by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

“Good things come to those who wait.” – Earl Skakel

Earl kicks off the Periscope by talking trash to pretty much everybody except Sarah Tiana. Earl cutting promos at the top of the broadcast is becoming somewhat of a pre-battle tradition. He is building up to his upcoming championship bout with the East Coast’s Eli Sairs on May 23rd. He walks into the Belly Room, and the battle chants begin. The Roastmaster General Jeff Ross, The Champ Frank Castillo, and The Golden Pony Tony Hinchcliffe are present and anticipating some fierce competition.

Our first bout sees Ricky Macias facing off against Frank Estrada. Ricky Macias takes the stage first, looking exactly like the pita bread character from Sausage Party. Jeff Ross comments on his looks and he fires right back with an underappreciated reference.

“I feel like I’m looking at a John Turturro character.” – Jeff Ross

“I feel like I’m looking at Powder 2: Powdered Sugar.” – Ricky Macias

Frank Estrada joins him onstage and Ricky starts us off:

“Frank likes to believe he had threesomes with his ex-wife, but really he just watched his wife cheat on him with other women.”

“Ricky looks like his favorite music genre and sex move are both soft rock.”

“Frank’s ex-wife turned out to be a lesbian. She spent her whole marriage chewing out a pussy that she acquired a taste for it.”

“Guys, Ricky is what will happen if Obamacare is repealed halfway through a sex change operation.”

“Frank’s proud to be in his daughter’s life, but she has one condition. That she gets to see other dads.”

“The only thing lower than Ricky’s self-esteem are his testosterone levels.”

The crowd is appreciative of this tight, hard-fought battle. These two Mexican dorks opened the show with a fantastic battle.

“Jerron said [Ricky looks] like a magic carpet repair man.” – Jeff Ross/Jerron Horton

“Hey Moses, somebody say he the only vampire with a website.” – Jamar Neighbors/anonymous

“I liked Zorro without the costume.” – Frank Castillo

“That’s Zorro’s cousin, Zero.” – Jeff Ross

“I thought that was Antonio Bland-eras.” – Frank Castillo

The battlers are ready and ripping into each other, the judges are taking shots and it looks to be another hot night in the Belly Room. After an extremely close audience vote, Ricky Macias takes the match. The judges are joined by Mo Amer and we’re on to another battle.

The second undercard pits Sean Green against Rob O’Reilly. This battle gets weird. Sean Green throws some aggression into it, which seems misplaced, and it confuses the crowd. As we saw last week, battlers shouldn’t seem like there’s actual anger and animosity because it makes people uneasy. The audience doesn’t know quite how to react to Sean Green yelling a comeback at Rob O’Reilly. To his credit, Rob tries to keep it light and does a decent job defusing the situation. Then he makes a cancer joke implying that Quincy Jones was faking. Quincy, who performed on the stand up portion of the show earlier, has been fighting cancer recently and recorded an HBO special last year as a result of a Kickstarter campaign his friends had set up to fund the production of his first special. Fueled by jealousy at his success, several comedians claimed that he was exaggerating the cancer diagnosis for financial gain. Many comics visited Quincy in the hospital and some even spoke to his doctors. He was diagnosed as having fatal mesothelioma, to set the record straight. The awkwardness continues as Sean Green repeats Rob’s name over and over in multiple false starts, and finally closes with a time traveling AIDS joke that falls flat. Rob O’Reilly gets the victory, and we’re moving on from what was a strange ending to a strange battle.

In the third undercard of the night, Terrence Newman attempts to take down the powerhouse on fire that is David Lucas. Last time we saw David he was destroying Charlie Sheen wannabe Corey Feldman. David Lucas is brought up to everybody singing along to Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend”. Everybody in the know is waiting for Lucas to land a big punch on one of the judges. Earl takes a couple shots.

“Shut your big head ass up.” – David Lucas

“You’re big everywhere. You look like the last surviving fatboy.” – Earl Skakel

“And you look like Jimmy Neutron.” – David Lucas

The room explodes into frenzy. But David isn’t done with Earl.

“You over there sittin’ lookin’ like you in a wheel chair.” – David Lucas

“Dude, you’re gonna be in one when the diabetes kicks in.” – Earl Skakel

And the room bursts into pandemonium once again. The night is back on track and Terrence Newman comes to the stage to start things off.

“Hey yo 90’s kids, you wanna feel old? It’s Thud Butt, that fat little black kid from Hook all grown up.”

“This motherfucker look like he sleep in a garage. Last night he ate dinner on a spare tire.”

(pointing to himself then David) “Kinda looks like Peele from Key and Peele. Kinda looks like he ate Peele.”

“This motherfucker is so lame and whitewashed, his nickname in the hood is Quinoa.”

“I’m whitewashed? David refers to himself as a liberal black republican. Bitch, you can’t just proclaim yourself a house nigga. You gotta be pretty like me.”

Terrence tries to save the joke by tagging it, but the crowd does not appreciate it.

“Pretty? I don’t know if I’m about to battle you or bitch, you about to wash my car. This nigga look like the drunk uncle that touch on kids at the family BBQ.”

“David’s what would’ve happened if the white lady from the Blindside drove past the kid in the rain and just kept driving.”

Terrence redeems himself with this extra joke, but it’s pretty clear that David owns the room.

“This nigga do look like Jordan Peele’s down syndrome brother. They call that nigga Orange Peele.”

David’s got the crowd eating out of his hand, assuming he’d ever share food. Brian Moses comes out to break things up, but they just keep going.

“Honestly, from the size of you, David, I’m shocked you knew what quinoa was.”

“This motherfucker dress like he hunt zombies.”

“David thinks because he puts jelly on it, a biscuit’s a fruit.”

“This nigga is the first nigga that cracked. You know how they say black don’t crack?”

They both should’ve stopped while they were ahead, as nothing in this unsanctioned overtime really hits.

“Honestly, when you said he slept in a garage last night, you made a facial expression like, ‘How did this motherfucker know I slept in a garage?’ I was like oh shit!” – Mo Amer

“I think what we’re saying bunk-ass Jordan Peele is you can Get Out.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Terrence, you had fun though, right? You had fun?” – Jeff Ross

“More fun than when I watched Tony’s special.” – Terrence Newman

Terrence gets one shot in on Hinchcliffe right before he is declared loser. David Lucas gets his hand raised, they hug, and we’re on to the fourth fight.

Moses brings up Anne Flagg who is dressed as somebody, but the crowd has no idea who. She brushes her hair out of the way and reads her nametag: “ChAnnelle.” Moses asks “ChAnelle” if she’d let the Wave smash, and Earl answers:

“Is a pig’s dick pork?” – Earl Skakel

Caesar proceeds to start the battle with Anne’s character still unexplained.

“Anne only dates married men, that’s why she has resting side bitch face.”

“Baby… I was afraid that our relationship was gonna end up like OJ and Nicole until I realized you can never kill… onstage hard enough to be famous.”

“Anne is polyamorous, she went to Poly High School, and she poly never gonna make it in Hollywood.”

“Caesar baby, I really wanted to roast you because of all those times you had me driving to your mics to get stage time. I had to wait all night for those three lousy minutes on top of me.”

“Anne has a step daddy, a biological daddy, and two sugar daddies. The only kind of daddy she doesn’t have is one that loves her.”

“Caesar Coño Lizardo, you inserted the word a Spaniard would use for a pussy into your name on Facebook. But you insert a word no one would use into my pussy in real life.” (wiggling her pinky finger)

Caesar absolutely dominates.

“Just to make things interesting, I’m gonna give this one to Ivanka Tramp over here.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Apparently, Anne was impersonating Caesar’s girlfriend. The problem is, nobody knows Caesar’s girlfriend. Beyond that, she never really explained what she was doing. As Anne tries to explain that she was taking a risk, the real Chanelle yells out from the audience:

“She should roast the one onstage.” – Chanelle

“Damn, my girlfriend just got a bigger laugh from the crowd than you did this whole set.” – Caesar Lizardo

Anne doesn’t get much love from the crowd. There’s even a few audible boo’s. Caesar easily takes the match with three solid jokes and an overall solid performance.

In the final undercard of the night, Danielle Perez rolls up on Hana Michels. After both women are onstage, Danielle volunteers to go first.

“Hana’s entire family survived extinction and extermination from a Nazi prison camp only for Hana to look like she didn’t.”

“Danielle won a treadmill on the Price is Right. The audience was like, ‘Oh my god, she can’t use that.’ And they saw she was in a chair.”

“Yeah, even the exercise equipment I don’t use has more credits that you, Hana.”

Haiti comes out and sets up a football for Danielle to kick, but instead she continues to get in another punch.

“Hana’s father is a therapist, which was really hard for her growing up. Because she’d have to schedule appointments with him to be molested.”

“Does two work for you?” – Jeremiah Watkins

“I was raped, but at least I got back on my feet.”

This tight retort gets a thunderous reply from the bloodthirsty battle fans. And Hana continues:

“Danielle did a photo shoot by a pool. She wanted to do it by the ocean, but Green Peace kept trying to push her back in.”

“Good one, Macaulay Sulkin’. Hana is a feminist blogger. You might know her from such pieces as, Women Are Funny (I’m Just Not One of Them) and I Was Raped by an Improviser.”

“Danielle is the only girl to lose her virgi- fuck. Danielle’s the only girl to lose both her feet and her virginity to a train.”

Hana flubs her last joke, but recovers and gets a good laugh in spite of her mistake. The audience gives love to both battlers, before bursting into chants of “One more joke! One more joke! One more joke!” So we go into sudden death overtime with Hana kicking it off:

“Danielle’s Dominican, not black. But she’s still three-fifths of a person.”

“Hana’s never had sex with a black guy, which is weird considering how many times she’s been raped.”

“Danielle, that joke didn’t have any legs either.” – Jeff Ross

This is one of the best battles of the night. It definitely is the most evenly matched undercard, with both women giving standout performances. Hana wins in overtime, and we move onto our main events.

Guam Felix comes to the stage proclaiming in Vegas party fashion:

“It’s my motherfuckin’ birthday today!”

Moses confirms that this is true. Then it’s revealed that Albert is leaving town after this battle. He is an impressive 7-0 when the battle begins. Albert takes first joke:

“Guam got an underage girl pregnant when he was thirty, so when he stopped paying child support it wasn’t the first time he fucked a kid.”

“Albert’s in a long distance relationship with a girl in Indiana, and he lives in a drug tunnel.”

“Thank you, Snackie Chan. Guam’s been doing comedy for twenty years and he doesn’t have an album, but he did try to kill his ex-wife, so at least he has a record.”

“Albert went all the way to Thailand to have sex with a tranny because he couldn’t find parking at Target.”

“I’m surprised that Guam’s a door guy because in prison, everyone got in the back door.”

“Albert’s fiancé left him for a black guy, and like they say, once you go black you stop fucking Albert.”

“Guam’s a door guy, but his tits are bouncers.”

“Albert looks like a motivational speaker at a child molester conference.”

“Guam’s kidneys are so shitty it’s like they were made in Guam. He suffers from kidney failure and regular failure.”

“That was so fucking good.”

“Let’s go, Great Walrus of China.”

“Albert almost got arrested. He was selling Farmer’s insurance to the Mexicans out of Home Depot.”

Guam fumbles his last joke, but I’m not sure it would’ve made much of a difference. Albert beats the shit out of Guam, with little reprieve. He manages to land a couple punches but Albert knocks him out. Which means Albert leaves town with an unprecedented 8-0 record. Albert will be missed, and we wish him the best.

On to our main main event. This is a three round fight between two of the best battlers in the game. Dan Nolan and Doug Fager take the stage, Doug claims first joke and the battle is underway.

“For Dan, getting women is a numbers game. The number is two to three roofies, depending on size.”

“Hollywood’s been going really great for Doug, he just got a new manager… at the fuckin’ seafood restaurant he works at.”

“Dan is what Kurt Cobain would’ve looked like in 2004.”

“Doug’s a failed sketch writer who works at an oyster bar, between the shellfish and your shitty scripts, that’s two things Hollywood Jews won’t touch.”

“Dan has been to prison. Dan has had so many gangsters buried in his ass that his brown eye has a tear drop tattoo.”

“Doug’s last girlfriend dumped him after she found out he had a ring. Because it was a child prostitution ring.”

Dan wins the first round, and in a ballsy signature Fager move, Doug elects to start round two:

“Dan is so fat he doesn’t couch surf, he couch boogie boards.”

“Jesus Dan, you got fat. Did you go to AA or A & W?”

“Dan, you look like your AA sponsor is Little Debbie.”

“Doug’s dad use to work at the Post Office, I’m guessing that’s where Doug inherited his first class male pattern baldness.”

“Coincidentally, the Post Office is the only place you’ll see a sketch featuring Doug Fager.”

“Doug’s dad worked at the Post Office, but the only letters he ever addressed to his son where F-A-G-G-O-T.”

It’s a pretty even round. Doug’s boogie board joke might have been the purist laugh of the night. The entire battle so far has been a dead heat. It could go either way.

“It was neck and neck, and that was just Dan’s fat neck.” – Frank Castillo

Doug is awarded the second round, and we move onto the final round with Dan starting off:

“Doug’s had so many foreign objects shoved inside of him, he shits subtitles.”

“At least your jokes can put the smackdown. Dan looks like he deals with his pain by cutting… his own hair.”

“I’m not saying that Doug Fager is a child molester, he’s very clearly a fully grown adult molester.”

“Dan was a radio DJ while he was on heroin, because when Dan drops the needle the hits keep on comin’.”

“Doug’s dad was also an amateur boxer. His signature combo was left-right, left-left-right, left-left my wife and four year old son to go open up a sports bar in Milwaukee.”

“Dan, you look like you have one ice cream truck for business and one for pleasure.”

Round three is a great round and there’s great overall performance from both these losers. They really are well matched and consistently hitting. Dan’s last joke hits really big, and Doug’s second-to-last joke get a huge pop as well. The judges ask for one more joke, and Doug takes us into sudden death.

“Dan used to move weight in balloons, but now he can’t move because of how his weight has ballooned.”

“Doug was a theater major in community college. He starred in Rent as the reason everyone got AIDS.”

Doug’s sudden death joke hits bigger, and he takes the battle. Doug is obviously a heavy hitter on this show, and Dan is a heavy hitter in the gutter. The cool thing about Dan is that he basically started doing comedy at the same time as he started doing this show. He got clean around the same time, and has improved both his comedy and life exponentially. One of the best things about doing comedy is seeing other people grow. A criticism he once had was that his delivery wasn’t as strong as his writing. However, that is no longer true. He proved tonight, that not only is he a tremendous writer, but also an exceptional performer. Doug got the win in the end, and he earned it, but there’s really no loser tonight. We look forward to seeing both these guys go on to even greater heights.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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