The government may be shut down, but the energy at the Comedy Store is as turned on as ever. As the Belly Room gears up for a six battle fight night, our host Brian Moses introduces the judges for the night: Our Season Two Champ Frank Castillo, Candice Thompson, Ian Edwards, Maz Jobrani, and our Roastmaster Jeff Ross. Also in the VIP section is Author Julie Seabaugh, selling signed copies of her book Ringside at Roast Battle: The First Five Years of L.A.’s Fight Club for Comedians. If you haven’t already, you should really pick up a copy of that book!
Our first battle of the night pits two Robot Chicken writers against each other: Deirdre Devlin and Ellory Smith. The two virgin battling babes are brought to the stage.
When asked why Deirdre has decided to battle her opponent, she says, “I’ve never battled before and I feel like Ellory is pretty unlikable….”
Right out of the gate, Deirdre shows the audience that she is already locked and loaded with some deep burns. Let the games begin!
“Ellory and her father have a lot in common. He recently died of stage four cancer, and this is the fourth stage she’s going to die on this week.”
“Deirdre writes for networks like Adult Swim and Nickelodeon. She’s an Emmy award winning writer and her stand-up is still unbearable to watch.”
Ellory doesn’t really use her estrogen for evil here. I mean, there’s plenty to say about Deirdre. She looks like Amy Schumer’s aborted fetus crawled out of a dumpster or quarter-life crisis Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof. These blondes continue with their bad-ass ball busting.
“Yeah, I’ve won an Emmy. If Ellory wrote as much as she threw up, maybe she’d had an Emmy too. Ellory suffers from severe depression and I would too if I had the perfect body for incest porn.”
“When I first met Deirdre, she told she was 27. I’m here to tell you she’s 42… and last year she got so desperate, she made a dog go down on her.”
“Okay, a dog eats me out one time! Ellory would never eat my pussy though, because she can’t throw it up 20 minutes later. Ellory is so skinny, I can still see the coat-hanger sticking out of her stomach from her last abortion.”
“They’re only $400. You can get them any time. Deirdre went to one of the premiere private schools in Boston with a direct line to Ivy League and she still had to go to USC.. but to her credit, she was a collegiate athlete. She makes for a great linebacker.”
“I fucked a lot of linebackers…”
Ellory told a few great jokes that the crowd ate up. However, Deirdre edged her out with both perfectly crafted rebuttals and jokes making for some beastly double punches. As they were first timers, our hopes were high and expectations low which is why it was such a gift. Both performers were incredibly present and relaxed. They made me proud to call myself a female comedian. Deirdre takes the win and we all hope to see them back again soon.
I can’t say the same for our next two battlers. Angel Pitts and Cole Alexander are brought to the stage and the energy on stage is basically immediately uncomfortable. It begins when Moses accidentally calls Angel a boy, then Angel corrects him, and starts playing with her tits.
“Like I said, Cole is my friend. He looks like the trailer park trash version of Leonardo DiCaprio.”
“Thanks, Blind Side.”
This gets a big pop for Cole.
“Angel looks like she has permanent Ogre face but she’s too broke to live in a swamp.”
“Thanks, Limp Dick. Cole is so afraid to come out as pansexual so he calls himself progressive for fucking transgender women.”
“Thank you Whoopi Aspergers. I don’t see Angel as black or lesbian. I see her as someone who will try to steal my wallet.”
“My dick is bigger than yours, buddy.”
“Angel is part Asian, which is crazy because she has a huge cock.”
The awkwardness never ended the entire battle.
“Cole, you couldn’t have picked a more horrendous outfit to beat up a mentally handicapped person in front of us, but you won. I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on over there but fuck it, just have a great life.” – Ian Edwards
That about sums it up! Angel is a good sport and just keeps giving everyone a thumbs up. Cole wins and we move on to our next battle.
Tony Hinchcliffe joins our panel of judges to catch the next battle between Kill Tony favorite Afrodyete and the very confident Ruben Bugayong. They enter the stage and the entire room smells like the Home Depot I’m guessing Ruben lives in. I’m certain this battle is sponsored by McDonald’s as these two characters look like Grimace and the Hamburglar fighting over the last Big Mac.
“Ladies and Gentlemen… this Beanie Baby-looking motherfucker over here. Why don’t we all just welcome this motherfucker to Munchkin Land right now? Fuckin’ Mayor of Munchkin Land. You see he got titties and shit.”
“This is what happens when you forget to change your oil after 7,000 fucking miles.”
“This motherfucker has never been circumcised. They simply cannot find his dick. This motherfucker’s dick is all backed up in his stomach and shit. He’s got the ass of a newborn baby. This motherfucker looks like a human Cornish hen.”
“This is what happens when Albert Einstein climbs out of a chimney.”
Afrodyete rambles inaudibly.
“I switched my screensaver to a picture of her so my battery can last longer throughout the day.”
“Yeah, suck dick, bitch. Suck dick.”
Rufio if he kept his mouth open during the food fight had some good jokes but ultimately, the Valley of The Crack Rock Troll from Frozen wins the battle with her straight up street style. Her technique is unlike anything we typically see. It’s pure prison rules… and by that, I mean she leaves our souls feeling like we just dropped the soap.
The crowd goes wild as Brian Moses brings up two Oklahoma oafs, Andrew Deacon and Ryan Green, to tear each other apart.
When asked why they are battling, Andrew says, “Ryan lives at home with his parents and they asked me to take him somewhere so they could have a date night.”
Ryan says, “I know him better than he knows that girl he stalked in 2013. Yeah, I did some research, buddy,” in an attempt to shake Andrew’s confidence before the battle begins. The crowd is locked in.
“I really respect Deacon. He taught me a lot about how to get successful in comedy. It’s not about the writing jokes. It’s not about stage presence. It’s about being willing to do all the clerical work for a comedy festival for no pay.”
“Ryan Green is such a nerd that he thinks about Quidditch to keep from cumming.”
“Dude, I think about Quidditch to cum. You look like if the Joe Rogan fucked Playstation 4. You look like Red Pill Redemption.”
“You look like the guy that sells drugs behind the school in Boy Meets World. Ryan is so dependent on his elderly parents, he wants them to get a mausoleum so he can still have the upstairs area of the house when they die.”
“You’re just mad because your dad is still dead. Deacon has been a huge inspiration to me. I got sober last year and Deacon doesn’t drink either, he just absorbs the liquor from the passed-out women he fucks… ”
Ryan gets the biggest pop of the entire night by far.
“…I think you misunderstood what pick-up artist means. It doesn’t mean you just pick up a woman off the floor.”
“It’s good to know that. I’m glad we’re talking about our sex lives because Ryan Green’s sex life is just like his comedy. He’s had one tight five and a bunch of loose threes.”
These two flew out from Oklahoma for this, but how many people did they bring with them? Oklahoma may just be so boring that the entire state flew to Los Angeles tonight. It was an incredible battle. You can tell both battlers really cared for each other and not at all about themselves. In the end, Ryan Green takes the W.
Next up, Moses brings up Alex Gettlin and Rebecca Rush. They get right into it.
“Rebecca’s comedy is like the monster from Bird Box. See it once, and you want to kill yourself immediately.”
“Alex loves egg whites. Partly because of protein but mostly to show his support for whites.”
“Rebecca is really into astrology. Her sign is the morning after pill.”
“Alex looks like he can only cum if he’s calling the guy blowing him a fag.”
“Rebecca’s voice is so annoying that if she was stuck in the attic, Anne Frank would have turned herself over voluntarily.”
“Alex vapes vitamins…”
There is a laugh break. Historically in this room: after there is a laugh break, the joke never recovers. So, a few super fans started shouting that she should stop there. However, this one time…her punchline was Jesus and the laughs were resurrected. It just goes to show you that you should always trust yourself.
“…so, between that and cum, he gets all his nutrients from sucking.”
The energy is a bit off for the entire battle. When the energy is off, it can be really hard to turn it back on. Neither the apparent porn star nor the porn producer seemed super present, but Rebecca seems a bit more into it. Possibly because porn is the only industry that pays women more. Since nearly nobody clapped for Alex, Rebecca takes it with flying colors. However, the crowd was the star of this one for continuing to have so much energy.
Our first main event begins as Brian first brings up Isaac Hirsch. They have some fun and borderline uncomfortable banter about Isaac’s jacket, that belonged to a dead football coach. Caesar Lizardo is brought to the stage next. When Moses asks him why he’s battling, he says, “Honestly Moses. I’m just doing this to stay relevant.” This is so honest and hilarious that Caesar gains some audience love right at the beginning.
“Caesar lives in Inglewood. Just like the real Caesar, he’s probably going to get stabbed to death in March.”
“First of all, I’d like to thank Isaac for taking time away from smirking at Native American elders to be here. True story, Isaac was both homecoming and prom king in high school. Yeah, they were reaaaally trying to make sure he didn’t shoot up the place.”
“A lot of people say Caesar looks like Drake. I don’t really see it. I think the only thing they have in common is that I’m not sure if either of you are supposed to say the N word.”
“Isaac just hates rap music because they’re always instructing you to “beat the pussy up. Isaac looks like Jerry Seinfeld if he did a show called Comedians sleeping in their cars that can’t afford coffee.”
“I have a nice car.”
“What kind of car do you have?”
“A 2002 Buick Lesabre. Hey, my grandma died. Leave me alone. A lot of you might be wondering if Caesar is responsible enough to raise a child but all that matters is that that girl is going to grow up in a safe and loving household when the government takes her away.”
“Isaac, you look like your Soundcloud rap name should be Lil’ Bang Theory.”
“Racially, Caesar could be anything. But, career wise, he can be very few things.”
“Thank you, Hershey squirts. Isaac looks like the kind of guy who would ask Louis CK to jerk off in front of him.”
“Ok.. I don’t know why I said that. Caesar hasn’t had a lot of time to do stand up since his daughter was born. That’s impressive. How many parents can say their baby has already made the world a better place?”
“Give it up for Waldo if no one was tryna find him. Isaac is currently seeing a girl. Sorry, Isaac is currently watching a girl. She doesn’t know.”
This was a great battle between two talented joke writers and performers. The judges unanimously give it to Isaac, and Caesar goes back to his sad and irrelevant life.
As our final main event approaches, the crowd’s energy finally starts to die down. They are sleepy and presumably mostly Oklahomans. So, Moses brings the Chantmaster up as a last ditch effort to win them back over. Jeanne Whitney is brought up first, and tells us that Jamar Neighbors suggested that Jeanne and Bryan battle. Since white women usually believe whatever attractive black men tell them, they do! When Bryan Vokey is brought out, he even says “You guys look fucking exhausted,” and really wins in the staying present department. Let’s roast!
“Bryan is from New England, but his teeth are from Old England.”
“You look like a bad drawing of a beautiful woman.”
“Thank you Steve Bu-shitty. All of Bryan’s tattoos are homemade, because he didn’t permanently look like shit enough.”
“Funny you brought up Steve Buscemi, ‘cuz you wear your lipstick like he does in Billy Madison.”
“Bryan is just threatened by my big lips because his dick is so small.”
“Jeanne’s addicted to Adderall, because it takes lotsa energy to fail at acting, singing, comedy, dating…”
“Wow, Pabst Blue Retard. That was below the belt, but I guess you don’t get much of a chance to get that far with a woman.”
“You look like you spend every night calling up an ex and threatening to kill herself.”
“Every other night. Only on holidays. Bryan, you look like you would steal somebody’s weed and then help them look for it.”
“Jeanne’s classmates started a rumor that she fucked a horse, now I don’t think Jeanne fucked a horse but it’s clear her mom did. Side note: if you take her out to eat, feed her with a flat hand. Right, Moses?”
“At least Moses and I are getting along. Your hair and your scalp seem to be having quite the falling out.”
After some very funny wisecracks from the judges, they unanimously give a big win to Bryan.
Well, that’s it. Another tactless Tuesday night of wreaking havoc on comedians’ already tarnished self-confidence. We’ll see you next week for another soul-shattering ceremony, you heartwarming haters.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.