We meet again! Since new episodes of Maury don’t air on Tuesday nights, welcome back to another Roast Battle, you drama-loving queens. Where the jokes are funny, the words are mean, and it may just help you forget about the current state of the country in upheaval. The only whistles being blown tonight are rape whistles! Wait… I’m joking… hopefully. We have a packed night with very talented joke writers and performers tonight. So, let’s get acquainted with these ballsy bare-knuckled brawlers.
Overseeing this carnival of carnage this evening will be Eddie Ifft (Comedy Central, Joe Rogan Experience, FX’s Legit), Bruce Jingles (Showtime, ABC, VH1), and of course The Roastmaster General himself Jeff Ross. This panel of judges is sure to fire some rounds off at our badmouthing battlers you won’t forget.
For our first battle of the night, we have Rebecca Rush and Mia Mars. We are lucky to have these two funny chicks joining this line-up tonight. Rebecca looks like she guzzles white claw out of a black dude’s dick right before she calls the police on him. Mia Mars looks like Tim Burton and a bulldog had an abortion, then that fetus crawled out of a dumpster, and decided to live it’s life as a normal person. That’s the real untold story of Frankenstein’s bride. These two look like they got into it when Mia, a Hot Topic employee, caught Rebecca stealing sunglasses that she planned to sell to pay for her abortion. Was that too many abortion jokes? Moving on!
The next battle is Steph Tolev versus Josh Waldron. Steph has been on Comedy Central, Amazon, Just For Laughs, and was recently awarded “Best Female Stand Up” in Canada. Josh… Josh’s barber has Parkinson’s. Seriously, Josh has been with Roast Battle since the beginning and also hit a home run on America’s Got Talent in 2016. He even started this very blog in which you read now. He’s also so deep in the closet, he buys his MDMA from Mr. Tumnus. These two look like they met when Josh served Steph the “wrong kind” of hot dog at a music festival. Which rising star in the scene will win in the ring?
Next up, we have Jasmin Leigh going joke for joke against Gary Curtis. If you are impressed by someone that never gives up, Jasmin is your girl to vote for. She’s been in the game for a long time, and always comes dressed to impress. She is an entertainer for sure. On the other hand, Gary is a charming and very talented joke writer. Gary looks like he was also up for the role of the wheelchair kid in Degrassi. Will Jasmin be the one to put him there?
Next up, Saul Trujillo and Luke Soin will be getting verbally violent. This battle looks like it began when Saul tried to return a comic book Luke sold him that had cum stains on it. Saul’s set on “Laughs After Dark” is all the proof I need to know he’s a talented joke writer, performer, and above all else: isn’t afraid to be himself. He also looks like the Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters if when they melted him, the streets were filled with horchata. I don’t know Luke yet, but he looks like he hired Saul to run a taco truck he bought but now he’s suing him for eating all of the profits. Luke wears glasses. Saul is fat. You guys get it.
The final undercard of the night pits Ryan Nesen against Caesar Lizardo. Both very involved in the Roast Battle community, Ryan looks like every other SWM (straight, white, male) trying to use his power to take down a minority and his family. I’m not sure if the extremist SJWs (Social justice warriors) are using the acronym SWM yet, but they should be. I can already hear them shaking their fists to the sky while screaming “SWMs!” on their knees in the rain. Okay. I take back what I said about Gary. Caesar looks a lot more like Drake if he got shot in Canada. Look at his little daughter! She’s so cute, and she’s somehow whiter than Ryan. Maybe this battle started when Caesar found out Ryan is actually the father of his child, or Ryan found out Caesar was just a really tan straight white guy this whole time and he wants to show him he can’t escape the guilt or the lack of stage time.
For your main event tonight, Julian Fernandez is taking on Billy Anderson. We love both these guys at Roast Battle. This battle looks like it began when Billy assumed Julian was Hawaiin, and Julian got offended. Even though at the time, he was playing a shirtless ukulele cover of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”. On the other side of that rainbow, perhaps it began when Julian was throwing Billy out of the strip club he bounces at for forcibly throwing pieces of gold at the girls after mishearing one of them saying “I love black guys,” and not “I love black eyes.” This should be a battle you don’t want to miss.
See you tonight, loves.