And we’re back? Right away too. I went through a whole thing in yesterday’s post about how I want the show to be the best. Still true! Also, it’s come to my attention that I may make an error or two in the posts. I need help there too and am not afraid to admit it. If you catch an error in spelling, grammar or how a certain part of the battle went, let us know! Send all corrections to Jay Light. That’s his Twitter and here’s his Facebook. It’s much less rude for me to ignore him than all of you. As always, check out the first sponsor that believed in us, LA Speedweed. Their pre-rolls and edibles are the best in the game right now. And listen to that gd podcast. It’s a wonderful audio version of the Roast Report and has some dope interviews with some of the best battlers, judges and other contributors to the show.
Real quick! Ya boy (me) does a little comedy on the side when he’s not reporting roast. I’m hosting the three year anniversary of one of my favorite shows in Los Angeles, the Super Secret Comedy Show!
I’ll be kicking it off! Also on the bill is my best mate Hunter Hill and some up and comers named Jeselnik, Scovel and Glass. Todd Glass that is. Love seeing young comics get a chance in this city. Here’s a ticket link or if you hit me up in time, you can get on ya boy’s (still me) guest list.
Alright. Let’s peace out of Plug City and pop on over to Preview Town! #alliteration
We’ve got some newbies and some proven vets for this week’s judges table! Paula Bel has been in the game a long time and been on all the the things you want to be on as a comedian including The Tonight Show, Ellen and numerous USO tours. Her web site could use some updating because it states you can see her on “Dirty, Sexy, Funny” which hasn’t been on the air in five years. I look forward to Moses mistaking her for Jessimae Peluso all night long. Murray Valeriano looks a Murray. Murray, Hal and Gary are the only names he could ever be. You know he’s from a different generation of comedy because his web site offers his CD and not an iTunes link. Way to stay with the times bud! He’s funny enough to get a channel on the All Things Comedy so he should be a fine judge. Jessimae Peluso is back! She was stellar in her first turn as judge and now that she has the reps, I expect her to rip it up with her analysis. Maybe this time don’t groan if she makes a sweet joke? #feminism. Some judges are meh, some judges are fine once and some judges make the whole show better. Mike Lawrence is the third type and we’re happy to have him back from New York for a week or two. Expect him to roast everyone in the room and, if we’re lucky, a diatribe on how Zack Snyder is the real enemy we should be fighting.
In the first undercard on this glorious Tuesday night, Darran Davis (0-1) will take on Richie Gaines (0-0)!
This should be a helluva start despite a combined 0-1 record between the two. Darran is a pleasant dude. He lost to Jesus Erra (1-0) in his debut but he showed promise. Richie Gaines is the all too common combo of unlikable on stage and bland off stage. His material in his regular comedy seems like it should be Roast Battle ready but inexperience doesn’t usually lead to success on this show. I’m gonna pick Darran but we could be looking at another “no one wins and the crowd loses” situation. We need a fancy name for these types of battles. The “Adi”?
Undercard numero dos pits Albert Escobedo (2-0) against Lou Vahram (1-1)!
This undercard starts a run of two in a row of battlers who look like they could be related. Albert has had the benefit of being a decent battler who went up against people that tanked their performances. Lou Vahram has done his best to try to lose whenever he’s battled and it only worked for him once. I haven’t really seen their standup but they seem to be nice, funny dudes in normal conversation. Lou is a sweetheart and has gotten better in both of his battles but I don’t see him winning this one. Albert has a lock on his stage presence and Lou stutters and sweats like someone who thinks this is the night his girlfriend is gonna cheat on him. Albert for the win. #thisisjustablog
In the third undercard, Wub Savell (2-1) returns to the ring to face Al Bahmani (2-2)!
If you like awkward, pale-skinned comedians who wear glasses, this is the battle for you. If you like people who wear clothes that are clearly too big for them, this is the battle for you. Wub absolutely demolished his first battle against Brandon Bricks (0-1). We all know that. Brandon hasn’t been back to the Comedy Store since but the quality of Wub’s performances nose dived in his next two. He’s a smart roast writer but as soon as a joke didn’t hit, he began to unravel. Al Bahmani has the undesirable distinction of being the only person to lose to Steven Alan Green (1-2, 1 NC). I think Al takes this and enters the three-win club. Al is here every week and has been able to soak up everything to do and not to do. Wub has more than likely hanging with his girlfriend and performing at the Comedy Union. Actually, that might help him out a lot too. Fuck. I still think Al takes it.
In the fourth undercard of the evening, Ashton Swinford (0-0) is set to make her debut against known woman-beater Mark Stevens (2-0, 38)!
What is Mark’s intention here? I don’t think anyone in the history of the show has beaten a girl in the battle and then boned her. Except Earl Skakel with Olivia Grace (4-2-1). #giggity. I guess everyone has their own ways to try get in them jeans. Ashton has been on TV’s “New Girl” so she’s clearly more talented than Mark. But she is a ginger and they tend to creep the crowd into giving the win to their opponent. I defended tf out of Mark’s position in the ranks and you know what happens every time I ardently defend someone; they emphatically lose. I don’t expect that to happen tonight. I’m taking Mark here and unlike all the women he’s been with, he won’t disappoint me.
In the Main Event, Guam Felix (5-0, 16) is set to take on Alex Duong (3-4, 34)!
We close out the night with the Battle of Asia! What’s that? Guam is in the Pacific Islands? Welp. I’m already sold on the moniker and most people in the room would think it was in Asia as well. Guam is a good buddy and the muscle that stands between you and the VIP section. He’s a long time comedy vet and we’re happy to have him on the team. He also manages to scare the shit out of me in random locations in Hollywood every six weeks. He’s got a lot to prove. His unblemished record looks nice on paper (a web page?) but he won his last battle by being comically bad. Let’s see if he can manage a quality win and become one of only three to reach six wins without a loss. Alex has proven himself to be a better overall battler than Guam but his low points bomb harder than the ones dropped on his forefathers. What’s that? Alex is Vietnamese/Chinese? Fuck! I’m sure they were bombed at some point so they joke can still work. I’m going with Guam and then I’m going to find a book (web page?) on history and geography.
I am 101-68 in picks. Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.
WRITTEN BY LEAD REPORTER, JOSH WALDRON