After a stream of consciousness by Boon Shaka Laka, the judges have taken their seats in the VIP section. We have Joe Dosch, Omid Singh, Mike Young, Pat Barker and Doug Fager. A panel of roast battle all-stars is set to ignite this night.
First up to be sacrificed is the virgin suicide featuring Ian Michael vs Austin Nasso. Austin is brought to the stage first, he tells the audience that Austin is the funniest person he knows and they are in a sketch group together. Oh boy. Ian joins the stage with similar lackluster energy and starts the night out.
“Austin has a lovely girlfriend, Marlina. She’s got a degree in psychology. Her clothing says “chic.” Her face says “cute,’ Her eyes say “help.”
“Ian you commercial actor for goodwill. Ian used to lie to girls that he had a tattoo on his penis, so they’d ask him to see it, they’d be disappointed twice.”
“Austin’s got an incredibly hairy chest. His chest is so fuckin hairy, even Robin Williams said “I give up.” Then Robin Williams watched one of Austin’s stand up videos and hung himself. All joking aside, Austin, Robin Williams was a legend, you should be a-fucking-shamed of yourself.”
“Ian you man who looks like he’d play a paleontologist in a porno. You confessed that you got a handjob from one of your friend’s ex-girlfriends, this was the last job he had and just like the previous he never came and caused a female to resign.”
“This one is less of a joke and more just something that I feel like the world needs to see and hear. This is a voice memo that Robin Williams recorded right before he died: [plays phone recording of himself doing a pretty decent Robin Williams] “I’ve actually been feeling a bit better lately. I went on line, watched some stand up from… Austin Nasso… ho… He literally said ‘What’s the deal with new yorkers? They’re always saying fuck you, fuck you” — ho..that was the entire bit… even Jerry Seinfeld’s going “no thank you”… I just.. ho .. I just don’t know if I can do it anymore… Austin, it is your fault.”
“Ian you younger Jeff Goldblum. You used to be an aid for children with autism, but now you look like you give aids to children with autism.”
For first-time battlers, this was a pretty good battle. You could tell they knew each other really well, and had a lot of fun writing jokes about each other, which always makes for a better battle. Aside from both of them reading off notebooks, (DON’T FUCKING DO THIS! If you can’t memorize three jokes, don’t do roast battle) it was a good give-and-take battle. Ian’s fake Robin Williams recording was a bold move, not really seen in the roast battle ring, but it wasn’t terrible, and I commend his boldness. Despite the risk-taking, Austin had better jokes, and some killer “look likes,” and wins the match.
Next up is Jorrel Benasfre vs. Ernesto Ledezma. Jorrel takes the stage first and informs us that he’s only battling Ernesto because some other guy “bitched out.” The Wave joins the side stage and the crowd goes mild, Moses demands more and the room explodes. We haven’t had the wave in a while and there isn’t a dry seat in the house after their signature “WOAH.” Jorrel is chosen to go first.
“Ernesto asked for Philipino stereotypes on facebook, at least I know if I lose this roast battle, I lost to his two fucking friends ‘copy and paste.’”
“Despite Jorrel’s black name he’s Asian. Now, I don’t know what kind of Asian, but he’s brown so I’m guessing it’s not one of the good ones.”
“Ernesto your style of comedy is pretty interesting, how is that you sound like both Cheech and Chong.”
“Alright, calm down Tranny Pacquio. You know most people don’t know that Jorrel is both a comedian and a professional yo-yo-er. Pretty sure we’re all thinking the same thing like, ‘Why don’t you go walk dog into traffic, you fucking nerd.’”
“Ernesto is like the Mexican Clark Kent, except I’m pretty sure his alter ego is ‘El Superrrrrrrrrrr Manager’s Assistant.’”
“Good one Pinoicchio. Jorrel talks about walking in on his parents having sex, he also talks about having a small dick, which he only found out about after he saw his mom’s huge clit.”
It was a fine battle. Except for Jorrel’s last joke, the rest were lacking any hard punches, and left the audience wanting more. Ernesto was a lot more consistent, escpeically with the fun word-play insults, but his last joke fell flat and made the audience audibly go “huh?” After the judges weight in in favor of Ernesto, the audience votes and Ernesto is the winner.
Moses calls on the audience’s white guilt to make more noise for our last battle, the main event featuring Armando Torres vs. Tony Bartolone. Armando takes the stage first, and says he’s battling Tony because “He was the first comedian I ever saw perform at an open mic, 6 years later and he’s still doing open mics.” Tony comes to the stage with a confidence we don’t always see in him. He plays right into Armando’s joke and then hits back saying, “When I first met this dude, he was a fat, homeless comedian and I was like, ‘that’s fucking my thing!’ but now he lives with his blonde girlfriend so like double fuck you.” The back-and-forth continues, and the crowd eats it up. Doug says it’s the first time he’s ever seen a battle between two guys wearing size 38-38 pants, which prompts a genuine thank you from Tony saying that he hasn’t been a size 38 since third grade, this gets the crowd going and Moses leads them in a “Fuck Fager” chant. Tony is on another level tonight, and the judges have Armando go first.
“Tony looks like what happens when Mario fucks a Goomba.”
“You look like a fuckin cabbage patch doll planted in Chernobyl.”
“They say the camera adds ten pounds, just ask Tony, he’s eaten several cameras.”
“Sometimes the dumpsters are empty. As a Mexican child, or a nino grande, Armando was kept in a cage. It wasn’t because of immigration, it was because he kept eating his neighbor’s pets.”
This prompts a “Nino grande” chant from the audience.
“Tony’s Italian mother makes him the same dinner whenever he visits: Spaghett-a-fucking-job-already. And meatballs.”
“My mother’s Irish, but lets not split hairs here. The name Armando Torres is actually Spanish for living in a Ford Taurus.“
“It was a Honda Civic. A lot of people shit on Tony for being homeless, but he’s more than that. He’s useless and talentless, too.”
“Yeah, I live in a tiny house, but I think Armando is just mad because he can’t fit in it. Armando is an amazing person, he survived throat cancer and still stayed super fuckin’ fat the whole time.”
“When my dad got arrested I was heartbroken, but after Tony’s dad died of cardiac arrest, broken hearts run in your family.”
“I knew you had throat cancer, I didn’t know it was still making you choke.”
Now that’s a battle! Punch for punch almost every joke hit from both battlers. Armando’s only miss was the broken heart joke, it was too sad without a hard enough of a punch. Tony’s relaxed confidence and off-the-cuff remarks made him pull ahead and the judges vote for Tony.
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