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Woo! I’m back! Another major shoutout to Patty “Cake” Barker for smashing last week’s coverage. It made me LOL plenty of times and reignited my passion for writing and making fun of you sons of bitches (and daughters)! If only he did the “keep reading” thing I do every week. We can’t all be perfect and Pat is the embodiment of non-perfection. He’s got a point too. People told me all the time (once) how much they enjoyed debating the ranks. It’s my promise that him and I will confer this week and get it done. If you have any ideas or opinions, as always, keep them to yourself. Check the pod. Check some pot. Now let’s m’fn preview!

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LOVE LOVE LOVE our judges panel this week. Why did I use such a blurry pic of our favorite judges, the Sklars? That’s because it’s the same one our friends at Verbal Violence used when they were the guest on the latest pod. I already linked it above. My one hope for tonight is that Moses keeps his streak of mixing up the Sklars intact. Let’s all welcome Jessimae Peluso! She’s funny af on Twitter and her pod “Sharp Tongue” is a must-listen! Here’s to hoping she doesn’t snag the same “deer in headlights” judging style that Grace Helbig nailed. Nick Youssef is a Comedy Store favorite and has been on this writer’s Hella Show and crushed it. He also won the internet the last time he was on @midnight and I would link to that but I can’t find it. They’re all expertly funny and are the perfect mix for tonight.

In the first undercard, we have Anish Shah taking on Harry Moroz!

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Well, well, well. Harry Moroz finally makes his return to the ring. Last time he was here, he lost a “Boring White Dude”-off to Toby Muresianu. I like Harry. Good friend. Good comic. He’s from Michigan so he’s not as advanced as the rest of us mentally, physically or emotionally. He produces internet videos called “Harry Bein’ Bad” where he breaks some rules and then puts on sunglasses. Ironically, “Harry Bein’ Bad” is the way one might describe the quality of his standup. Anish is a probably the best human we’ve had on Roast Battle. His Twitter bio is earnest af, he has a degree from Yale and does a lot of charity work. He’s also the only non-headliner to have a Wikipedia page.  If someone else has one, please do not tell me about it. “Anish Shah” translates from Hindi to English as “better than you”. If that’s not accurate, please do not tell me about it. Despite all of these things working in his favor, I do no expect Anish to compete in the slightest and Harry should lock in an easy victory.

In the second undercard, Sameer Suri and Nat Baimel will be making their debuts against each other!

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Ok, what’s happening? I know Moses likes to theme the bookings for this show but two straight battles of Indian dudes and generic honkeys is unprecedented. Ooh, my first use of “honkey”! I’m lazy and want to just copy and paste the last preview but I think Sameer is gay and Nat isn’t from a state that slowly poisons its residents.  They’re both political comedians so expect some sort of Trump or deportation reference. Let’s hit up a Tweet-Off! First, Sameer!

“Sometimes on my phone I go back and forth between Grindr and Al Jazeera, just so the NSA thinks, “Who the fuck is this person?” – 13 RTS, 94 favs. 1/22/16

Wow, not bad. And ok he is gay. I think. Nat, whatcha got?

“17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq.” – 4.6K RTS, 6.3k favs. 10/16/15

Holy shit. The pick is Nat.

We have a cat fight in the third battle with Madison Sinclair and Lindsey Jennings set to battle!

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I hope you’re ready to tuck up for this one fellas because this will be the hottest battle we’ve ever had. Seriously, expect the misogyny to be on full blast from the judges and the Haters. Now that the obvious is out of the way, let me be clear that these two are very funny people. Madison has better tweets than I could ever write and Lindsey would decimate me in a Roast Battle. Madison struggled in her debut battle but I expect her to take this one a little more seriously.  Plus, she has a boyfriend so you know the dudes in the crowd won’t just vote for her because they’re trying to bang.  What can I say about Lindsey that hasn’t already been said about anyone entering an intervention? She recently won a rap battle so I expect whoever wrote those raps for her to write her jokes for her tonight. Lindsey gets the win here.

In the final undercard, Sarah Keller is back to take on Jake Marin!

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This is a battle of two of the sweetest people in comedy. They look like they would be each other’s last resort. Like after Sarah is done getting ran through by every frat house in Texas, she’d take Jake from the “friend zone” that he got himself into by writing her terrible poetry. These two really might be the male and female version of each other which should set up for an entertaining battle. Jake is a seriously funny dude but Sarah was pretty good in her last battle even though she nearly lost. My heart wants Jake to win but my brain thinks Sarah takes it. This is due to the trend of women beating men in the battle despite them being the less-funny gender. #thisisjustablog #ijustlosttoagirl #bitter

And in the Main Event, Jay Light is set to clash with Keith Carey!

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These two are some of my favorite people in comedy. Jay’s photo is a Jay classic. He’s either working the door or bombing on a show that he or I produced. Keith’s picture is of his first and only film credit. He said Harrison Ford was lovely to work with. The battles within the battles are what you really want to watch here. Jay will have to fight to keep his lips from consuming the microphone and Keith will have to fight his shirt from ripping every time he breathes. Clothing manufacturers have yet to make a size shirt that would prevent Keith from looking like he just stole from the Wonka Factory. It’s a known fact that Jay and I are as thick as thieves but Keith is as thick as forty thieves. Jay, I love you buddy but you know what’s coming. The pick is Keith. He’s meaner and has far less to live for.

I am 98-64 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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