“Even when the battles are weird, they’re good.” – The Roastmaster
It’s been a while since this magical phrase was evoked but oh man did it apply on Tuesday night. We lost two fights from the card because of health issues. Guam Felix’s (5-0, 16) Main Event bout with Alex Duong (3-4, 34) had to be delayed due to kidney problems. Mark Stevens (2-0, 38) apparently tried to hire someone to take out Ashton Swinford for him and she’s still in the hospital. Those two medical mishaps are how the night started. Roasting aside, I think I speak for the community when I wish them as speedy a recovery as possible. And if their respective opponents don’t chamber some jokes about their respective conditions for when they’re ready to return, shame on them. But, out of darkness can come light. That light is Earl Skakel (4-1). We’ll get into details later but his missing presence was felt when it was announced he wasn’t at the Haters table. It was like the show had it’s “check engine” light on. Then he showed up and the vibe got hotter, the hate grew stronger and the Wave instantly felt wavier, as displayed in this picture. So thank you to Earl and every other cog in the machine that is Roast Battle. Now, check the pod and order some pot and dive into one of the weirder Tuesday’s in quite some time.
In the first battle, Richie Gaines (1-0) DEMOLISHED Darran Davis (0-2)!
“If Darran wins, does he get a new t-shirt? That’s a great 1993 costume. He looks like he’s mad the other four Power Rangers won’t talk to him.
I thought Richie’s comedic style would translate to Roast Battle and that’s the only thing I was right about when it came to this battle. Darran was better than he was in his first battle. His jokes were decent and the crowd was on board with him but Richie was too clever and too racist for Darran to stand a chance.
DARRAN ON RICHIE
“Guys in West Hollywood call Richie “Little Richard” because he acts like a faggot from the South.“
"I may look like a Somalian pirate but you look like every white guy in a cuckold video.”
“Richie likes to listen to Slipknot when he’s depressed; too bad the knot slipped when he tried to hang himself.”
RICHIE ON DARRAN
“Listen, I respect Darran, alright? To get up here, it takes a lot of guts. Or gizzards. Or chitlins or whatever weird shit you eat.”
"Darran actually has a large Asian following…him around most convienence stores.
"Darran doesn’t steal jokes. He pirates them off the coast of Somalia.”
The jokes I posted all hit but both of had their fourth one bomb. Richie’s bombed because it was too racist which is hard to do in this room. Darran’s fell flat because it was more of an angry last-ditch effort to communicate he that he did not like Richie. Overall, the battle wasn’t as bad as I thought.
In undercard number two, Albert Escobedo moved into the three-win club after making short work of “Sweet” Lou Vahram (1-2)!
“When did Caillou join the Latin Kings?” – Connor McSpadden
“You look like Thin Diesel.” – Mike Lawrence
I wonder if Lou was listening to this and thinking “omg these are way better than anything I have for Albert.” Lou looked like he was in pain for the entirety of this battle. One thing for sure about Lou is that we could hear his jokes. He was yelling as if his microphone was turned off. We heard them but we hardly laughed.
LOU ON ALBERT
“Albert is such a fruity faggot than when he was a baby, his Mexican parents tried to sell him off a cart on the sidewalk.”
“Albert’s spent a lot of time in South Korea but if you ask anyone who’s seen his dick, they’ll tell you he was born there.”
I hate to go all feminist here but only our lady battlers should call out dick size in a roast joke. If you do it as a dude, you’re suggesting you’ve seen it and that’s never going to work in your favor. Albert was good but he was the type of good that could’ve been beaten. His last joke bombed and he’s not exactly Captain Charisma up there.
ALBERT ON LOU
“Lou looks like he eats his girlfriend’s asshole to get the taste of her pussy out of his mouth.”
“Lou’s half-Armenian and half-Jewish so his dead relatives sell pagers in hell.”
That second joke deserved more. Albert’s last was not very good but Lou’s subpar jokes and skittish stage presence handed Albert the easy win.
?/???! Albert only has Lou to blame for the low rating. And maybe the awkward back and forth between judges.
In the third undercard, Wub Savell (3-1) returned to form against Al Bahmani (2-3) and got another win!
“I think H&R block is missing two tax preparers.” – Paul Bel getting one in!
It was a battle of substitute teachers that were fired amid molestation accusations! These two are human representations of the word “boring”. The most memorable thing about this battle was how bad Murray Valeriano’s jokes were. That and Wub explaining that his name was short for “Wubby”. The best I could say about Al Bahmani was that he wasn’t the worst we’ve ever seen. But he was probably the worst of the night in a night that featured Lou Vahram. You can’t say his name without saying “bomb” so I’m not surprised in the slightest by his performance.
AL ON WUB
“Wub got his nickname because his father should have worn a wubber.”
“Wub is a religious studies major. They kicked him out when they found out he killed Jesus.”
Al leads the league in groans. I still can’t believe he ever got a win. Was it against Caesar Lizardo (1-2)? That’s usually the way an awful battler gets their only win. Wub finally made me proud and showed a little of that fire-breathing potential he showed in his debut.
WUB ON AL
“Al goes by the nickname ‘Al B’. Al B is to comedy what ‘Plan B’ is to a baby.”
“Al is both Mexican and Muslim which means the bomb he’s building isn’t just dirty, it’s lazy too.”
Hey. At least this week’s undercards weren’t last weeks.
And in our surprise undercard, Earl Skakel (4-1) beat Keith Carey (8-5) but it doesn’t matter because holy shit did we need them!
Within seconds of these two moments happening, the show felt like the show again. The night was filled with judge-on-judge crime and poor joke quality but as soon as Earl swung that door open, it was on. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay or Josh Martin, you felt something when Connor and Keith kissed.
“Uh, hey Keith, are you wearing gravy-flavored chapstick?” – Connor McSpadden (5-2, 5)
And we’re back! Murray Valeriano, who hadn’t sniffed a punchline all night, even snuck in a zing on Keith. If the first three battles felt like a stepdad that was trying to hard, Earl walking in was like Dad coming back from getting those cigarettes like he promised. No one is safe.
“It looked like a battle between two Reddit users.” – Mike Lawrence
“You look like me if I lost all my money.” – Earl Skakel in retort
On to the jokes. Keep in mind, these two wrote these jokes in like twenty minutes. They had very little time to prepare and memorize and it was still ten times better than anyone else could’ve done you fuckin’ hacks.
KEITH ON EARL
“Earl, you look like Frankenstein if he got really in to CrossFit.”
“Earl, you’re so old. The first cave painting was your name on the Comedy Store wall.”
“Earl usually wears leather pants because he’s used to having a cow wrapped around his legs.”
EARL ON KEITH
“A lot of people make fun of Keith’s facial tick; I’m not gonna do that because it’s not a tick at all. It’s just a calorie counter.”
“We gotta get this show over because Keith is going to die very, very soon. When he does die, it’s going to be an open-casket; because they won’t be able to shut it.”
“Keith, you’re so fat, Jesus can’t lift your spirits.”
This is a visual representation of the Belly Room while Earl and Keith were battling. The dude getting blown away is all of us. The last moments of the battle consisted of well-deserved praise for Keith and the judges giving the victory to Earl. The show can’t lose Earl Skakel. Your move, Comedy Central.
????/???! Keith always manages to break the scale in this battles!
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Listen, I respect Darran, alright? To get up here, it takes a lot of guts. Or gizzards. Or chitlins or whatever weird shit you eat.” – Richie Gaines on Darran Davis
“You look like Thin Diesel.” – Mike Lawrence on Albert Escobedo
"Lou looks like he eats his girlfriend’s asshole to get the taste of her pussy out of his mouth.” – Albert on Lou Vahram
“Al is both Mexican and Muslim which means the bomb he’s building isn’t just dirty, it’s lazy too.” – Wub Savell on Al Bahmani
“Earl usually wears leather pants because he’s used to having a cow wrapped around his legs.” – Keith Carey on Earl Skakel
“Keith, you’re so fat, Jesus can’t lift your spirits.” – Earl Skakel on Keith Carey
I am 103-69 in picks. Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.