Roast Battle is back! After a weird week where rap battlers were dominated by Roast Battlers, we return to normalcy with straight-up shit-talking.
Our judges this week include Nicole Becannon, Kim Congdon, and Jeff Ross. It should be noted that while this is Nicole’s first time judging, there are very few people that know Roast Battle quite like the ballbusting Miss Becannon. From skyrocketing to the top of the rankings as a battler to battling on the latest season of Jeff Ross Presents Roast Battle, I predict this gorgeous gargoyle will provide an unbiased, insightful, and hilarious voice to the panel of judges. Another Roast Battle favorite, Kim Congdon, will be gracing us with her presence. It’s always inspiring to see an undeniably funny and verbally vicious woman openly expressing herself while judging others. Last but certainly not least, the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross, will be zesting up the evening with his hilarity! Let’s roast!
First up, it’s Albert Escobedo vs. Victor Martinez Jr. While these two are both experienced battlers, Albert looks like ET got a job at Home Depot where he refuses to give a family discount to his rotund lesbian sister, Victor. While the words “work” and “cut” are rarely used in the same sentence as Victor, Victor may have his work cut out for him. Albert holds the record for the longest win streak to start a career with 8-0 until he moved back to Indiana. I’m just going to ask what everyone is thinking: “What’s in Indiana?”. The answer is nothing. Nothing is in Indiana. That is, unless nothing horns you up more than FarmersOnly.com. Since he fell out of the rankings due to inactivity, he has come back to battle a couple times only to maim his perfect record with losses. Needless to say, one could assume he is thirsty for a triumphant return. And by looking at him, one could also assume he’s just thirsty. While neither of these two lowlifes look like they have ever twinkled a woman’s tortilla, they do seem like a promising battle.
Our next battle pits Andrew Ryan Fox against Daniel Vargas. Andrew, this tatted-up teddy bear, has had some rocky battles, but his persistence is what makes roast battle fans truly respect him. Coincidentally, “Rocky Battles” sounds like the name of his first Weezer cover band. To my knowledge, Daniel Vargas has never battled before, but has a sharp wit with a cool and calm demeanor. He also looks like he got a job as a janitor just so he could put up an “out of order” sign in a stall that he hides in to watch women tinkle. It’s anybody’s fight!
This battle between Kal Hamilton and Ken Marshall looks like a turf war over who gets to sell their mixtape on Hollywood Boulevard. Seems like experienced battler Kal Hamilton has convinced Roast Battle virgin Ken Marshall to let him play just the tip. It’s never just the tip, Ken. I have a feeling by the end of their battle, Ken’s hymen will be as tarnished as his memories of what life was like before roast battle. Kal Hamilton looks like Charles Barkley if he worked at a Waffle House. Ken looks like one his customers that just complained his way into a free meal. The crowd’s love could go either way!
Our main event for the evening is between Ashley Johnson and Billy Anderson, two dudes that look like they poop at the bar. It’s Joe Rogaine versus Andrew Santi-No Means No Unless Her Eyes Are Whispering “Yes”. Ashley Johnson is still hard from his last battle, where he won in overtime against noneother than Kelsey Lane, the cutest boy in comedy. She’s just like that Peaches’ song because the boys want to be her AND the girls want to be her. Tee Hee. Billy looks like the only leprechaun that doesn’t want the pot of gold because he is too homophobic to get that close to a rainbow. The undefeated Billy is also cumming off a win against Armando Torres, the only person that has ever defeated Ashley in this competition. Both battlers are very good at what they do so it is sure to be an entertaining battle. Who wins? The Hipster or the Hobo?