by Keith Carey

‘Twas the week before Christmas at the Comedy Store,

A night full of Belly Room battles in store,

Two main events aimed to make the room rave,

Under the watchful of eye of Moses and his elf helpers, the

Battle fans waited, too excited to sleep?

Who’d reign victorious? Who’d get in too deep?

They’ll pack in upstairs like a car full of cattle,

So here’s your weekly preview of motherfucking Roast Battle.

Our first undercard definitely won’t drag, as Tony Asar
trades some blows with Anne Flagg!

Tony’s a killer, he’ll keep up the pace. His jokes are as
dark as the skin on his face. Anne’s last performance just wasn’t the best, but
she’s trying to stay positive like her last STD test. This fight could go
either way, but one bet is safest; Earl will probably refer to Tony as

Next up, two newbies are making their bones, as Timothy
McGorry takes on Fin Jones!

Timothy looks like a Comic-Con smells. Let’s hope these
knuckleheads’ chemistry gels. Fin’s Facebook page was nowhere to be found!
Fuck you, dumb-dumb, you need a social media presence in this town!

After that, Frankie Ma and Dakota Freeman are going to do
their best to get the crowd screamin’!

Dakota’s last battle made quite the big ripple, when he got
his ass kicked by a wheelchair-bound cripple. His sideburns say, “I’m in a
band, and that band, it plays ska!” His opponent? The Chinaman called Frankie
Ma! Frankie produces his very own show, which makes up for the fact that he
looks like a ‘mo.

Really and truly it will get unruly as Courtney Banks
battles with Heather Marulli!

Courtney’s a lovable Belly Room fave, but her last battles
not even Jesus could save. She’s a scrappy young comic with something to prove,
and hopefully she can make the Wave move. Heather’s a killer with hunger in her
eyes…and, y’know, everywhere else, have you seen those thighs? She’s coming
from losses to Schmidt and Perez, but her beat-down of Ernie Stone was amazing,
as everyone says. These ladies will brawl in the cold winter weather. Two women
enter. And that’s just counting Heather.

Our first main event will be real fucking neat-o, as Tony
Bartolone stands up to Albert Escobedo!

This is a big one, the room will be shaking, as potential
battle history is in the making! Albert is fearless and he’s never been beat,
his 6-0 record puts him among the elite. Nobody’s ever had a seven-win streak, a
prize that Escobedo doggedly seeks. His opponents have been questionable, he’s
hedged his bets, but now he’ll face off against the toughest one yet. Tony is
homeless, and that’s a fact. He lives in a factory, not unlike a rat. Despite
all his hardships he’s no doubt emerged as a powerful battler whose street cred
has surged. He fights with theatrics, gimmicks, and props. His jokes are
relentless, this fucker’s got chops. His last fought he stood in a giant trash
can, dressed as the ghost of a recently deceased man. Albert is going to need a
large helping of luck, because Tony Bartolone straight doesn’t give a fuck.

Closing the night by melting your faces, Benji Aflalo takes
on Earl Skakel, the house racist!

A fistfight between two of the Store’s finest will close out
the night on a note of most highness. Benji’s wrote roast jokes for Franco and
Bieber, he wrote for “The Burn”, now he’s got Battle fever. Benji Aflalo is a
powerful writer, and it should make him an excellent fighter. He’s up against the
notorious Earl, a legend who’s feared by all boys and girls. He’s done this on
TV and he hates every week. Will he straight-up wreck this geek? Or will Benji
reign supreme, kill the beast, and make us cream? 

All these questions will be answered – well, if not all, at
least most!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all,

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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