brother and stepson both have autism. Everything be touch turns autistic. The first time he finger banged his girlfriend she started reading the phone book.”
A great battle by both these men, they both came with solid jokes and had a great back-and-forth, both gaining and keeping momentum throughout the battle. Josh had the only slight flub with the rice fuel joke, and you could hear the laughter die in the room as the audience realized how shitty the joke was, but it’s a testament to how good this battle was and how much fun the audience was having that they laughed anyway. The judges unanimously vote for Josh and the audience agrees.
Next up we have Deirdre Devlin taking on Drew Fox. Moses asks Deirdre if she’d let the wave smash and she responds with “only Jamar”, prompting Drew to say, “To keep it fair, for the record, I too would also smash Jamar.” Deirdre wants to go first.
“Drew, you don’t even have a bed but I can tell you have bed bugs.”
“Deirdre, you got yourself an Emmy Award. Congratulations. Just a heads up – Oscar voters will also expect you to swallow.”
“Actually, my Emmy was for sucking dick, so thank you. Drew, it looks like you have a tattoo sleeve because you can’t afford a long sleeve shirt.”
“Deirdre I have to hand it to you. You’ve had more talent in her vagina than Mike Lawrence has in his entire body.”
“Thanks Rick More-anus. Drew, you junkie Jew, you look like you suck dick for matzo ball soup.”
“Deirdre, you’ve got a fucking banging body. It’s a shame they don’t have a beauty pageant called Miss America from The Neck Down.”
“Thank you deflated Harvey Weinstein.”
It was a decent battle, coming off the fire of the last battle the audience was hot for this one. Drew’s first joke had a mild pop, his second joke fell flat and after the first two sexist jokes, the third one felt too aggressive and didn’t get a hit. With a different strategy he may have been able to take it, but it felt too one-note and angry. Deirdre’s first joke hit hard, but she forgot her second joke and lost some momentum before remembering it. Deirdre’s third joke hit really hard and won her the battle.
It’s time for the main event with Zach Stein taking on undefeated Brett Erickson. Zach comes to the stage with his signature unlikable likability, and volunteers to go first.
“Brett looks young, while also looking terrible. It’s weird, he’s 51 and looks like he won’t make it to 40.”
“Thank you resting snitch face. Zach you make fun of the way I look, you look like the kid Tito Jackson would have fucked.”
“You’re wrong, I wrote him letters but…Brett is from the same small town as Richard Pryor and Sam Kinison. They say good things come in threes, that’s pretty cool, like you probably know that guy.”
“Zach is a weird mix ethnically; his mom is Lebanese and his dad is the Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.”
“Brett is an ovo-pescatarian, meaning that he can still eat anywhere, and didn’t need to tell you.”
“A lot of people call Zach a babyface, not because he can’t grow a beard, because he always looks like he just shit his pants.”
“Brett loves soccer. He hosted a podcast about soccer, he’s coached and refereed youth soccer. His favorite sport is soccer! Which makes sense because a handful of people think he’s great, and the rest of America will never give a fuck.”
At this point, Brett pulls out a red card from his wallet, pulling a perfect judo flip of Zach’s joke.
After this expert move, Brett continues.
“During the day, Zach manages a hair salon, so he has a lot of gay men under him, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just ironic, for a bottom.”
“Everyone switches now. Brett’s an atheist comic and his wife left him when she found Christianity. That’s got to suck. You can be on stage, making great, well-thought out points about God not being real, and all God’s gotta do is go ‘ha! real enough to steal your bitch!’”
“He did take her, he’s correct about that. Zach is in a relationship with Nicole Becannon, but he’s so controlling he won’t even let her have the tits.”
A phenomenal battle by both, they came with killer jokes and delivered them with the ease and confidence of the professionals they are. The judges are split and want the fun to continue with one more joke. We head into overtime.
“Zach you look like you masturbate into your pillow, while also looking like that pillow.”
“Brett’s a pescatarian, dates a younger woman, introduced his son to acid and is outspoken politically. You’ve lived here five years, how are you all the worst people in LA?”
Zach’s jokes are innovative and unique, while Brett came with a sniper-like precision. Brett takes it by a hair in OT.
Last up to finish this night of fire is the semi-finals in the Texas tournament with Keith Carey taking on Dan Nolan. Dan wants it first.
“Keith is bi. The two sexes he likes are forced and butt.”
“Wait a minute, Dan if you’re here, who’s cruising for pussy at the battered women’s shelter?”
“It’s still open after the show. Keith put out a comedy album last year, but he’s still best known for his first record: most hotdogs in one sitting.”
“It’s true, Dan’s in better shape than me, the only time he eats fast food is when he has to swallow his heroin before the cops show up.”
“One time my car broke down and me and Keith got stuck in the desert together for three days. It was a big challenge for Keith who usually just gets stuck in bathtubs.”
“Dan used to be a location scout for Law and Order SVU, because the most realistic place to film a rape is wherever Dan is standing.”
“Keith’s mom was a drug addicted prostitute. Doctors were amazed that she could carry a child, who was that heavy.”
“Dan used to work at a factory that made Rolex’s until he got fired for sexual harassment. He’s such a creep it took a whole building full of clocks to tell him #times up.”
“If Keith had a nickel for every time his mom blew a guy for crack, she would steal those nickels and buy more crack.”
“We mentioned Nicole Becannon earlier, Nicole actually dumped Dan and became way more successful, leave it to a junkie to get dumped by his little spoon.”
An absolute blowout by these two legends. They both came with expertly written jokes and a willingness to have fun. Dan’s signature style shown through each of his jokes tonight, especially with the “nickels” joke, which I think will earn a “joke of the year” nom. The judges are pretty split, Doug goes for Keith, Mike gives it to Dan, Jenna gives it to Keith and Jeff seals it with a vote for Keith. Keith is heading to the south!
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